Hmmmm, that makes me wonder something. I mention in a comment below that I am recently divorced. And it was not during an LE that the divorce occurred. But I do recall that in one of the 3 LE’s that I suffered with during my marriage, there was a moment in which there was some touching. Never full consummation bc I’m very very conservative, but one making out that was THE single most intense sexual (without sex) experience in my entire life. It completely destroyed sex for me thereafter. For 4 years after that day, sex was either unbearably cringeworthy or at best tolerable, and usually the former. I even decided at one point that I was asexual bc of how awful it made me feel. But hearing you mention your troubles with intimacy makes me wonder if in fact this disorder was (one of) the underlying problem and I just failed to make the connection. Hmmm. Either way though, I have zero regrets about the divorce. But I definitely want to figure this out bc I hope to remarry eventually and I want to be happy. That said, I pray things get better for you. This transference technique is def worth looking into!!! I don’t have a SO to try it with, nor am I limerent right now, thank God. But I’ll def keep it in mind!

Many thx Lee-Anne for your answer and support. Just these few words mean a lot. I think many of us here share similar experiences/feelings.

@B,
” I fear I will end up having lived a life of “quiet desperation” as Thoreau put it. It’s not that I don’t know the consequences (eg. throwing a beautiful life away), I just fear more the thought of reaching the end of my life and discovering that I had not actually lived (another nod to Thoreau).”

Thoreau may not be the best role model when it comes to love or a few other things. There’s a significant amount of criticism of him. Check out https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_David_Thoreau. What’s important to you? If you look back on your life, how will you decide if you lived or not? Are you keeping a bucket list and 70% of the items crossed off is passing? Do you seriously think that when you look back you’ll think, “Well, those last 50 years were a colossal waste of time.”

A friend of mine said I’d had an interesting life. I told him everybody has an interesting life. He said he’d never had a naked blonde dry-firing a .44 magnum out of his dorm room window, he’d never held a woman by the belt as she leaned over rail of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge at 0300, he’d never almost capsized a fishing boat surfacing a submarine in the Straits of Juan de Fuca at midnight (I could see their faces in the periscope.); he’d never been to London, let alone gone to a reception at the Dutch embassy there. LO #4 used one of my blogs as the basis for a chapter of her book. That woman will never never escape me.
Those were all pretty cool experiences but I don’t grade my life against them. I also like to think there are still cool things out there for me.

My life’s pretty good. I know that one woman loves me. Another woman said she loved me and I think she meant it when she said it. There are two other women from the past that probably didn’t love me but I think they liked me a lot. I think there are two other women out there who could possibly love me if I gave them a chance. I have two kids that I think will remember me when I’m gone.

Your life is your life. You get to define it as you want to.

Song of the Day: “Hungry Heart” – Bruce Springsteen (1980)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AbELQ-kCno

This may be my favorite Bruce Springsteen song. The background vocals are amazing. There’s just something about this song that I relate to.

Lee-Ann I had the weirdest dream the other day and yes I do dream of him every night. My dream was that I was playing football with my son and his friend I was wearing my very expensive LB shoes. (Shallow I know but keep reading). So as I kicked the ball my shoe came off and went into is back yard! I was so upset and these shoes were a present from my late father. Anyways, even though I was desperate to get them back I didn’t go. I think this was a materialisic but vital message to not seek him and avoid him whatever the cost. This gave me some more willpower to continue with NC.
This is my thoughts on the whole beating limerence, over the past year I’ve had time when I’ve let my guard down and thought I have beaten limerence only to be fooled. This time I’m not looking at the end goal. I’m taking each day as it come. Noticing my thoughts and trying to combat the false limerence. This mindset is really helping. I let cravings pass no matter how much I want to cave.
I have felt pretty soulless after the limerence fades but this is where purposeful living comes in and also the power of positive thoughts. Some times you have to really seek out the positives. When they do come feel them in their glory and go to bed thinking of that positive moment. Keep doing this again and again.

Dr. L that is exactly why limerence is so difficult for those of us in the midst of midlife. I recognize that I have a great, but safe (read: ordinary) life. As I entered midlife I started to feel an impulsiveness to take risks and even be reckless about a great many things. That is exactly when LO entered my life and my LE began. I became reckless even with my heart. No regard for consequences. I’ve become so sick of living life responsibly. I fear I will end up having lived a life of “quiet desperation” as Thoreau put it. It’s not that I don’t know the consequences (eg. throwing a beautiful life away), I just fear more the thought of reaching the end of my life and discovering that I had not actually lived (another nod to Thoreau). That scares the hell out of me.

PS and Emma, “harnessing all the energy and passion that have been associated with the LO and transferring them to SO instead.” I am also in the process of trying this concept, it’s partially helped me reconnect with SO, we talk more and I try to hug and kiss him more. I know it will take time and patience on both our parts. Unfortunately in the intimacy department I have a closer relationship with my vibrator than my SO (someone here recently quite tongue in cheek mentioned if we got one that it would solve our LE issues, all I can say is I wish!!)
Anyway hoping to change that too.
The NC from LO has helped with my rumination but I still dream about him almost every night. Ironic really that I’ve gone from subconsciously obsessively thinking about him to unconsciously insistently dreaming about him. I’ve managed to control one urge but not the other, sigh……..

Ada, “but I still feel miserable, with no sens of purpose, unable to be again deeply connected to my SO. It feels like role-playing and not the intense life before this affair.”
You are not alone in feeling this, I am in the same boat as you, as are many others here. Welcome to our group, hope you find the support and understanding here that I’ve experienced.

Cool!