My LO said, “I’m sorry you feel
like that.” He loved me once very much and declared his love for me; but now, fifty years have passed by… he also said he had good memories of me, and that if I were patient and have waited a little longer, “our lives would have been different now for the two of us, and added , “it was not meant to be, was it fate, or maybe God. I kept silent (I’m an introspect person) and still pondering after five months. I know it’s a lost cause as we’re both old and married with grandchildren. We were in an exclusive relationship for three years when young, but I broke away because of fear of abandonment ; we worked at the same place and when he moved to another job I felt very sad. I also changed jobs, but things were not the same anymore. I felt the distancing and went NC, not giving him an opportunity to talk though he searched for me and declared in our last phone call: “ this is : name and last name, and I had never before loved another woman more than I have loved you.” And I answered: Now is too late. He said: I just wanted you to know that. And I replied, I have to hang up because I’m getting late for work. And I hanged up. I just wanted to tell him that I loved him with all my heart, but my ego took over me and said those fateful words: “NOW ITS TOO LATE” , which will haunt my mind and soul forever. That was our last conversation fifty years ago….the “ what if”, what if I have given him the answer my heart wanted to say but didn’t? I had a resentment because the relationship was not going anywhere and I was bored and felt he was wasting my time. I moved on, didn’t grief properly, but a deep sorrow was in my heart, at the same time I felt free. I married four years later and never thought of him again. UNTIL I had a dream with him coming to my rescue. That’s fifty years later! When I woke up my mind had been hijacked by this monster that won’t let me free, I can’t shake him off my mind. The first three days was pure euphoria, but I wasn’t sleeping or eating, got very scare of these intrusive thoughts. Was I glad that thoughts are not physically seen! It’s been hell trying to control my thoughts but to no avail. This has never happened to me before. I knew something was very wrong and that I needed help. I cannot tell my husband, he would not understand. By the fourth day I was afraid I will get a nervous breakdown, I started taking anti anxiety pills and sleeping pills. Could sleep a little bit but I woke up often at night with thoughts of him. Day and night those thoughts won’t leave me in peace. The movie repeating itself non stop every day and night. I would go to my room and let the thoughts run their course, go for long walks but the ghost is always with me… I have cried intensely, I get some relief at least. At the beginning I thought it may be hormones, or medicine effects, but I have not had any new medications, neither have changed my diet. So I hit the web searching different topics but none came close to what I was experiencing. Internet kept sending new sites which I tried, but no help so I decided to read people s comments, and bingo! Someone had a comment on how difficult it was to forget etc. and someone answered , “ that sounds like Limerence.” I got curious and searched the word Limerence, there it was! LwL!!! Oh this site has been a blessing for me, I binged on it and recognized immediately that which was haunting me! Finally, some understanding of those intrusive thoughts, that feeling of helplessness because your mind is taken hostage by this monster of Limerence. If I believed in magic it would be a” mind spell “ , or religion would say you’re demon possessed. Thanks Dr L for all you do for us, you can’t imagine how helpful you have been. You’re a kind person who cares for people. Not many people like you and your blog. Keep the good work. ( After ten month of this hell, things are getting a little better, thanks to the this blog and the commenters.) Thank you, thank you.

I had to let out a wry smile when I saw this. This was my situation exactly, and I have a hard time seeing how this is a “best-case scenario,” especially if your LO is much better at going NC than you. Right now, it just feels like heartbreak. I’m constantly ruminating on how amazing it would have been had circumstances been different.

Geez.

Exactly Beth. Peopler who know “it’s never going to happen” with a person and yet knowingly feed the attraction are horribly cruel.
When I get the feeling a guy is into me, and I know I am not interested, I tone things waaaaaay down. I am naturally friendly and affectionate and complimentary (sincerely) but I hold back so as not to encourage false hope.
I think this is what all decent people do.

They’re not doomed! They know what they’re doing.
That woman was humble-bragging. “Everyone fell in live with me. I couldn’t stop it!”
We all know when someone cares about us. We can encourage that feeling or we can shut it down.
There are men and women that dig that attention.
They enjoy having someone fawn all over them and have no intention of reciprocating. Or they enjoy having that person as a back-up.
It’s cruel. It’s wrong.

“I would argue that uncertainty is at the very heart of limerence. Much of the forward motion we feel when limerent is really a drive to answer this question, not even necessarily because we want the other person or think it’s a good idea.”

I sometimes feel it’s like living in a detective novel. I.e. if only my poor brain could figure out what makes a particular LO tick, then I’d be free of the obsession, case closed, etc. Now I realise it’s limerence itself that makes another person seem mysterious and elusive and they’ve probably been transparent with me all along!

A big problem with chasing limerent fantasies, then, is that we MUST find out where the fantasy leads, and follow it to its bitter end, whether that bitter end is desirable to us or not. This is a recipe for regret.

On a side note, I have definitely sacrificed my dignity for closure.

I like it!

Clip of the Day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=seETa9OFBvY

“Almost Live” was a great show! I’ve only said, “I love you” to 3 women. The two others said it back. No woman ever said it to me first. I think the shortest time was 3 months.

Well I think the expected response there would have been something like “of course it does, but it’s complicated” or “but you know I’m with X and can’t leave him”. LO2 probably felt you needed more explanation, more appreciation.

But all these things are contextual. It makes more sense if you know the characters. Reading that exchange made me think of Han Solo in Empire Strikes Back when Leia tells him she loves him and he says “I know”. Everyone would have expected “I love you too” but if you know the character, you know what he’s saying and it makes sense.