Interesting as always Sammy.
My SO is a people pleaser. Which was nice for the first few years (apart from the natural defensiveness and the constant fretting about what other people think). But now that I am such a sure thing, he gets more from pleasing someone else who does not already appreciate him, such as new acquaintance or colleague… ah well, such is married life 🙂
I don’t see people pleasers as the opposite of narcissists… there are some similarities no? Both are vying for the positive feedback of others to feel validated in some way. Sometimes even using the same methods.
At the end of the day, I think we all have a some degree of narcissist and people-pleaser buried inside us as they are fundamental aspects of hard-wired human nature – people pleasing is essential for bonding and social cohesion, a small degree of narcissism helps maintain our self worth. It is how we choose to act on those impulses that define us, not the fact that we have them.
Your father sounds like sweetheart. And your mother? So sorry you had that experience.

@Jaideux. You’ll get there, my dear little people-pleaser. Yes, you will. Eventually, you’ll feel comfortable expressing your real personality/preferences, etc. And you might be surprised how much people enjoy being around the “real you” too! Don’t be afraid to shine in your own way. 😛

I’ve been thinking about my gay LO and he’s actually the same as my straight LO – same eyes, same hands. And both could be described as big, friendly, puppy dogs. You know, there’s that anxiety to be liked by everyone they meet, that restless eagerness to please. I’m drawn to these men and, weirdly enough, they’re drawn to me too. There’s chemistry, even if it’s a perverse kind of chemistry. So what the heck is going on? Why am I not attracted to narcissists? (The opposite of people pleasers?) Am I a narcissist myself? Should I even be contemplating such a possibility?

Basically, the thing about people-pleasers is they want to be liked by everyone. They bend over backwards to be kind and accommodating, etc. They have poor boundaries in the sense they do too much for other people/want to make other people happy. They can have a weak sense of self. And often they’re very friendly and selfless, especially in social situations. Throw good looks into the mix and, bam, I’m hooked.

The problem is my limerent brain assumes the kind-hearted behaviour of people-pleasing LOs is directed at me personally (i.e. he likes me and that’s why he’s being so nice). I mysteriously manage to overlook the fact that people-pleasing LO is kind to EVERYBODY because he has some pre-existing psychological need for approval.

My dad is a people-pleaser. He “needs to be needed”. It probably explains why his marriage to my narcissistic/borderline mum was a match made in heaven – at least initially. Both parties were getting their emotional fix.

People-pleasers love me because people-pleasers crave appreciation (and have often been underappreciated in their lives). I’m good with appreciation, not because I’m manipulative, but because I was conditioned from a young age to be an “admiring audience” to my demanding mother. My mother wasn’t interested in me as a kid unless I was bolstering her ego/listening to her grandiose stories. In other words, for me, being generous with praise turned out to be a sound survival strategy which I continued to practise into adult life. (Sheer force of habit).

I think I am both a people-pleaser and a narcissist at the same time! Ouch!!

My relationships with my same-sex LOs are strained for the same reason my relationship with my dad is often strained. These men don’t like to set boundaries, so I have to set boundaries for all of us. It’s exhausting. It makes me “the bad guy”. And when I fall in love with a guy – that makes setting boundaries so much harder. Because, of course, I want to be as close to him as possible.

Ethical dilemma: intimate conduct with a people-pleasing LO. If I approached my gay LO for sex or dating, I’m afraid he would only say yes because he wants to please me, and NOT because he’s limerent for me or strongly attracted to me. I want to be desired; I don’t want to be merely humoured or accommodated. People-pleasers can have very fuzzy motives for their social interactions – fuzzy motives that even they might not be aware of. Ironically, even the “straight ones” can’t give me a “straight answer”.

Logical outcome: I might get what I want, but it wouldn’t feel authentic at the end of the day, because people-pleasing LO lacks the ability to be honest with himself. Also, if I were pushy in the situation, I’d be guilty of exploitation. I don’t want a partner saying yes just because they want me to like them. I want equality. I don’t want to be subtly coerced into playing the “alpha role” that my mother played in her marriage, even if I do share many of her less appealing traits. I don’t want to be bossy, entitled, domineering. That’s not what love is about.

Final verdict: people-pleasing LOs may be the ultimate “good LOs”. However, they still send me round the bend with their indecisiveness. On the other hand, when I look at the situation objectively, I have no choice but to exonerate straight LO for his shifty behaviour. Even though he hurt me and he broke my heart, he did nothing wrong. He was a people-pleaser. He just wanted approval from as many sources as possible. From men. From women. Did the sex/gender/sexual orientation of the people he helped ever cross his mind? Probably not. I understand where he was coming from psychologically now.

I also have better insight into my father – I let him do stuff for me occasionally, run errands, etc. Helping people makes him so happy it’s disgusting. 🙂

LO was very clear from the onset he didn’t want a relationship, but he sent mixed messages, and hell after all I am a limerent. 😕

I had to come back to this article because now that I’m getting better at NC and the LE fog is lifting I’m sensing how much further damage I may have done to an already hurting LO by my quite seductive response. He would constantly say he needed me and my help by having a PA, and I had great great trouble resisting even when it didn’t feel like me or something I would do. I stopped just short of a full-blown PA and haven’t seen him since.

“He may be hurting but it’s not my place to rescue him.” -Dr. L That is an almost impossible truth to teach my limerent brain. I have a rescuer complex. Both of my marriages have been to damaged SOs post-crisis. And LO was giving me a high seeing him smile with me or saying how much he wanted to be with me because he was hurting. I wanted to be the one to rescue him. What’s crazy is that the need they have as a result of their damage is impossible for me to heal!! And I’ve learned that lesson so hard with both of my SOs as I found later I couldn’t handle the effects of their damage and it drained me emotionally, mentally, financially and spiritually.

However if I focus on the possibility that NC is benefitting LO more than having me or me wanting to help him with contact and seductions, it helps me stay sober, if you will. I do care about him, want him to be happy and definitely don’t want to be the source of something so bad for him. I feel terrible that he will probably forever associate me with something negative in his past or that I’ve been a roadblock to healing his damaged past. I feel incredibly selfish.

I did apologize to LO that my behavior was not the kind of support he really is in need of now and took responsibility for my complicity. He responded yesterday morning with a kind text that I acknowledged, but I have remained NC since then for over 24 hours. I’m very proud of myself and trying to keep the momentum for other very important priorities in my life.

If you say don’t think about a pink elephant you’re going to think about one. So I’m accepting that, like grief, he will always be a part of me although the thoughts and feelings may hopefully grow less pervasive.

As a final note—LO initiated NC 10 days ago after a sincere apology for pursuing me in the first place knowing that I not only had a SO but also that he knew love-bombing for a PA only when he didn’t want a relationship broke my heart.

I never knew it was called this, but yes! Every one of my LOs had some broken need and I felt high off of feeling like I was the one meeting it. These needs turned out to be impossible to meet of course leaving me completely drained, empty and lonely.

I should stopp calling my previous LO for LO.

Because I don’t see him as a limerens object, not anymore. I just see him as a friend. And as such, it really hurts the way he cut me out.

Who the fudge cuts their friend just like that without telling anything? One day making future plans of a meet up and then ignores you without any good byes?! Who does that?! Acting all polite while planning on running you over with a car and leaving you all hurt like a roadkill?! Wtf?!

I mean sure someone having an LE would do that… but he just saw me as a friend, he made that very clear after he stopped flirting which was like for only a couple of months.

So it leaves me with feeling super rejected as a friend…
I should stopp feeling upset but F that, I really have a hard time accepting being treaed like this…

Anyways… I think I have to stop coming tho these forums, because it really makes me think a lot more about my friend and it gets me all riled up all over, sorry for me ranting 🙁

It really pains me reading about how horrible your LO has been, such a jerk! How narcisstic isn’t that!? Leading you on and playing with your feelings while looking for a marriage partner in someone else?! WTF is wrong with these people?! It really upsets me! How spoiled and disgusting aren’t some people?! F LO,s and F LE,d and F Alll the type of people who toys with others feelings just so they can feel power and control! F em!

“” but I didn’t get what I truly needed, which is the admission from her that there was something more between us – that she did have feelings for me. In my heart I believe she did, the circumstantial evidence built up over 2 years certainly points that way, but without hearing it from her, I won’t truly have satisfaction. “”

Yes, yes, and hell yes! My exact situation, even down to the number of years.

I’ve attempted no contact several times, the longest lasted 3 weeks just recently , and it was torture. He reestablished contact recently but seems more reserved and cool.

Sometimes I think if only he could admit this “thing” between us is mutual then I can move on, but for now I dangle on the hook of “does he or doesn’t he” and it drives me nuts.
Thus we both continue pretending that we are “just friends”.
By the way, I am an empath/codependent/people pleaser.

Hi there BV,
Honestly the advice I have found from this site has been golden. I am not looking elsewhere. It’s helped me make some decisions that have contributed mightily to starting on my path of healing.
I almost hate to tell you this, but I cut my LO off cold. I refused to answer calls and texts and even mutual friends said that LO was reaching out to them regarding me, was worried about me, etc., and when I ran into family members of his (I was warm and friendly to them, they are lovely people) they took pictures with me to send to him (they don’t know about my limerence).
I am sure he was hurt and sad at my disappearing act, but after years of being there for him, and also limerent for him, while he simultaneously searched the world for the perfect mate (and he recently found one and married her!) , I decided it was time to take care of myself and this was the way I needed to do it.
I am not going to apologize for this. Cutting him off was long overdue. So, if I was you, I would not try to figure out why he has cut you off. Maybe he thinks its best for both of you. Let him go! He may care more for you than realize, but it doesn’t matter if he does or doesn’t. You are fortunate that you are now free, I was involved in my LE for many more years than you, and I truly wish my LO had cut me off early on. My healing would be much easier now if I he had! I have years and years of sweet memories to try not to dwell on. Truthfully I wish I had found the strength to cut him off years ago. I will own this lack of courage on my part, and now pay the price for it.
BV please realize how great your situation is…. you are free!
Now your life and your heart is yours again, and it’s time to heal and to grow and to love people who genuinely love you back. Be GRATEFUL to your LO that he cut you off. He gave you a gift.