Thanks for sharing zero chance. My LE is nowhere near as long or intense as yours, thankfully. But I can relate. Keep reminding yourself that there is zero chance that this will ever lead to happy for anyone. It’s in your mind. Work hard to get rid of it. Going NC might be the only way though so have a think about taking this big step. Be kind to yourself

Hi Zerochance,

You’ll make it to freedom because you’re convinced this leads nowhere. I cheer for you. Go get them girl!

Zerochance,

you put your agony in beautiful words.
I feel with you because my LO is kind of my best friend and together with his and my SO we are friends for ten years.
Only me and LO are close friends, but still.
I can imagine so well how it is for you, even worse than for me, I fear, because he has issues with his SO and gives you the feeling that he envies your SO- heady stuff.

I read that it feels as if your LO is your soulmate and big love, but don’t underestimate the power of your perimenopausal body- I‘m in the same state, so I‘m allowed to say that;)
The hormones are so powerful. They regulate your mood, desires, how you look at the world and people. The body wants to have a last hurray, and sometimes I think it is a waste to ignore it- the last good years?? And I get into a frenzy because sex with SO isn’t without issues at the moment.

But I can tell you something: this desire that lets LOs body shine and lets you imagine unbelievable fulfillment with him, it‘s solely in your brain and body. It is very probable that if you got into actual physical situations with LO, reality would come rushing in and it couldn’t hold up to your imaginations.
This is solely your body calling out, not his body calling for yours, so to speak.

Do you think talking to your SO would wreak damage? Or could it burst the bubble you built around LO?

You wrote this so beautifully, I felt I was with you step by step of the way. What an impossible situation.

I think that deeply biological moment – when our bodies want someone … it is not to be underestimated in the part it plays in limerence. It was one of the first indications for me – that shock of recognition, without volition. And one of the last that still comes, unbidden, and the part that I cannot govern. Our LOs just “feel” like they belong with us.

Compassion to you.

Resonated with so much of what has been said. It’s helped me so much I’ll share my LE story too, perhaps it will help someone else.

I discovered the word limerance and this site after search for “crush you can’t get rid of that lasts for years”. I’m in a very longstanding pickle folks. A 10 years-long pickle.

My LE situation involves a group of very old friends, my LO is my SOs best friend. *face palm* But wait, it gets weirder. LO’s SO is the ex of my SO. They were married for over a decade and she, her SO (my LO) and my SO are/were best friends. I suppose it’s like having a LO with an in-law.

I became the fourth in their best friend club when I started dating my SO and we were constant companions from the start. We now live in different towns but take family vacations together, our kids have grown up together.

I fell platonically in love from day 1. We became fast friends, and naturally gravitated towards each other due to mutual interests, humor, etc. It was innocent. When we met my future-LO and his SO were new parents. I was in a wonderful new relationship myself. It did not cross my mind.

Meeting future-LO I thought, “ooh, charismatic and handsome…and knows it” but it didn’t register as anything but information. There are a lot of fine looking humans, and my SO is one as well.

In retrospect, I know exactly the moment the innocence ended (for my part). I looked over on a climbing trip and saw his body…and had an immediate involuntary reaction. But that’s just biology. No harm, no foul. I flushed, shocked with myself. I’ve actually thought myself borderline asexual in the past…I just don’t notice how “hot” people are. I’m not a flirt. It makes me uncomfortable actually. Monkey stuff. I’d rather think and make art. I looked away and told myself “nope. too close to home, don’t even go there.” And I didn’t. I denied any feelings.

A few years in LO is my best friend, and struggling with their relationship. I was supportive and tried to be friends on both sides and myself and my SO tried to help them navigate. They had mutual resentment and communication issues as well as different priorities. Frankly his SO would have frequent outbursts and we all got annoyed with his SO. She was often the friction in our adventures. My SO and I openly discussed that my our buddy was struggling in part because they saw our relationship, how my SO and I were best friends and both had the same appetite for adventure and similar flow and our buddy wanted what we had. He was not best friends with his partner. I did not take it personally. It was about our buddy’s unmet needs and desires in general, not about me in particular.

All it took was one slip. At an event he said, “you’re pretty”. He seemed surprised he said it, embarrassed and looked away. My face flushed and my brain scrambled and I just walked away as fast as I could. My desire was overwhelming and unwelcome. My relationship was great. I wasn’t looking for anything, including validation. I loved, respected and admired this person but didn’t think more about it. My dumb brain flashed the old images of his body in movement like they’d been waiting in the shadows all along. I yelled silently to myself, “NO” I didn’t want drama, complication or weirdness in our close group. I’ve always been very clean and clear and maintained sibling energy in my friendships. It’s just…deep down, liked them too. Ugh. But knowing it was not a valid option I ignored it. I distanced. I purposefully dressed “down” around them, knowing he had a wandering feeling (in general) and she was (understandably) paranoid.

Pushed these feelings away and was mostly successful for years. There was a song that reminded me of LO…it was on the radio and one time my SO said “does this song remind you of me? is that why you like it?” Gut punch. I felt so ashamed and I hadn’t done anything. In fact I’d worked to not make it a thing and now I could either lie to my SO or admit (to myself) that I did in fact have a crush on our best friend.

Our funny dance has carried on like this for years. A stolen glance here and there. LO has been openly dissatisfied in his relationship for years. I’ve never faltered or hinted that I’d leave my SO. No overt flirting. Keeping things in the friend zone. Mostly taming my own very private very secret.

But then the pandemic happened. Two plus years locked together with my SO. I can predict everything my SO will say before it’s said. Every move. My SO is happy domesticating. I feel caged.

Then we hit 10 years. What should have been a celebration was a scary shock to me. The idea that this was the last sexual partner and experience I’d have made me feel really old and deeply sad.

Sprinkle on a bunch of life stress, work grind and perimenopause. A long slow slide into unhappiness. The hormones are a roller coaster of sad, numb, randy, angry. Feelings with no explanation. Literally witnessing my viability wilt. Feeling a mad rush of randyness. Like houseplants which will flower gloriously when stressed…a last burst before procreative obsolescence.

My SO is my best friend. We’ve built a lot together, supported each other and navigated life well together. Are the thrills over? Yes folks. A cliche midlife crisis.

I’d been feeling suffocated and unhappy and seeing no good way out I thought, fuck it, why not give myself permission to have a fantasy? I made a playlist. I let my crush come out from its brain-jail and live in my active thoughts. I’d dream myself to sleep with forbidden thoughts. I didn’t care if LO thought about me or if I was just an adjacent outlet for his constant restlessness. This was for me.

I was in a pent up and volatile state when we went on a trip with a large group of friends…my LO starts flirting. Normally I’d deflect, deflate or make a humorous retort. But this time I didn’t. I flirted back…with a known malcontent super sexy too-adjacent family friend. We were inebriated and had a very strange exchange of jokes and flatteries, always coded and maintaining plausible deniability. My heart was racing. I could see his frustration and analytical brain trying to solve a puzzle. Talk of retirement accounts, life planning. Hypothetical thought exercise, of course. It was zero to crazy-talk immediately. The next morning I sent LO a disappearing message to please delete the convo and door that should never have been opened from our minds. He agreed to my request. It’s now the conversation that never happened.

That was last summer. Since then I’ve been straight up obsessing. Reading psychology books, relationship books to undo pandora’s box. Trying to not feel this way. Running every simulation and possible outcome…analyzing how bad it would be. How destructive to our families, how unfair to our SOs, our kids. Trying to channel my constant thoughts of LO into journal entries. Crying to my therapist. Admitted to my best girl friends (who already knew coz they know me…I guess it’s bad). Contemplating leaving my SO, not for LO but because of the shame and guilt I have for having an LO at all.

I have hundreds of photos and videos from all our adventures together. What started as face recognition confirmation has turned into regular deep diving into my accidental LO shrine. I’ve pondered explaining feelings to LO. Written a thousand love notes and ‘there can be no love here’ notes, never sent. Thankfully (?) we’re never alone. We’re always in a group. Forbidden impossible always near, always far. The cognitive dissonance is heady.

Since that day our words have been limited. Strained. There’s mutual feeling, I’m sure. To be sure, I’m also obsessed and overthinking everything. I doubt he’d spend the time I have thinking about anything “romantic” as he’s barely human – super smart and guards his energy to focus on projects…one of the many things I love about him. Yikes. If he knew of half the time I’ve been thinking about him, how my mind wanders to him in the middle of conversations with other people, how I can barely shut my eyes without him appearing…he would probably just feel sorry for me.

It feels very much out of my control. I hadn’t thought I had addictive tendencies but apparently I do. You know you have a problem when it’s affecting your work and your relationships right? I’m there. I’ve been there for many months.

I need to focus on my actual real life. My career, my child, my SO, my friends, my family. I need to find my center of gravity, my integrity. Everything I do now feels like a thin cover of thoughts of LO. It’s always there, gnawing at me. I’ve been through all the states…thinking it’s the love of my life, some ultra special once in a lifetime match that I shouldn’t let slip away, to anger and embarrassment, realizing his flaws and mine…as I know both well. Justifying a secret Rumpringa fantasy that would surely exhaust this tension and possibly save both our relationships. Making lists of LOs flaws. Coming up with elaborate business ideas and schemes to justify reconfiguring our relationships. In the end, realizing this is my own personal crisis and need for purpose projected on someone else, as are most romantic overtures. Realizing healthy relationships don’t start this way. Realizing blowing up my life for this would be a huge regret after a short period of ecstasy. Realizing my problems, the progression of life, mundane reality won’t go away in any scenario. But my rational brain isn’t in charge it seems. Everything I do to move forward, new creative projects, exercise etc…it doesn’t seem to matter what I do…those little thoughts creep in. Would LO like it? What would my LO think?

Well today I admit I have a real compulsive obsession. Today I’m taking my power back. I just deleted playlists that took me untold hours to compile. Deleting my LO journal entries next.

I’ve had an EA. Honestly both dread and yearn for a PA. I can’t go NC.

I’m going back to mantra meditation.

Time to fall back in love with the universe. I need a super power.

And when I’m weak at least I know I can return here.

Good luck everyone. Here’s to getting our lives back.

Hi Lovisa,

It’s been a few months, perhaps the LE is over but I just wanted to share my own experience that falling for a therapist is something I’ve seen many times. I’ve been a part of psychedelic therapies and also have facilitated and have been on both sides. The potential for healing and self-discovery with psychedelics used intentionally and with proper set and setting are enormous. Many people (regardless of sexual energy or not) put healers on a pedestal because you’ve helped them profoundly. You discover parts of yourself together for the first time. It’s incredibly intimate.

I’ve seen a lot of people (men and women) on both sides (‘healed’ and ‘healer’) get lost in the strong connection and emotions. No judgement or advice, just letting you know it’s very understandable and quite common.

Oh boy, Mia, that is hard. I don’t know where to start.

Here is an article that might help.

https://livingwithlimerence.com/case-study-limerence-for-a-therapist/

First, it is inappropriate for your psychotherapist to flirt with you. That should never happen. Can you give us an example of what you mean by flirting?

I understand that desire to sleep with him. He connects with you emotionally, he makes you feel safe, he makes you feel special, of course you want to connect with him physically, but it would only cause problems. It is possible that he is manipulating you on purpose. It is also possible that he is just doing his job and you are reading romantic interest into the situation when it isn’t there. I don’t know. But the flirting really bothers me. I’ve had a lot of therapy with many different therapists and I’ve never encountered anything that could be considered flirting. Please share more about that.

Also, you have had enough trauma. Don’t make this another traumatic event. I don’t think your marriage or your self-worth would recover from adultery easily. Please don’t take that path. Let’s talk about it instead.

Be strong, Mia. You will get through this. It is going to be hard, but you can do the right thing.