To me, living a purposeful life includes acknowledging and voicing my needs (whenever appropriate; there are certainly boundaries). I believe that becoming more in touch with my needs and being candid about them – including choosing potential partners who also seek no-frills honesty – has made me much less susceptible to limerence in the first place. This was an eye-opening experience to me; as much as I enjoyed the thrills of limerence, I enjoy the absence of anxiety by not having to second-guess every small remark, smile, or gesture much more.

[1] https://livingwithlimerence.com/2019/03/17/the-definition-of-limerence/

You just never know what goes through the other persons head. If both of you are single and this could work out? Why not find out? At least you know.
In another situation, a work colleague of mine (we were both two young student resources at the company, both single) and I started hanging out. I enjoyed his company but I had no further feelings for him. One day, he disclosed his feelings for me by just taking the courage to kiss me. It was in a sweet kind of way, he even announced it too. Thinking about how much he must have thought that through and how much he must have pulled all his courage together…
Unfortunately, I didn’t feel the same way about him and had to tell him that. But at least he knew and could stop the does she like me, does she not…

“We didn’t want to shatter our illusions.“

There’s wisdom in this you’ve just said. Even though it’s an illusion, we still want to keep it up. If I don’t ask her out I won’t know how she feels, and this keeps the illusion. On the other hand, if do ask her out, no matter what she answers, the illusion will end either because she drops the propose or because she accepts it. This illusion is a terrible place to be in, and it’s like a black or white outcome. There’s no gray in between. Lose all or win it all? Try and find out.

Perhaps an extreme example of miscommunication of feelings is that I think, if LO asked me out, I’d laugh and say no. I can’t know unless it happens, but I feel like that would probably be the case.

Some people just can’t choose the way they process embarrassment; it depends on your personality.

Different personality types certainly have an easier or harder time of it. But, the vast majority of people cope with embarrassment by accepting it and pushing on through the discomfort. It is a skill you can learn through practice, and curiously enough, that robs the embarrassment of a lot of its power.

I’m not downplaying the pain. I’m just saying that the only way to beat the pain is to confront it. If you spend your life avoiding embarrassment it will gain more and more power over you.

There is even a school of thought that you should regularly invite embarrassment so you can discipline yourself against it. Like: lie down in the middle of a public space, and whenever strangers ask if you’re OK, say “fine, just resting”. Or deliberately strike up conversations with strangers in which you share something intensely personal. Or ask for a discount in a shop. Or sing on the bus.

Those ideas have always seemed a bit inconsiderate of strangers to me, but the premise is sound. Embarrassment is a major barrier to life success, and can be beaten with training.

What I will likely never understand is if this lost chance was because of me, or because of limerence or, still, because LO was never really interested.

That may be true even if you do ask her out. Some people are unable or unwilling to communicate their feelings clearly, and you may get a confusing reply (like “I do like you, but things are complicated for me at the moment.”). Especially if the dynamic so far has been that she shows interest when you pull away, but then cools off when you are more direct. As Sharnhorst mentioned, this could indicate a degree of narcissism. But it could also just be that she is a single woman dating and is taking care about her own emotions and how much of herself she should reveal.

This is why I talk so much about focussing on what you can control and what you want your life to be like. A way of confronting ambiguity like that is to think: “I want to see whether a romantic relationship with LO would work, and I want my feelings and her feelings to be clear. So, anything less than enthusiastic interest from her is not good enough, and I will move on.”

I’m sure this is why limerent to non-limerent relationships are hard going on both partners. They drive each other mad with frustration at the other’s apparently irrational behaviour.

But, yeah, gotta agree. Purposeful action solves most problems.

To give you more hope for the future I will tell you about my “happy ending”. I was married before but miserably unhappy. Bi-polar ex-husband and completely selfish. I became limerent for my SO, left my ex, and was living alone, waiting for the timing to be right with LO, and trying to be happy alone. I was not about to enter another relationship in a hurry. The timing did work out. We started out as friends doing things together, which led to dating. We have been together for 18 years. It hasn’t been perfect but it is a much deeper love than that giddy euphoria mixed with petrified anxiety that it started out as.
Sometimes you have to go about things “outside the box” to be comfortable making a move. Since I was so nervous with him in person I sent him something through the mail even though we lived about 5 minutes apart. It was something personal from something we did together as friends. He told me later that it was special to him and it helped him to know that I was the one for him.
Maybe this LE experience is about to expire and the next one will come about with more clarity and ease and the future will be bright for you!
Two points I need to make:
1. Our limerence for each other made us tip toe around each other for years, which caused a lot of problems. We didn’t want to shatter our illusions. We had to work through that.
2. The only reason I have an LO now is because I was/ am going through a mid-life crisis and I created this to escape my job related issues, other life disappointments, and fears about the future. Limerence is a terrible “coping” mechanism. I am working on these issues now.

Well, it would be nice if one of you would simply ask the other out on a date already. A concert, fishing, hiking, dancing, go to a county or state fair – anything to take action and end the angst.

Best wishes.

What a great song! It really makes think more about life. Thanks for sharing 🙂