It’s not fair, Ruby. You’re right.

It is especially potent for limerents to get to the point of physical intimacy (proving that LO is attracted to you), but then have the budding connection just sort of peter out. That is one of the worst combinations of hope and uncertainty for strengthening limerence. LO wants something casual, but you want more. It does sound as though this is a big trigger for you.

The only way that I’ve figured out to deal with this sort of unfairness, is to accept that it is outside of your control. It’s trite to point it out, but life often is unfair, and so the only practical option is to focus on what you can control and work on improving your life by making it more purposeful. We are all freighted with our own afflictions, and limerence can be a big one, but I’m also a bit more optimistic about integrating it into life in a healthy way rather than seeing it as a disease to be purged.

Getting to know yourself, being honest about what you want, and being strategic about what to spend your time and effort on are the key points. There’s a post here that adds more.

Good luck navigating your way through this.

Hi Simon,

Is this a recurrent problem for you – of a very powerful and disruptive limerence reaction when you are romantically interested in someone – or is it specific to this latest LO? I am aware of the general negative tone of the site for single folks, despite limerence being a positive experience under the right circumstances, but it does sound as though you are getting more pain than pleasure as things stand.

As with Scharnhorst, my attitude to SSRI treatment is cautious. I hear from limerents who say they help with stabilising the emotional extremes, but generally people are taking them for depression or anxiety and the effect on limerence is kind of a bystander phenomenon. And I’m sure you know the broader risks as well as anyone.

There are CBT methods to help to break the habits that reinforce limerence, but your situation does sound like LO has triggered something really deep in you. If she is kind of interested, but not all that keen, then it’s understandable that your uncertainty would ratchet up, but if you are free to pursue her, then in principle you could follow up to find out how she really feels. But not if the overarousal of limerence crashes your emotional stability. Have you been able to figure out what she might be triggering in you?

Given what you’ve achieved professionally, it seems a shame to solve this problem by moving job and city. Maybe reframing this as an opportunity to get to grips with your psychological blocks around romantic attraction could help to give a sense of purpose to confronting the source of your vulnerability?

Wishing you all the best.

My situation is different in terms of barriers, yes, but I can truly relate to what you have described. I too suffered from many of the feelings you have written about, particularly the feeling of addiction and anxiety, the emotions were so strong at times I felt I was losing my mind.
I just realised I used the past tense on suffered. I still do have great sadness and rumination, but with bouts of no contact over a number of years, eventually my internal reactions have lost their magnitude. Unfortunately it transformed into an ongoing dull ache of ‘missing’ and thoughts of ‘what could have been’. Which makes me worry that if I started being in contact the addiction would return immediately.
I wish you courage and strength in finding a way out of the feelings. I know only too well how it can feel like being trapped. I still feel trapped that I can’t completely let it go, so I have a different phase to work on.

Thank you Scharnhorst.

I think the combination of type 1 diabetes and mental health difficulties can be a really toxic mix. I hope your son manages to find some stability. I like to think I am a psychologically minded psychiatrist. I chose it because I have more time with people and I found it more interesting than other specialties. However it is more emotionally draining. And it has plenty of challenges.

I think that it is a really a good point about limerence sometimes being positive. And this website will be biased towards negative experiences. I hoped I could re-frame my thinking and how I reacted in seeing this person but at the moment it seems something unhealthy and way out of control (unconsciously). I have enquired about therapy. I will think about an SSRI.

It’s good to hear you are post limerent. When in contact I certainly felt what I was experiencing could ruin my life. I guess the ongoing intrusive thoughts that just drift and can really consume and occupy my thinking is what I would like to be free of. I think the timeframe is a good point. Cheers.

You know yourself best. If you think SSRIs might help, go for it. Part of every discharge plan for my son involved both a psychiatrist for managing the medication and a therapist for the rest of it.

I’m all for “better living through chemistry” if that’s what it takes. In November, 2018, I wasn’t on a single prescription medication. By June, 2019, I was on 8 of them. You do what you have to.

I’m not sure what your situation or greater good is. I think a lot of comments touch on people already being in a relationships as being a major obstacle.

I would like to say I would love to get in to contact, hang out, be my normal self and get to know the person. However, as soon as I am in contact, my mind and body becomes consumed and I cannot think of anything else, and I cannot do anything about it. I experience crushing chest pains waiting for a text. I feel lost in my mind when I’m at work trying to help other people. Or constantly feeling heart pounding and churning in my stomach and loins. Not being able to sleep and eat properly. And I can’t control or contain it. It immediately returned on getting back in touch. Plus permanent anxious and panic state. Seems very unconscious and like an addiction when I’m in the middle of it.

I feel like it seems wrong when there is not a clear obstacle in the way, apart from some ambivalence on behalf of the girl. I am attracted physically, enjoyed her company on the several dates and times I spent with her prior, and there was some reciprocation, but also ambivalence. I guess my greater good is for my own health and a balanced relationship in the future, certainly in me.

I had reached a crossroads in my life, career and location to live which added a time boundary and existential dilemna when I met and started seeing this person. I was not fully happy and probably had some deeper loneliness and unfulfilment . If anything I was emotionally ready and had space for a relationship. I definitely emotionally attuned and attached way too much early on (I had learnt to do psychodynamic therapy during this). I know I drifted and fantasized as a source of pleasure, whenever I was tired, down etc after first meeting this person. My thoughts in the day became more consumed and connected to the person. I think there are deeper issues that I more mindful of and possibly will learn more with therapy. I think the SSRI might help with my obsessive thoughts and anxiety state as well as time.

Hopefully, that answers your question. It may be not what you expected and now don’t relate to my situation. I could have simply said I feel my gut knows it is right for me to step away. I hope you find clarity in yours.