Well my LO is DEFINITELY a narc. He flirts with all the women (I spoke with a bunch of them around, they confirmed) he uses them (told one he made out with that he loves her, then asked to move in with her and her bf), he’s “Polyamorous” aka sleeps with whoever he can snag in his trap and commits to no one, he has low empathy (people complain about other things he does and he just waves it off, even when they say it harms them) and insists he is right and they are cry baby Karen’s, he treats women who he doesn’t think as “hot” as useless, and sends them away. He’s also a drug user with violent tendencies. As if this needed to get any worse.

I got caught because he flirted with me and I was blind to his behavior towards other women. I am not used to get flirted with so I developed a crush quickly. When he started to talk to me and cuddled with me, I was elated. Only to be brought crashing down when his girlfriend showed up a few hours later and I realized I was nothing to him. Nonetheless, he continued to flirt with me, even with her there.

I have removed myself from any interaction with him and haven’t spoken with him in weeks. I still ruminate about him most of the day, even though I despise him as a person. I feel like this devaluing of him is a bit unfair though, no one else (in the ‘club’, because there is a large club of beautiful young women he keeps around him) seems to dislike him despite admitting he does all the things listed above.

Can we be stuck in limerence with someone who we don’t want a relationship with objectively? I know reality, but some part of me thinks that he will fall in love with me and suddenly become a decent person, these thoughts make me feel insane. I’m No Contact but it isn’t letting up. Also I have OCD.

My story is here: https://livingwithlimerence.com/why-cant-i-get-over-my-crush/#comment-37017

After one comment mentioning that maybe she also had some feelings for me, I thought of some of her questions and also words to me… which I now think that maybe she was flirting and also being extra nice to me.
And she seemed to have the need to show off her pilates abilities, she is well trained and showed me a couple of times difficult movements/positions that showed off her muscles.
Once I showed her pictures of my inspirations, I am training to gain more muscles and showed her some pics of what I’d like to achieve with my arms… She dismissed them and said it was all about the studio lights (erh no, those girls I showed her ARE muscular), and then she showed me hers. It was a bit weird, now that I think of it.
She likes to talk about herself, a lot. Both about how great she is or what she achieved, and also playing victim because at the spa she doesn’t get the recognition she thinks she should.

She would also get quite annoyed if she gave an opinion or stated a (to her) fact and I didn’t agree or I tried to add to it.

Of course, it still remains a mystery why she gave me her IG and then she avoided and ignored me big time when we met outside of the spa (story in link above)

So I am starting to think she is either narcissist or has some major emotional maturity issues.

And still, I keep longing to talk to her. It’s desperating to feel like this 🙁

Welcome Brazil Woman,

That’s too bad your current relationship is struggling in such a difficult way. I hope you find a solution and that you can reconnect with your SO. I will try to answer your questions.

You are not currently available to pursue LO, so, unless you are willing to cheat on your SO, never tell LO that you are attracted to him and never seek validation from him.

NC is for deprogramming. Do NC if you need to get LO out of your mind.

Good luck!

I have a question. My LO does not seem to have any of those red flags (except maybe being shy-friendly to many people). He is kind, a good listener, low-profile, relaxed. He seems really shy and loving, but he does not always finds his way to me. When we can talk, he is very soft, cute, touchy and large smiles. I only see him smile like that to me, but I can’t see really clear without my glasses to know when he is talking to another woman lol. I have been with narcisistics before and he is not one of them. I do think, tough, he could be avoidant or at least not confident about himself (he is handsome).

I do have a long term relationship now that has a major issue: sex. I love my boyfriend and he is one of the most amazing ppl on earth, but after so many years, I’m not hoping for a cure for that. I long (with so much guilt) for a healthy, stable, loving and well… a bit erotic relationship. That’s the difference between friendship and love, right?

I am limerent about this LO. I know this obsession all my life, and had a few different LOs. It feels so wrong being limerent, and yet, the hope is all there.

I’m going to therapy too.

THE QUESTION 😀 Could you guys tell more about when to seek for LOs validation (ask if they like us, godammit! – but not when we’re on another relationship) and when to go NC?

Smith,
I think you asked why a woman would pick one man over another. Have you even seen the American sitcom “Parks and Recreation”? There’s a scene in which a very attractive woman is having lunch with two male characters. The first is played by actor Rob Lowe, a total hunakzoid. His character is perky, chipper, positive and compliments her in a non-sexual, politically correct way. He asks her out on a date. She says no. The second character is played by actor Nick Offerman, who is nowhere near as traditionally attractive as Rob Lowe. He and the woman have not spoken one word to each other the entire lunch. After the Rob Lowe character leaves, the Nick Offerman character looks at the woman and says, “Do you want to get out of here?” So it’s a sexual pass. Not a date. She says yes, and they get up and leave together immediately. It’s a great scene. The no-nonsense, no b.s.-approach appealed to her. It signals he can get the job done. 🙂

Marcia,
Yes, exactly. He has abilities and intelligence. He chooses to not use them. He struggles with many issues and self-medicates.
Maybe he’ll choose a better life for himself on down the line.

Beth,
” He was boosting his ego, and bragging about his sexuality and conquests.”
I got the impression this guy was a middle-aged man. Not to be offensive, but he sounds immature.

I thought of letting his online comments go. He was boosting his ego, and bragging about his sexuality and conquests. He’s a lonely man who doesn’t have much, except for a presence on that site.
However…he wasn’t going to do it at my expense.

Marcia,
He’d never lashed out at me that way before. My initial thought was that I’d wished he’d done it sooner. Then I’d have worked past limerence much faster.
I’m embarrassed that I trusted him at all.
Your friend and her guy sound as if they have attachment issues. One day, she will be done. And she’ll look back and wonder why she cared.

Beth,
“It’s embarrassing. So a couple months ago I reached out to LO. I had not been in touch with him for six months. ”
Nothing to be embarrassed about. There isn’t a limerent on the planet who hasn’t had a relapse. Or two or three. 🙂
Your LO is a mean-spirited person, as I’m sure you know.
I have a friend who is involved in this very toxic relationship — she breaks up with the guy, he begs forgiveness, she thinks it will be better this time so she gives him another chance. Rinse and repeat. And I told her the other day, “I think you will get to a point where you are just done.” I feel I am 80ish percent of the way there with my LO. It sounds like you are well on your way there, too (or maybe there already). It’s a beautiful place to be because you just don’t care anymore. You don’t wish the person any harm. But you are indifferent.