I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means for people trying to heal their long-term relationships and recover from limerence–without admitting to their spouses what was going on for them. I wonder if you *can* have true trust and emotional intimacy when a secret of this magnitude hangs between you. I think this would be especially true if you’d confided the secret in someone else–e.g. an LO.

In my case, as the quasi-unsuspecting spouse (I kind of suspected but didn’t want to believe it because it seemed so out of character for me husband), I assumed that all of our marital problems came down to my own inadequacies, and that any joint attempts at improving our marriage (e.g. couples counseling) were going to revolve around how I needed to change/be better to deserve my perfect spouse. I was terrified of hearing my worst fears (that I was unlovable and inadequate) confirmed, so I avoided him and dodged the idea of counseling the one time he brought it up.

His disclosure to me was a lightbulb moment. Of course it was excruciatingly painful–but it leveled the playing field. I realized that we were pulling each other in a downward spiral, hiding what we most needed to share, and turning outward or inward instead of towards each other. Suddenly nothing in life felt more important than working to save our marriage. And the effort that I put into our marriage made him feel better about letting go of LO, just as the effort that he put in made me feel valued and safe. I have no idea how we’d have managed to fix this without facing the truth together.

I agree with Lee. In these times of influencers, branding for everyone and everything and relentless marketing, your approach about your own work is very refreshing, Dr. L. But perhaps you are overcompensating? Just a tad bit of discreet marketing for a useful tool (placing a notice where people can actually find it), would probably be well appreciated.

You could put it down at the bottom. So that way it’s visible but it’s not jumping up and down and screaming, “Look at me! Buy me!”

Remember that many in the fog of limerence (or anger or whatever) may be feeling desperate and need to find what they need NOW. Consider it a kindness, not a hard sell.

“Busy, busy, busy, is what we Bokonists whisper whenever we think of how complicated and unpredictable the machinery of life really is.

But all I could say as a Christian then was, “Life is sure funny sometimes.”

“And sometimes it isn’t,” said Marvin Breed.”

― Kurt Vonnegut – “Cat’s Cradle”

Thanks for the endorsement Berty! Really glad the course has helped.

I have considered putting it on the homepage, but that seems a bit “in your face” for my tastes. Possibly being oversensitive, but I think the people who will benefit most are those that find the site, read around a bit and connect with the ideas, and then decide they are ready to take action.

I really appreciate your comment – it’s genuine recommendations like yours that make me stick with it!

So one thing that is a little more effective than snapping the rubber band on the wrist technique is Dr. L’s Emergency Deprogramming Course: https://courses.livingwithlimerence.com/courses/emergency-deprogramming-course. It is really good and well worth the modest investment! As well as providing deeper insights into the whole limerence process, it provides tools and action steps to help us get out of the “pit”. It really does help ease the suffering and accelerate the recovery time. I really appreciate the thoughtful, compassionate and humorous style. Highly recommended! I know that Dr. L added it as a link to the Resources list, but I’m hoping to nudge him a little to display it more prominently on the homepage so more people can benefit from it.

Yes, because sometimes your sense of humor helps your sanity!

Yes, I am with you on this, MLBI! Well-put. Cosmic ridiculousness, and the laughter is rather bitter for me. The kicker is that whether things go ‘well’ or ‘badly’ with LO, it’s debilitating either way. A cruel joke. Let’s keep on distancing ourselves from it.

Unfortunately, it’s a totally virtual enemy. I’m reduced to ‘trying to go limited contact’ or ‘no contact’ and I literally wear a little rubber string which I snap against my wrist with gritted teeth. Humiliating.

Does anybody else out there have a black sense of humor? Does anybody else sense the cosmic ridiculousness?

I’d like to remind everyone that my limerent brain is an idiot.

Thank you, Jaideux and AL, for this insightful conversation.