My LO was 30 years younger…

VL,
“It also makes is difficult when the person wanting out still cares for their spouse.”
My friend still cared for her husband, but he refused to get counseling, so the marriage was never going to get better. They were also living in a house that neither could afford individually, but he would not discuss selling it. He was holding her hostage. She wanted out. So she pulled the nuclear option.

@Marcia, I understand that legally it only takes one person to make the decision to separate and divorce, but when the other party isn’t cooperative it can make the process much harder from a logistical and financial perspective. It does kind of put a wrench in the works and forces the person wanting to end the marriage back to the drawing board. It also makes is difficult when the person wanting out still cares for their spouse. It isn’t easy.

“I am facing, and the fact that my wife flat out refuses to consider separation and divorce. ”
She doesn’t have to consider it. You’ve told her you want out many times. You have done your due diligence. You would not be blindsiding her. I had a friend who packed up her stuff and left while her husband was as at work. She was worried how he’d respond and rightfully so. He went ballistic. Even though they agreed they needed to break up in several, long conversations. You have to do what you have to do.
We don’t live in an era where people have to give permission for a divorce.

Thanks Dr. L. I totally agree. Anon doesn’t know me or my situation, or what I’m going through. This is a troll comment. I am living in a very unhappy, abusive marriage. I have told my wife probably more than 100 times that I want a divorce. The police and child protection authorities are involved in relation to the dynamics between her and my daughter. My wife is bossy, controlling, manipulative and abusive towards me (and my daughter). We aren’t a good fit and we are moving in opposite directions with our lives. But I care about this woman, despite the fact that she gaslights me. Things are never as black and white as what people make them out to be. I have actually sought out personal counselling, but that didn’t quite solve my problems, although they agreed with me that my situation is unacceptable and that it might be worth going to couple’s counselling as well. Many people in this community have also told me I should divorce my wife, and they actually think I’m nuts for not making a move to leave her by now. “Why don’t you just divorce her already?” they basically ask me, but it is never that simple, especially with the financial, logistical, emotional and family barriers I am facing, and the fact that my wife flat out refuses to consider separation and divorce. It’s been almost two years since I made the above comment. Since then, I’ve become a lot more thick-skinned and a lot more comfortable in my own skin, and comments like this no longer bother me to the same extent.

While I agree that therapy to understand the possible origins of unhappiness is a good suggestion, the idea that VL is solely responsible for the deterioration of his marriage and it’s all because of self-hate is the kind of message that an abusive spouse would deliver.

I suspect it is a message he has heard before.

I’m not sure how you can take yourself seriously. You’re 110% having a midlife crisis and destroying the loved ones around you.

Accept responsibility for your actions and seek therapy so you can face your own internal demons that are making you unhappy.

The unhappiness is coming from within and all this limerance nonsense is an escape created by your mind to avoid facing the things you hate about yourself.

Allie,
“I have read that peri-menopausal hormonal fluctuation can cause an increase in libido.”
Mine died once I hit peri-menopause. However, when I hit 40, it spiked … and that was also the year I met my LO. I also think the death of my sex drive has something to do with aging. I still looked pretty good at 40. But the early 50s have done a number on me. That’s why, when I see young women, I want to grab them and say: DO EVERYTHING NOW. You will never look this good again or have all of these people around you who are available. Date several Mr. Inappropriate, dance on some tables, drink too much, take that dead-end job just because it’s fun. You will never have these opportunities again.

Yes, I think my improved libido is mostly due to my LE.
But it did start before that, probably as my kids have become older, some of my focus in life has naturally shifted away from them and back to myself. Like you VL, hormones are also a factor for me – I have read that peri-menopausal hormonal fluctuation can cause an increase in libido.