I wouldn’t send the email. It’s really not her job (and I am not scolding you or anything) to help you get over your LO. I think it would be a strange email to receive.

I know this is an old post for what’s the update on you?

I started to write an email to one of his “friends”, I know for a fact they dated for a few months and she ended it, or so his version states. It’s been years and she clearly moved on, would it make me look insane if I reached out to her to ask her if she wouldn’t mind sharing some things that might help ME to move on? I started writing to her last year but the email has been sitting in my draft folder, I’m paralyzed with fear and can’t send it. We’re both grown women, she’s a complete stranger but as far as I’m aware, she and LO haven’t been in contact in years, practically since she dumped him. I have this naive fantasy that if she’s open to it, she could provide me with some answers I’ve been looking for. My LO is in his mid 40s and very non committal. Does he likes flings that lead nowhere or is it a case of his prolonged search for the one? I have a feeling that woman knows.
Please don’t crucify me here, I know this is a strange idea on my part, and probably the reason why I haven’t send this email yet.

Ophelie,
Sounds like he likes to collect what I call orbiters. It feeds the ego, I’m guessing. My LO did that. All kinds of little flirtations going on.

Why do they propose friendship? My LO seems to collect many female friendships and I strongly suspect most of them are former flings. Oh what I would do to ask those women what they know. Should I? A few are easily identifiable on social media.

BLE,

Unlike many posters here, LwL doesn’t mark the beginning of my journey, it marks the end of it.

After doing the work, there were still a few loose ends. I stumbled on LwL and eventually, I was able to wrap those up.

I don’t think I’ll ever make it to total zen-like indifference but bemused detachment feels pretty good.

I’ve made it to the point where I can look back, shake my head, and mutter,

“What was I thinking?!”

Sammy,
” It’s very hard to find things, other than music and occasionally literature and TV shows, that allow us to steep ourselves in those bittersweet feelings so often aroused by limerence.”
I would agree with that, but I when I read a piece of great writing or see a show that speaks to me, I have no one I can share that with. Not anyone who would appreciate it on the same level — be as moved or inspired by it.
” But when I stopped being entertaining and wanted to talk about serious topics, he immediately checked out. Maybe this is why I play the clown? Clowning appears to be the only way I connect with people. Most people are confused and/or intimidated by my intellectual side. 😛”
You have an intellectual side. I have an intense/ emotional side, but I’m usually told I’m too serious or too negative or that I expect too much. Don’t you long to share your intellectual side with someone?
“I’m sure you’ve found people don’t always grasp the enchanting whimsy and the passionate-inspiring-crusader thingy that’s part of your INFP make-up? ”
I actually relate more to being an Enneagram 4. When I read Myers-Briggs, I just kind of shrug.

@Marcia.

I’m not sure what we’re supposed to do if we don’t feel sufficiently challenged by our everyday lives and our minds start to wander as a result. It’s very hard to find things, other than music and occasionally literature and TV shows, that allow us to steep ourselves in those bittersweet feelings so often aroused by limerence. I think limerence is about wanting those powerful and delicious emotions – emotions that almost put us in a trance.

However, in some ways I find this not-enough-mental-stimulation explanation for limerence comforting. “Hey, it’s not me. It’s not LO. It’s the environment that’s the problem! Need a few more toys and puzzles and objects of interest in my mouse cage!” Haha! 😛

I agree “excited” is an awfully strong word. And since I found my high school LO so disproportionately exciting and everything about him “salient”, I wonder if that means I unconsciously found the rest of my life unexciting and lacking salience by comparison? I thought I didn’t fit in at school. But maybe I had simply leapfrogged ahead of my peer group intellectually…

LO was not my intellectual peer. He had average intellect. But it didn’t stop me crushing on him madly, and thinking (wrongly) he could keep up with me when I wanted to share all my big ideas and insights with him.

Of course, there is a level of absurdity I think in how enthusiastically we react to our LOs. For example, I just remembered the other day that my LO once wrote me a letter on yellow notepaper. And ever since yellow notepaper has seemed highly significant and meaningful to me…

(LO used yellow notepaper! Oh gosh! Yellow notepaper must be magical! Yellow notepaper must have special properties if LO uses it!)

Of course, yellow notepaper isn’t objectively special. Anyone can write on yellow notepaper. It might not even be the best colour paper to write on. But because LO wrote on yellow notepaper, yellow notepaper seemed wondrous! I don’t even think I like yellow notepaper as a rule! Haha! 😛

Also, LO apologised to me in that letter for “rambling”. I should have taken that for a sign we weren’t intellectually compatible. He found me very entertaining. But when I stopped being entertaining and wanted to talk about serious topics, he immediately checked out. Maybe this is why I play the clown? Clowning appears to be the only way I connect with people. Most people are confused and/or intimidated by my intellectual side. 😛

Oh, the joys of being an INTJ. (Pity party for me).

I’m sure you’ve found people don’t always grasp the enchanting whimsy and the passionate-inspiring-crusader thingy that’s part of your INFP make-up? Did you know Virginia Woolf was supposed to be an INFP? Her books/writing style suddenly make a whole lot more sense to me…

@BLE,

“Your username suggests you have overcome limerence for good. I’m very curious how you have achieved that.”

A lot of time and a lot of work. All told, starting with my ex-girlfriend, LO #2, and working through my LE with LO #4 25 years later, it took over 10 years and working off and on formally with 2 therapists and informally with 2-3 more to get to where I am now. LwL helped immensely putting a lot of the puzzle together. I wasn’t in an LE all that time. I would come back to work on something as I gained insight into how I tick.

But, honestly, I ran out of strings to pull. I looked at thing over, under, sideways, you name and I did it twice to make sure I didn’t miss anything. Once I hit that point time did its thing. I still find limerence fascinating as a subject.

My story is well documented on the site. I changed my screen name a few months back. It used to be Scharnhorst so if you see those posts in old blogs, that’s me. If you read them, you’ll see a transition in my posts from then until now.

I still may be vulnerable to a limerent that but it won’t be the same threat as the first 4 LOs were. However, since I’ve never encountered an LO who didn’t fit the pattern, I doubt it.

Did that make any sense?

Thank you for your reply and the linked posts. I guess I really do use limerence as stress relief or for mood regulation.

I also see that limerence is not “a cause”, it does however serve a function. For me that is the above. I’m not entirely sure I’m on board with the whole “attachment theory and some people resemble childhood wounds so they glimmer etc” argument. When I evaluate my past LEs I’m pretty confident that my life circumstances in those times made my mind actively (though subconciously) look for a person to obsess over. You meet so and so many people in a certain period of time – someone will fulfill the requirements to serve as LO (hot/cold behavior etc). Had I met those LOs in different life situations I’m pretty confident they would not have “glimmered”.
Unfortunatelly, hardship and tough times are a part of life and until I find some other form of stress relief I will be highly suscetible to limerence.

You state that you can get past any LE if you understand the mechanism. I’m not sure if I agree completely – I think if you are self aware and know what situations make you vulnerable to limerence you can maybe avoid following the glimmer like a moth but once you are limerent for someone it’s not quite that simple, is it? An addicted brain is an addicted brain and you can’t just “stop” the neurochemicals at will…you can desensitise, you can avoid certain situations or people (just like you would when you have a drug addiction) etc but it’s a process. Also, intermittent reinforcement just, well, works. In any sort of context – not only in the realm of romance – and for pretty much any higher species. So if you have a developed brain, you can train it into addiction. I wonder though why limerence is still so distinct from other addictions. At some point limerence fades out – this doesn’t happen with other addictions. So maybe my argument isn’t quite sound after all.

Your username suggests you have overcome limerence for good. I’m very curious how you have achieved that.