This logic is ridiculous. LO gave you attention because you unconsciously gave them a map on how to do that. You probably gave your SO a false map that only made the issue worse. The problem with delusional observations is that they’re based on false framing. Chances are you probably encouraged your SO to behave as he did without you even realizing it. Your brain is on drugs, but unlike actual junkies you’re just not even aware that’s the case.

Nicole, sorry I’m not responder you are looking for. Your story breaks my heart. I think you might find the marriage helper YouTube videos helpful. The founder went through what your husband is experiencing. He made some big mistakes in his marriage during a limerent experience. If memory serves me correctly, he left his family for 3 years and lived a very different lifestyle. But, when he came to his senses, he was lucky that his wife was willing to try again. If you haven’t heard their story, I think it might interest you.

Best of luck! Raising young kids is hard enough. You really didn’t need this extra stressor.

Did your husband every snap out of it? Going through this exact scenario right now. It started when I was 8 weeks pregnant and I now have a 9 week old newborn and he’s still obsessed with LO. We have actually begun the divorce process.

I am in this exact situation. I’ve been with my husband half my life. Together 17 years and married 9. We have a three year old daughter. I got pregnant with our second child in February of this year and he “left” me 8 weeks later. There was someone else from our gym (who knows me) that he became deeply involved with and he had a full blown affair with her. The person he turned into was a stranger with absolutely no morals or values. He rewrote our history, put her on a pedestal, turned everything around like he was the victim if I spoke badly about her. I finally got him to leave her towards the end of my pregnancy but soon after the baby was born he went straight back. I cannot take this emotional abuse any longer (we are still living together) as I have a 9 week old baby and a toddler to care for. I’ve already contacted a lawyer to start the divorce process. I stress over how long this entire thing will take and I know he’s throwing everything away for this other person who is complete trash.

Hi Resilient Soul, and welcome, but sorry that you’ve been driven here by such horrible circumstances.

I think you’re going to need that resilience, unfortunately. Limerence is really difficult to deal with, but it sounds from your summary as though your husband doesn’t want to try at all and is totally fine with blatantly disrespecting you and pleasing himself. My attitude to this sort of scenario is: even if you could salvage the marriage, would you really want to? Would you ever respect him again? Would you trust him again? Would you respect yourself for taking back someone of such poor character?

Sorry for the grim prognosis, but sometimes the chumplady motto (leave a cheater gain a life) has a simple truth to it. Looking after yourself and your baby is the number one priority now. You shouldn’t have to compete for him – he should be looking after you. The fact that he isn’t means, unfortunately, mustering the strength from within your resilient soul to protect yourself and your baby – with the support of friends and family if you can.

Again, I’m sorry for the downbeat message, but understanding limerence is not going to explain why he has made the choices he’s made. That’s on him and his character. Limerence is an emotionally overwhelming experience, and it may help you understand why this hurricane has hit your family, but it isn’t an excuse to abandon responsibilities and loved-ones.

Good luck and best wishes.

I’ve just come across this, and my husband is caught in this web, this article has given me freedom (bless and thankyou for writing this)…yet, I agree with above comment, through sickness and in health, I will love him. I have hope in healing for both of us from this insidious addiction.

Thanks Sophie. I think marriage/family counselling is a good idea, but I am not sure if she will agree to it. I really had to explain to her today how innocent my LO was in all of this. All she did was be decent and kind to me, while she was flirting with my brother in-law. She did nothing to flirt with me, although I somehow feel like the sexual energy she was giving off towards my brother in-law ended up affecting me instead.

Thanks Lee-Anne. It was a terrible experience, and I have confirmation that my colleagues DID overhear. My wife threatened to contact my LO yet again today after we had a major argument over something totally different (but of a totally minor nature to being with). I called her bluff on it though and told her I don’t believe she is actually going to contact my LO, but if I did think she would ever do it that I would contact my LO myself preemptively to let her know what to expect from my wife. I was dead serious about that and I think that kind of freaked my wife out a bit because she knew I meant it. I also reiterated to her how innocent my LO was in all of this and how unfair it is to involve an innocent third party.

I really had no choice but to disclose the whole thing to my wife a month ago. My SO could see I had been acting strangely for an entire month and she demanded to know what exactly was going on. She knew I wasn’t myself, so I ended up telling my SO. I was also worried by LO would tell my brother in-law about my exchange with her, so I thought it was better coming from me.

I am sure my wife does care a great deal, but I am not sure if we are actually going to make it. Still, we are going to try to turn things around. She is definitely scared and worried (she tells me she is having recurring nightmares I am cheating on her, which I would never do).

Oh what a nightmare!!
On one hand at least she cares enough, but it’s very difficult to explain that LOs are sometimes completely unwitting/oblivious, and the problem is mainly in our heads.

I knew I was lucky there with my SO as he isn’t one for confrontation – he joked about it but I was reasonably sure he would never actually do it. Ironically if things were the opposite way round, LO would be more likely to confront than SO… Possibly part of his appeal.

I really hope that you and your SO are able to make some progress. We had a very good marriage counsellor and whilst things arent perfect, she enabled me to express what needed to be said to improve our marriage without the fear of passive/aggressive behaviour I was used to getting from SO in response. We’re in a much better place now, and hope you’re able to find that too.