The really strange thing about limerence is it’s not about sex per se. It’s about attention from a particular person. It seems that attention alone (or encountering something in the environment reminiscent of the person) is what sends the limerent reward circuits into overdrive. This is probably what a non-limerent would find hard to understand i.e. why is attention from this one person so important when you could get, say, better attention from fifty other people?

Me too, Matt! I think I actually have a fantasy that my LO will find my comments, realize how much she means to me and start to feel the same way. But what I think might be more likely if she found my comments is that she would say something like, “VL, can you please stop commenting about me! We hardly know each other and it’s embarrassing for me. I’m not interested in you (and never would be) and you’re married (remember, I was interested in your brother in-law, NOT you).” The things our limerent brains do to us!

Good luck, VL! I’ve always enjoyed your posts. I understand what you’re talking about with this site. I feel myself understanding more deeply about why I am how I am… but at the same time I feel myself hoping people will shout out, “Matt!!! Can’t you see that your LO is desperate to be with you?!?!?” The site feeds the monster in my head at the same time I’m learning how to kill it.

Thanks Dr. L. This is an amazing site and community you have built here. I appreciate your posts and your kind and thoughtful words over the past few months, and I will definitely be back at some point. I am just stepping away for a while to see if that might help me in my recovery and allow me to focus on some aspects of my life that definitely require my full attention. Thanks again!

Ha! Utterly pointless — but I guess that’s the “point!”

Thanks Scharnhorst for all of your insight. We haven’t always agreed on everything, but your annoying habit of being right has given me a much needed kick in the backside several times and made me think about things in a different light! 🙂

Thanks Vincent. What is it about those milestone birthdays that make us re-examine and re-evaluate our lives? Personally, I didn’t have too difficult a time turning 40, but I did have a hard time turning 30 for some reason. 50 will be a doozy though! I also have a sense that I squandered my 40s. I don’t feel like my life progressed much at all during the decade between 40 and 50, and I have read up on the “happiness curve,” where our level of happiness is supposedly at our lowest in our late 40s. That certainly has been the case for me, and I am hoping things will get better at 50! Already, I am insisting on losing weight and a greater emphasis on fitness and exercise, career change, financial health and security and improvements to my social life, marriage (if possible) and family life.

I think I was doing better at avoiding limerent rumination three or four months ago, and I have started thinking about my LO much more often these days. I have again been allowing myself to get carried away with the fantasy, thinking I am unable to stop it anyway, so why not let it run its course? That needs to stop. I am not trying to stop my thoughts of her altogether because that is totally unrealistic and my mind would just rebel, but I need to really focus on purposeful living and getting my thinking cap on to solve some of the real problems that exist in my life. As you point out, I will probably be back here some day, but for now I am going to try stepping away for a bit.

Thanks Benjamin. I hope me stepping away for a while is indicative of some level of recovery, but I am not sure. I think I am just developing better coping strategies as opposed to actually being in recovery (I see there being a difference between the two, but perhaps they are connected as well). I do think limerence is about caring about the person. It isn’t usually just about pure sexual attraction, but is more about a desire to form a bond with the LO. I read somewhere else that limerence never exists for more than one person at a time. I suppose that should tell us something as well.

Very true Mia. Fantasies are so seldom rooted in reality! Thanks for your support and insight over the past few months as well.

All the best from me too, VL. Thanks for your many contributions, and good luck with striking your path to a purposeful future!

We’ll be here again any time you want to check back in.