The reward of being limerant
-free does not chemically stimulate the ventral striatum (the rewards center of the brain) but it’s about being able to focus on other things than are beneficial and not addictive.

I had a traumatic childhood characterized with divorce, abuse and abandonment before the age of 10. The limerant tendencies surfaced as early as first grade and became worse over time.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional home with no crisis intervention. In my early teens I was flunking out of high school and not able to focus on anything.

Being gay and having Asperger’s made things worse socially. As a teenager I was pretty much an outcast, who was desperate for friends and wanting to fit in.

Most don’t want to hang with someone who is “puppy dog” who wants to tag along. It’s a vulnerable position to be in and the need to be loved and wanted puts a limerant at risk of being exploited by someone who may also a limerant or has an abusive personality.

As a grew older I learned to control those desires in order to survive and succeed in life but being afflicted set me back in my youth.

For years I have been in therapy and it’s only recent that I was able to get a diagnosis for my past ruminations, and obsessive behaviors.

Limerance is not an independent variable or something people are born with but a symptom resulting from environmental conditions, a disturbed or severed mother-child bond during early childhood, loss or trauma as a root cause.

Addressing the trauma, loss or abandonment is the can help to overcome the limerance and understanding that it’s a unhealthy response to our environment.

We also have to acknowledge that strong feelings that we have had for LO’s are unlikely to be mutual and to recognize that it’s about as real, though the physiological aspects make it seem real.

The reality of the LO not being into us doesn’t have to drag us to a dark place. Many limerants are already in a dark place but we need to grieve our losses from past traumas and understand that the LO was a proxy (distant parent or loss of a parent).

I hope this will help others who have suffered for decades or for most of their life. It doesn’t matter who I am but hopefully limerants who have had trauma will seek counseling to get to the source of this behavior.

Limmy, I am so happy for you! Congratulations!

I will miss your presence here, but I am delighted that you are moving on.

Congrats Limmy! Thanks for the kind words. It’s great to have old friends “graduate” and succeed. Long may it last, and good luck for a purposeful future!

I just wanted to say, this is me now! About a week ago (after I turned down the opportunity to see my LO three times in a week in a row), suddenly – the limerence is gone. Third time was the charm (although realistically, it was the latest in a whole series of many many steps to go LC). I hardly dared believe it at first. And I didn’t want to jump the gun and announce it, but it really just feels gone. And I feel confident to say it now.

I have been quite active on LwL for the last few months, and it really helped in my journey towards this point. So thank you all here!

How does it feel? Wow, just not thinking about an LO the whole time – it is miraculous. Refreshing. I am suddenly thinking of a future project, and that is occupying my mind now (not as much as LO did, but some).

I feel very guarded, as in, now that I know I am susceptible to limerence, I don’t ever want to ever fall for a limerent object again. I learnt so much here about resisting the glimmer, which I will keep front of mind. Prevention seems so much easier than extrication after the fact.

I am also very curious in how a lack of an LO is going to affect my relationship with my SO. I realize I’ve never really had a time when there wasn’t an LO lurking in the background, even though very faintly for LO1. To simply be with my SO, with no distractions – that is going to be an experience for sure! I think it might take our relationship to a whole other level. I am genuinely excited about that.

I want to wish all of you here the very best! I hope you get freedom from your limerence too. It does me good to know that you are all out there being kind to one another. Also, that you are there if I ever get into trouble again, and need to get out of it!

And most of all, thank you Dr L. This site is truly a lifeline. Your wisdom and willingness to share it is beyond price. Bless you. All the best for your new endeavors and purpose!

I love this. Moving on gives you power. Onward!
Also, I read a quote today. “Weakness is just strength in the wrong environment. ”
Change the environment!

“Letting go gives you peace but moving on gives you power.”

I like that!

Song of the Day: “St. Elmo’s Fire” – John Parr (1984)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06TPn6mIBX8

“Just once in his life a man has his time
And my time is now, I’m coming alive”

For some reason, I find this song oddly empowering.

“If you are not a fit, you are not a fit.”

@Jaideux.

Truer words were never spoken. Thank you! 🙂

@Jaideux

A thousand likes!