Marcia,
Oh my no!
It’s a rare thing indeed.

I didn’t ask them a ton of qualifying questions, so I don’t know what they meant by “appealing,” but I’m not talking about a guy I think is cute and enjoy talking to. There are a good number of guys who fit into that category. I’m talking about a guy who I interact with and think, “Name the time and place.” 🙂 That doesn’t happen very often.

Marcia,
My LO evaluates women for f-ability all day long, I believe. I don’t think it’s uncommon.
I am aware that I continually, instinctively categorize people of both genders as attractive/unattractive.
Maybe it’s biological. I don’t know the science

Beth,
I was shocked when two male friends, independent of the other, told me they find FIFTY PERCENT of the women they encounter during their day-to-day maneuverings (this is before CO-VID) appealing. I have to admit, it kind of grossed me out. It feels indiscriminate and if, they find you as woman appealing , it doesn’t mean all that much.

Marcia,
You’re absolutely correct.
When I’ve come across someone who does it for me and he’s in, I don’t hesitate.

“The limerence is then build as the potential stored up energy awaiting for its corresponding matching element.

Fortunately for me I never thought any of this was “unhealthy” it just required a very high level of self awareness that usually highly emotionally articulate people tend to have.”

I can only speak of my own experience but…limerence strikes when even “highly emotionally articulate” people are at their worst. That’s the premise and why it’s frighteningly unhealthy.
Never in my life have I been so close to ending it all. The grief over the loss (during NC the first time), I was certain that I was losing my mind over the obsessive, intrusive thoughts, plus the mental and physical pain.
The only other time in my life that I was close to this amount of pain was when I was 14, my family had become recently impoverished, and I’d been sexually abused. That anguish lasted for months. But I was young and didn’t have the coping skills. I had no counseling.
This one bout of limerence…even with three therapists, medication and much more self-awareness…I barely made it. The loss of control was almost crippling.

“ we weren’t natural partners in the way me and SO were”

So when I read this it made me immediately think about genetics. When you say natural partners you mean personalities and the way nurture has shaped you and your partner.
It makes me quite curious as to whether or not some of the Limerence is also part of DNA genetic bonding.
I was think about that study they did where they had 100 men wear the same shirt, no shower, no chemicals – like deodorant. They wore the same shirt, I think it was for five days or something. They then had 100 women smell the shirts and decide which one they liked the smell of. A portion of these women were on oral contraception‘s and a portion not (which I think was the main Pinot of the study) and it seems that the portion who were not on the contraception would pick a shirt that would make a stronger DNA match, than those who were in contraception.

It makes me wonder whether or not those who we are limerent for, on some level it’s telling us that if we joined our DNA then our offspring would have stronger DNA.

Rony,
I don’t understand what you wrote, but it’s just pure biology that is the reason more women are probably limerent. Women, as a general rule, aren’t attracted to anywhere near the number of men as compared to the number of women men are attracted to . A woman does not meet that many guys who light her up. If she does, and he shows interest, she’s in. It’s that simple, and she knows she’s hit the motherlode in this scenario.

Hello Sammy I really like your theory.
My anecdotal observations seems to go toward your direction.
For the record I am male, Infj, and somewhat gifted.

From this perspective I do not project my behavior, and preference into other guy and realize that I am at the unorthodox configuration of physiology, sensibility, and overall makeup.

As far as I can tell limerence in men is mostly seen in artistic, deeply articulated, soul-deep, kind of men, and anytime I talk about my love preference with non limerent it seems like they can never fully get it. But they are themselves congruent with their physiology. The words we use, the dreams and longing we have are the articulation of our makeup

Concerning women I would offer some variation:
I think women are more obsessive in general but not necessarily for deeper reason or greater emotional octaves, in the sense that the source of this limerence is not higher emotional octave, but octave mishearing! It seems to happen more often, seems more “replaceable”, and may be mixed by other anxious, need for security and other emotional need that gives a greater emotional intensity to the process.

I often thought too that overall this is a female strategy, it’s high quality focused, esoteric, destiny driven, which is a response for the need for a more secure, “eternally bound” very much like female need security from the male for childbearing.
For those men, the childbearing equivalent is the encapsulation of an absolute ideal of life which is a reflexion of how they view life in general. They wanna build the ultimate ideal and their love reflect this tendency.

Other reference point could be found in enneagram like the sexual variant of the 5 for example, what they seek is the ultimate trust, as such their love is riddled with test to make sure your are absolutely irréprochable and the absolute embodiment of their ideal.

The limerence is then build as the potential stored up energy awaiting for its corresponding matching element.

Fortunately for me I never thought any of this was “unhealthy” it just required a very high level of self awareness that usually highly emotionally articulate people tend to have.

Even as we define limerence I am pretty sure we still have to distinguish LE that comes from a lacking place of messy emotion vs higher density thought process(maybe)(ex: a low hierarchical male, with no experience, no self awareness, no emotional know-how that project his fantasy into someone vs a relatively conscious male that have limerence born from the fabrics of highly crafted longing)
As such we also found the same in women, both profoundly delusional people and highly self awareness “existentially rich” experience the limerence but the fabrics are made of different quality of materials.

Hope this make sense

(1) He was really stingy with the physical affection.

I think, during the entire course of our 5-year friendship, LO only hugged me once and that was the night of the school formal. Occasionally, he’d drape an arm around my shoulder, but it was awkward – the gesture didn’t come naturally to him. It’s weird. The one thing I really wanted from him (love expressed through touch) was pretty much the one thing he could never give me.

He COULD express affection for his pets, however. (Two puppies). I was so jealous of his pets. He could be affectionate toward them and he couldn’t be affectionate toward me. (Do I sound like a sick and terrible person yet?)

I used to think it was a gender/sexuality thing. I.e. straight men can’t hug. But I’ve since met straight men who will hug trees, telegraph poles and parking metres given half the chance and gay men who freeze like frightened rabbits if you so much as breathe in their direction. So nope. It’s plainly an individual thing. Though I think the ideal of Australian masculinity still leans toward the “no touching” end of the scale. (Unless beer or a football is involved!)

The second last time I saw LO, I wanted him to hug me and asked him directly. He point-blank refused and said he’d give me a handshake instead. I didn’t say anything (and declined the handshake because i felt hurt). However, I was probably thinking something along the lines of: “I’ve worshipped the ground you’ve walked on for five years and all you can offer me now is some piddling little handshake. Gosh, how pathetic!”

I don’t know why I wanted the one guy who couldn’t hug me when I’ve got loads of straight (and gay) friends who will happily give me five hugs in an hour. I guess it boils down to the fact human beings are wired to want what they can’t have…

(2) He was a brilliant gift-giver except when he wasn’t.

One year, for Christmas, LO gave me a Calvin and Hobbes comic book because he said I have a “vivid imagination”. I guess that speaks volumes about how immature I was for my age back then (I was about 20/21) and how my peer group perceived me. What I felt like saying in response to this gift was: “Nah, mate. I don’t want comic books. Next time, if it’s not too much trouble, I’d really prefer diamonds.” Hahaha!

I eventually became convinced LO didn’t love me. But now I can reflect on it, I see maybe he DID love me, but not in a romantic or an erotic way. He loved me the best way he knew how – as some crazy overgrown kid in his life, even though we were the same age. My peers were right: I was incredibly immature for my age.

I’m so glad I can laugh about LE now, even if all the jokes are at my own expense. I’m not a celebrity, but someday I’d love to attend a celebrity-roast type of event, with myself as the victim. Foolish behaviour seems to be my specialty. Egad!