this conversation about women’s attractiveness should get a separate blog thread. It’s distracting and disrespectful for the mostly female patients in this thread agonizing over being prodded to deal with limerence to their therapist because of the mainstream belief it is erotic transference . Women who wish to open up in a safe space about their pain are moving out to private e-mail conversations, but they aren’t the ones who should be leaving to a separate conversation in my opinion..more fair that members causing them to feel uncomfortable in the first place by going into deep conversations about red heads would leave to continue by email.
But I guess there is no monitoring on these threads, just members own integrity and respect to the articles subject.
I’m done now, you got my point 😇

Hi Adam,

I really identify with the need for connection as being core infatuation with LO, who was unfortunately my husband and I couples therapist.
My worry is why if we are married feel like we have an immense need to connect with someone who really understands and accepts us as we are? this need should have been fulfilled in our marriage? I used to think it meant we weren’t right for each other, we are very different in our views on parenting, political issues and many other things.
However, I also read many posts here of limerents who were happily married and still became distracted by thinking about their relationship with an LO

I felt so much more resilient after working with her and having her in my life, but I had to move back to my parents house (i’m in my early 20s) and the difference between how she reacted to me and how my parents did was so stark at that point, that it became unbearable to be in my “real” life, and it had been so painful for so long, I think I wanted to hurt her back, so I got kind of nasty to her at the end and told her I felt like there wasn’t a point to telling her anything, etc. and then got referred out kind of unexpectedly although I deserved it for being mean for no reason.

I didn’t discover limerence until after, but I think this is the only thing that makes sense and my new therapist is researching limerence more with me and is staying on top of it to point out when my thinking is more focused on how she perceives me than on how I feel, and if I was going to become limerent with her it would have happened already, and we’re doing EMDR so it’s more clinical / less talking and less of a relationship, and I think that’s helping.

But the early part of EMDR I spent months focused on breaking down an association between her and the trauma I was supposed to be fixing in the first place because I couldn’t think about her without it triggering everything else too, so the last couple of years since getting referred out have been the hardest years of my life, and I will never do talk therapy again. She said it was transference the whole time and it was normal and good, and at the beginning I really relaxed into being like oh it is normal, this is what therapists are here for! But as the differences between the version of her in my head and real her got more stark, it was just so painful. But even with that pain, I maintained the version of her in my head for the first year after getting referred out just imagining and remembering times I made her laugh, etc. and I can see that that version of her was so wholly delusional now, but I couldn’t face reality for a bit because it was too painful.

It feels a little bit like I can’t connect to other people in reality though. Like I started writing imaginative scenes in my notes app when I was like 10 or 11 about the people I was limerent towards, and I’ve since stopped doing so as often, but I read recently and talked to my current therapist about limerence being closer to OCD actually, because sometimes I’m writing in my notes app already and it takes a minute to be like oh I shouldn’t do this, when did I start? Like it’s just so automatic/maybe a compulsion because when I don’t do it for a while my anxiety goes through the roof. And I know I did that to meet my own attachment needs, but my LO’s have been the only people I’ve felt truly connected to, and without one I feel like I can’t get my feet under me in my own life, like I build up an image of the person in my head that acts as a secure base for me to be able to focus on other things in my life and be more achievement-oriented, but without an LO my life just falls apart.

OMG – I can so identify with the mishandled “closure.” Obviously, he acted in his best interest without considering the effects of his cruel and outright negligent behaviour on you – but you had the inner strength to survive, and for that you deserve high praise.
In jurisdictions with which I am familiar, this “therapist”, if he is overseen by a regulatory body, would be censured and possibly lose his license to practice on the grounds that he is a danger to his clients and the public at large. He sounds like a prime example of a covert narcissist – and I do not use this term lightly. You are indeed blessed to be free of him.
Many thanks for sharing your story.

Song of the day: “Too much too little too late” by Johnny Mathew and Deniece Williams

Wow, Cosmic Fireworks, that is hard. I am at a loss for words.

Best wishes.

The chronology I realize is confusing. I started to feel better, limerence-wise about that therapist about a month ago. It only took nearly 2 years. But then as I was clearing up and realizing perhaps the roots of it, I realized I wanted out of my current relationship. My spouse doesn’t know of my limerence for that therapist, but she knew I wanted to quit seeing her for couple’s therapy. She just didn’t know why. Right after I told my spouse I wanted a divorce, she told me OK she’ll seek help and go to therapy for herself. (Too little too late.) And the therapist she chose was our former couple’s therapist, my former LO.

So with the feeling more stable and objectively able to look at things with more clarity, I realized probably I created that limerence with the therapist because I’m so miserable in my marriage. I think I married an unkind person and it has taken me a whole lot of years to admit to that to myself or anyone. The therapist was just so kind that she filled a huge hole in my life and heart.

I told my spouse I wanted a divorce. A day later, she told me she booked an appointment with our former couples’ therapist, my former LO, only for just herself as an individual. This triggered me more than I would like internally, but I’m really practicing just letting go and not caring. I actually feel… I don’t know, kind of centered. Part of me does care what that therapist is going to hear about me, though. The other part is just trying to stay as busy as possible to try to move on.

BW.,

There used to be a private forum where posters could go more into more personal things and develop relationships, if they chose. DrL discontinued it awhile back.

DrL provides a few alternatives. https://livingwithlimerence.com/community-coaching-and-purposeful-living/

Well done, Beth, you’ve done a really brave thing.

This thread has got a bit too chaotic for me to follow and I feel it’s being derailed with discussions around what people find attractive which is a shame. Because for those of us who have experienced therapist limerence it was a really helpful resource.

If you want to message me you can email travelodgequeenking@gmail.com, not sure if it’s allowed to share emails on here so might get deleted.