Hey Lucky,

Thanks for the encouragement. There are still questions I would like answers to, things he said that I don’t understand, but it’s all part of the self-validation need and none of it does matter, you’re right, I have to remind myself of that.

SO and mine’s date night was good, we had fun and chatted a lot, but I had this niggling sense that there is something missing. Maybe that will change over time, I have to give it a good try. I suppose that’s a grown-up relationship and accepting that relationships do take hard work is all part of it. I still want to feel special for someone and feel in love/loved too. Maybe that’s a conversation we need to have but at the moment I’m scared to go there.

@LIS
Oh, I totally get it! My LO has tons of things taking up his time–duties in the church, demanding job, community positions, family, etc. Yet if he doesn’t respond to a text or e-mail, I’m likely to start running through the paranoid reasons in my head: “Oh no! I creeped him out somehow. I upset him. He doesn’t like me anymore. Why isn’t he answering???!!!” It doesn’t matter that he gave me a warm hug and big smile last time he saw me, or that he will next time he sees me. I have to talk myself down from this every time.

“It’s as if something just started to turn in my brain, the cogs of sense!”

This was a first step for me.

“It doesn’t matter anyway.” -> And this, is what you are aiming for. The opposite of love [and limerence] is not hate, but indifference.

Because so much of limerence is about getting validation for the other, accepting that indifference is the goal is a hard pill to swallow. But because this is not a person who should matter to you in your life, that is the goal.

However, I am glad that you are recognizing that you are in recovery, not “cured” yet – there may be set backs; do not be too hard on yourself if/when that happens. Show yourself some compassion, screw up your determination, and keep trying.

Dear LiS,

My own emotions are all over the place without any input from my LO.
I keep a brief note (not even a journal, just a short tally) of my daily mood with regard to him and when I look back at it, I can see how all over the place I am. Its not very correlated with him, either, a lot can be to do with me and how much brooding I’m doing. So it doesn’t matter if we are LC, there can be a dramatic daily shift in my mood. Maybe keep an eye on this? You are going through a lot and extrinsic (LO-related) factors are only part of it. Ultimately, ye do seem a bit mismatched in terms of emotional needs – why does she keep disappearing when she knows its so upsetting for you? I don’t think that this would ever be resolved were she to be a friend, a new SO, etc. It seems like a mismatch and I think when you look back at this episode in year to come, you will be very struck by that.
Sending all best wishes – have a lovely weekend with the family.

Oh do it ABCD! Buy the waistcoat, make her the priority, make new highlights!

Thanks MJ. I know you’re right that it’s necessary to turn the intensity down a couple of notches. I think that’s partly what she’s doing (consciously or subconsciously I’m not sure) when she goes through these times when she just stops talking to me for awhile – I think in part that’s her way of turning things down when it’s getting too intense (and we had been having a lot of contact and affectionate words over the past few weeks). I think I wouldn’t mind so much if she could just say something like “hey I think we need to take a little break, maybe let’s cool it for a week and then talk again next week?” – I’d deal with that a lot better than just suddenly not getting any response when I text her and not hearing from her at all, and having no idea what’s going on or what’s in her head or if it’s something I did wrong, and if this separation is gonna last for a day or a week or a month or forever. That confusion and uncertainty just makes my feelings more intense, so I’m thinking about her even more while we’re not talking (but more in a dysphoric anxious/ruminating sort of way) and then when she does contact me again I’m so relieved to have contact with her again that I jump right back in over-enthusiastically. That’s part of our pathology together, and why I dream about us going to relationship counseling together – but yeah, I don’t think that’s actually realistic or possible in real life, I don’t know that any licensed therapist would be willing to help emotional affair partners work on improving their relationship, and I don’t think she’d agree to do it even if it was available.

“I’ve arranged a date night so we’ll see where that goes.”

My wife and I use to do date night once a week for a few years before the 2020 quarantine hit us all. It was always the highlight of my week to go out and forget all about everything and enjoy the time alone. A really good way to bond together. We need to start that back up again. I think it will help us both. Me to show I am prioritizing her. And an excuse for me to dress to impress her. Which in turn will be a great excuse to justify buying a new waistcoat haha 🙂

Oh I love this IMHO! That’s exactly how I feel. It’s as if something just started to turn in my brain, the cogs of sense! I wouldn’t say it’s removed all of the uncertainties, SO and I have a lot of work to do, but I’m making a start, I’ve arranged a date night so we’ll see where that goes. I still think about LO and what could have beens but I seem able to let it pass or replace it with something else. I think making a firm decision kind of gives you the momentum to undertake more positive actions – the knock on effect.

I completely get what you mean ABCD, I get sad too, I wonder why he didn’t want me enough, what’s wrong with me? But it’s not necessarily us, it’s the situation, that’s what I tell myself, and it’s a good thing whatever the reason, I do not need chaos in my life, regardless of what happens with SO, and neither do my children. Hold on to whatever you have now that really matters.

Good luck to you both!

Hi Problem Child, and all.

Great to hear your turn of developments. Keep going, and you will feel better and better. You got a lot more closure than I did. In my case, LO just ghosted herself, and I did the same. Right now, a big development that I observe within myself is that I no longer look at LO for validation. I do not even replay old LO actions and interactions to feel good. So, this to me, is a huge step.

I still get sad every now and then, especially wondering why she pulled back, I am hoping that this too will improve with time. I am really intrigued what will happen when we meet face to face next, it is bound to happen sooner or later. Hope that I can manage it well.

Hi Problem Child, just to say what a good outcome after all the turmoil you were going through. Having the clarity and clear message said in-person (words prepared will never come out perfect.) I guess this has removed many if not all of the uncertainties of your LE. Must be like a cloud has lifted, although I’m sure lots of sadness right now. And now onwards. Enjoy the running and other excitements you are going to inject into your life. Very inspirational. Less ‘Problem Child’ more ‘Empowered woman’ !?