Dear Sunshine,
You are in good company because there are two posters here, Nisor, and John, eho have long term LEs just like you. If you follow the comments in the blogs from the recent month or so, you will get a lot from their exchange. I do, and I am only just observing (my LE is more recent, though not very recent 5 years!! Debilitating for the last 2 years). Have a nice weekend.

Limerence is about the desire to be desired – so true. Could not have a better definition than this. I am someone who is living with this pain for the last 40 years from age 9 with same LO who is also the same age as me. I had a relief for 20 years and during the time that I found my wonderful SO, had a really great love life, wedding and build the family with beautiful kids. But the ghost of my LO started for follow me again for the last 7 years when I saw him in a school social media group and pain I have been suffering is beyond words. I am at last glad that there is name for it and know that there are people who can understand this agony. Thank you so much for the website and people who have contributed their knowledge and experience.

I have been in one for about 2 years now. It’s the first time this has happened to me, and I am grateful to have found this community back in January and finally know what is happening to me.

LO was a now former co-worker. She left the company back in June of last year, so it helped with trying to cope with this limerence. I have been diligent in not contacting her since she left. She called me one time a few months after she left but since then nothing. I’ll admit to having checked her social media 2 or 3 time since but I try to keep myself from that as well.

No contact (if that is possible in your case) and engaging more with my wife has helped in the months since I found this community with the intrusive thoughts. I also spend at least an hour or more each week night after work playing an online video game with our sons. (One is at home and the other in college.) It helps too with not thinking about LO.

The other thing is to try and figure out why you went limerent for someone. In my case our marriage has been shaky in the last 3 years and my wife and I have kind of drifted apart. There is little to no intimacy and not very much emotional needs getting met. So a nice, sweet lady I work with that listens, laughs and gives me attention (innocent attention and no leading on her part) triggered the glimmer and that’s when the limerence flared. In hindsight I see this. The attention she gave me, my brain misconstrued and before I knew it I saw her as a completely different woman than I had before the glimmer.

From the experiences I have read of others here and Dr L’s actual posts, it seems that there is always a reason for the limerence. It’s not really an accidental thing. You, yourself may not intentionally want to go limerent but your brain does it for you as it a neurological event.

This place and these people have been a blessing. And having people to talk with about the experience that are in all kinds of different situations helps with the struggle. Feel free to comment and talk all you want. It really does help.

Shes asleep on the couch from a migrane. Im holding her hand and sitting on floor laying in her lap. I love her Miss Lovisa. She squeezed my hand. She knows its me.

Hi Adam,

I don’t think you are selfish. You get a chemical reward from thinking about LO and you get so much more from your wife. They are both meeting some needs and that’s why you’re drawn to both of them.

I think Limerent Emeritus is right about the drinking. I think you might be stuck in a bad habit, but you can make changes anytime. I would encourage you to do something different today. The weather is beautiful in my area, I hope it’s nice where you live. Go outside and do yard work or go for a walk or play a game. That will pull you out of the rumination at least for a little while. It’s good to take steps in the right direction.

My daughter wants to do a short, but steep trail today. I told her that I’ll do it, but we can’t run because my knee is still sore. She doesn’t like running anyway so this will work out. I’m planning to use poles to see if they help my knee. It’s the downhill that I am dreading.

Happy day!

Limerent Emeritus is right (don’t tell him I said that because I don’t want it to go to his head, *wink*). A professional therapist would be helpful.

My family had a huge breakthrough today in therapy! Huge! It takes a lot of work to move forward, but I think therapy is worth the effort.

I would love to see you two connect on a level that fills both of your needs.

Adam,

This is why God invented therapists. Does your company have an Employee Assistance Program? If they do, I recommend using it.

If they don’t I recommend finding a therapist on your own that will help you sort through all this. See one for yourself before talking to your wife.

LwL is a great place but it’s not a substitute for professional help.

Yes that’s the gist of it.

And it is difficult to talk about the limerence to make head way together because she immediately gets upset. Which frustrates me and makes me irritable. Momma won’t even say LO’s name the few times we have talked about it since January. She says “her”.

Every other aspect of our relationship is fine. But because of limerence, LO and physical intimacy are very touchy subjects. I don’t want to push it because than we fight. And I don’t want to do that. I just want her to understand. Whether she forgives me or not and we are a couple again won’t ever happen if we can’t get past the limerence itself, as far as I can tell.