When LO and I worked in the same building, her work day was spent in the office, whereas mine had to be on the floor. Rarely would I ever have business to take care of in the office but if I did, I purposely always tried to do it within earshot of LO or in the vicinity of her cubicle. Just so she would notice and maybe want to interact. It never really happened, other than the occasional stare or passing glance. Even when I should’ve said hello, I always clammed up and didn’t. My mistake.

The main thing I always made sure to do was stay on good terms with all her office Co-Workers. Knowing actually some of them better than others. Communicating clearly with them when I knew LO was around. Because I wanted to increase Social Capital.. I figured if I at least sounded intelligent, considerate, and helpful, it would increase my chances to where maybe LO would ask them questions about me and maybe want to meet up. Guess that never happened. Her Manager and I got along really well, but I never asked him anything about LO. I wanted to keep things professional.

Currently, New Lady Friend and I work in the same department, but she works Quality Assurance. She is 29 and exactly 2 months to the day older than LO. What I like best is that our friendship is not forced and she can become so well engaged in conversations with me, that I walk away from them sometimes asking myself if they actually just happened. We get along so well it’s almost scary. At times I feel like I’ve known her for years. I guess that means she does infact have high Social Capital. The crazy thing is, I feel like I should be limerent for her sometimes but I’m simply not.. I think thats the reason why we do get along like we do. Or maybe I just subconsciously realize becoming limerent for her won’t make anything better and will probably make it worse. Good on me if that’s the case. LC and purposeful living must finally be happening. Lwl has done its job.

Looking back, limerence just complicates things. I find that it’s better to not worry so much about what the other person thinks and let things happen. Not allowing some feelings I may be having for my new Friend take so deep a root.
Because limerence overall has just been a very depressing experience for myself.

LO will probably always hold a special place in my heart. Yet I want to do my absolute damndest never to feel that way about another person ever again.

Nice summary/abstraction. Very on point.

It’s not so bad that I stumble into “go see HR or get fired” kind of things. I just seem to perplex the ladies that I work with. I guess what I call “good manners” as a man is not perceived or at least understood by them as well as it is with women my own age. And none of these gals are super feminine women either. All outdoor women and hunters.

The gals are probably not use to a man offering to carry something heavy for them or open a door for them. At least not from a co-worker as oppose to their partners. Things they are certainly capable of doing themselves. Instead of taking that as a offering of respect they tend to see it as an insult or at least a conundrum.

I think it is just two generations trying to come at and understand each other. Often after one of them gets to know me longer it becomes more commonplace and so they are more accepting of it. And I to try and not trip them up and tend to pull back some with my tendencies. It seems we both try to meet in the middle for each other.

Like I could tell that she consciously let me do those kinds of things for her on her last day. Even asking for my help sometimes. Something she balked at the most when I first started working with her. So I don’t feel so perplexed by a younger generation of women’s expectancy of me. It’s more I don’t want to individually offend them by something I did. Even if it is within the bounds of company policy.

Adam,

WRT the young ladies you mention, it makes sense in the context of Social Capital. Each generation of workers seems to define their idea of Social Capital differently. Boomers see some things as earning Social Capital that other generations don’t and vice versa.

If you recognize that, you should be able to navigate smoothly through the organization. If you don’t, the workplace can get pretty bumpy.

Since limerence is in your head, a coworker LO can completely whack your sense of Social Capital. Take ruminating about that last time you had coffee with your LO. Reciprocation is like a deposit slip receipt.

That’s interesting Speedwagon, as I am the exact opposite. While I have no issues holding a conversation and interacting with people I work with, initiating is not something I do much of. For the most part I just sit back and listen and maybe throw it a bit here and there so people don’t think I am antisocial.

But after some time I started actively initiating conversation and interactions with her to the point, much like you, people in the office noticed. Particularly our supervisor since I have known him longer than the other people in that office. So it was really out of character for me.

I guess that it helps that most of the time 80-90% of my day in the office I am in I am alone after the salesman leave in the morning. So I am use to less interaction with people in person. Most of my communication is email and/or text over even phone conversations much less in person.

I am the one, when I was working with her in her location, that someone would be like “Adam are you even listening?” when they’d be talking on lunch break. I would think of something really random and small I heard someone say so they’d know I was paying attention. Then I would be like “Yeah unlike [LO’s daughter name] I am not gonna eat okra off the …… I dunno whatever the hell it grows on.” “You really are a city boy aren’t you?” And then I’m back to quietly listening.

When my LE set in for LO she went from the woman I least socialized with in the office to the one I paid most attention to. I am a fairly easy going, friendly and social person with people I know. I initiate a lot. Our workplace can be quite conversational between people. LO is fairly socially awkward and quite aloof, so I started initiating interactions I never had before with her all in an effort to loosen her up and gain her attention and affection. 8 months later of this song and dance and other co-workers were noticing and mumbling about it. LO heard the mumbling. It ultimately led to my disclosure.

As of today I have no more definable personal relationship with her, mainly because I stopped initiating. We talk a few work things during the day as necessary and that is about it. I don’t know if she notices or not that I have stopped initiating with her. If she does I’m not sure she cares.
There are a couple other people in the office who I enjoy social and personal interaction with much more than LO mainly because they are reciprocal in initiation of conversation.

We have a couple 20 something’s that work for us and generally I find their basic social skills to be lacking. I stay away from them mostly.

L.E.

Great article. Both in analyzing how co-worker limerence may seed for me and also just in general in how to make a good name in work ethic. The last young lady we hired here that will be doing the invoicing for our branch, my boss described me to her as “overly polite but will help you with anything”. Lol. I was like “I’m overly polite?” He said “Yeah with the girls you are.” Which kind of struck me as a critique on his part. Maybe I invest too much social capital in my dealings with my female co-workers and not my male?

This new generation of young ladies are very different than those my age. And it is making it very difficult for me to find a good medium. Newer generations of women are much more independent. The whole landscape of secular interactions are different and still changing from when I was in my teens and 20’s working around both men and women.

I like the last point really well. One I really need to take heed of being that I work for one small department in a huge network of companies one man owns. And they are all intertwined in one way or another. I swung by the corporate office when I was in close physical distance from it one time and tried to reach out to a former co-worker of the same department I am in to say hi but she was out of the office that day. I need to be more mindful of other people within the company.

Great insight for the work place in that article. And a good reflection for me to consider in dealing with my female co-workers.

If an LO is a coworker, their Social Capital is likely off the charts. And, it shows.

I Googled it and there’s a lot written about Social Capital. This article explains it pretty well https://www.hrmonline.com.au/section/strategic-hr/4-ways-to-build-your-social-capital-at-work/

It got me thinking about how limerence and social capital could collide in the workplace. I haven’t thought it through very much but it could be a killer MBA thesis.

Hello Mel,

I have read many people’s analysis of why they have limerence, and yours strikes me as very self-aware.

You have identified:
– you develop LEs when there is a big change in your life
– the attention from an attractive and intelligent person who others may be also like makes you feel special and important
– how your moods are tied to LO’s attention
– your feelings of jealousy and possessiveness and insecurity
– that you want to be wanted
– your intense interest in the partner of an LO, and how that might be a model of how you might want to be
– how this might be tied to your own feelings of inadequacy or lack of self-esteem

I just want to say thank you! I have read so many people’s experience here, but your insights feels very “pure” and stripped of rationalization (which a lot of us do here), and it illuminates for ME some of the things I have been feeling (but have been less aware of) and how it might tie in with my own self-concept and insecurities. This is useful.

Hi Mel,

Sorry to hear of the tough situation. I relate, my LO is a colleague that I have to work closely with.

Do you find yourself dissatisfied with just a friendship with this person? Are you fantasizing about a romantic relationship with him? He obviously values your friendship too, although he may be open to other close friendships if they develop. You may need to learn how to share him. The big question is can you have a friendship with this person and keep your emotions in control? You need to look at the relationship rationally and figure out what a normal work relationship with this person, a married man, should look like. If you cannot be comfortable within those boundaries then you may need to find a way to distance from this person. A slow withdrawal is a good method. Ultimately the limerence may not allow you to be a good true friend because your high and low emotions and desire for romance and exclusivity get in the way.

This site has a lot of good info so use the next few weeks to soak in information and maybe go light with your interactions with LO as you figure things out.