> I managed to find some online pictures of the LO tonight. I don’t mean to sound cruel, but I was actually struck by how old she looks. I remembered I had thought she was older than she is when I first met her, but I somehow downplayed that and built up how gorgeous she is in my mind. I still find her attractive, but it was oddly satisfying seeing those pictures of her tonight and realizing she isn’t as strikingly beautiful as I began to think of her as being.

You’re very lucky 🙂 About a year ago, which was eight years after my fully-blown LE, my former LO showed up with a video in my social media feed. She was still ridiculously beatiful by all means, took on a professional career in an adjacent field and limerence started to develop again…

I hardly know the LO, and I have basically been NC since I met her six weeks ago. I did friend her on social media for less than a day, but I ended up unfriending her (with a partial explanation after I realized my wife would be jealous – the LO took it rather well, although she did want me to tell her more information about exactly what I had told my wife about her). After kicking myself in many ways for losing access to her social media page, I managed to find some online pictures of the LO tonight. I don’t mean to sound cruel, but I was actually struck by how old she looks. I remembered I had thought she was older than she is when I first met her, but I somehow downplayed that and built up how gorgeous she is in my mind. I still find her attractive, but it was oddly satisfying seeing those pictures of her tonight and realizing she isn’t as strikingly beautiful as I began to think of her as being. I am even wondering if this is the beginning of the end of the true limerent stage for me and if I am able to downgrade my feelings (although my interest goes beyond physical attraction). I read on another site dedicated to limerence that reminding yourself of the LO’s flaws and perhaps even creating a non-flattering nickname for the LO can provide some help. I think it helped me, although I would still like to retain some positive feelings and memories of this woman while being able to focus on self-improvement and improving my marriage.

Thanks Zaggner, for your very kind words. And welcome!

Thank you!

Wow
This is so true. I have been living on high at work as colleague who is my LO gives me nice feedback and is someone who I hangout with.

Need to be happier without external forces and still feel the high.

Cos I have given a boost to her self esteem and helped her in her own personal development an attachment has been bourne. But in my head

Thanks for these wise words, straightforward but so true. Applicable to any kind of addiction, even if the neurochemistry is slightly different!

Is still think it’s apt. The ambiguity comes because in the early stages limerence is a normal healthy thing, and actually very effective at cementing a pair bond. If romantic feelings are not reciprocated, or prolonged by uncertainty, but the limerent keeps seeking a hit, that’s when it trips over into addiction.

Learning how to avoid that slide into the pit seems to be the key challenge for integrating limerence into your life, as far as I can see. That and figuring out the even harder challenge of digging yourself out if you are already in it.

On your quotes: to judge from some of the messages I get, there are plenty of limerents out there who are acting as selfishly as any other addict. There’s a debate to be had as to whether that’s an issue of limerence or an issue of character, but I think there is explanatory value in the “person addiction” perspective.

Is infatuation a word carrying less freight?

I don’t really know where I’m going with this but I’ve posted some quotes below to illustrate my point.

“Family members develop unhealthy coping mechanisms when faced with the chaos that is common in a home where a parent is addicted. A spouse and children of an addicted individual often have extra duties at home to compensate for the spouse or parent’s neglect of responsibilities. Reality is bent as family members endure frightening or unsettling experiences and as abnormal behaviors by the addicted family member become normalized. ”

“Additionally, the relationship itself is often lacking.”

“These issues cause a great deal of stress for the non-addicted spouse, and they lead to unhealthy habits, harmful ways of thinking and a low quality of life. It’s not surprising then that, according to the previously mentioned study, nearly half of these marriages end in divorce.”