I wish it was as easy as that. Others say it can be linked with OCD and addiction. You can’t easily be sober with a snap of a finger. Or even with OCD, it’s an anxiety disorder, you can’t easily choose to not engage with it.
When I’m in limerence, I tend to… idk how to explain it. But when I snap out of being in limerence, it’s like… “I can’t believe that was me.” it became a blur. Almost like being high or drunk.
Also, limerence can happen when you’re a child. It usually starts from childhood to adulthood and could last forever honestly. This is why we all need therapy. You can’t simply stop choosing limerence. It’s a mental health problem.

From beginning to end, about a decade.

But, it wasn’t all about LO #2. I didn’t go back 25 years, I went back 50 years. It wasn’t continuous. I’d address one facet and another would emerge. And, during that time, I encountered LO #4 and my marriage was not in a good place.

I eventually got to the point where I ran out of questions. Discovering limerence was the icing on the cake. Probably the biggest take aways I got from all this was.

1. Just because you don’t see something as traumatic doesn’t mean it wasn’t.

2. You need to grieve and mourn when appropriate. One of the first things the therapist said was I’d never mourned the loss of the relationship with LO #2. Until I did, the pain would never go away. I would never get to acceptance. She was right. I was long past Denial and Bargaining. I was kind of stuck in Depression. Once I understood a few things, I went on to Anger. Anger still pops up periodically but I’m well into Acceptance.

3. It’s ok to be angry with people who don’t treat you well, even your parents. Addressing that one can take you to all kinds of places.

Everybody’s different.

How long did that take?

I have also struggled with phone addiction, for what it’s worth. Maybe I’m just one of those people who needs something to be addicted to. XD

The main similarities would be the boost in energy, the good mood, the feeling of being able to take on the world. So yeah, pretty similar. The adderall is stronger, but leaves you all crashy at the end of the day. I guess you crash with limerence also, but not daily.

Did Adderall give you the same euphoria, Mary? Having never taken amphetamines myself, I’ve often wondered if the sensation is similar to limerence.

I am a recovering addict. I abused aderall for years. It’s amazing how similar the highs are to that of limerence. I would say it’s a more common crossover than we realize.

Also, I think boredom should be scrutinized a bit further.

I’m not an “addictive personality” either, but limerence went way beyond a habit for me. I have an addict in the family, and so limerence was actually really helpful for me to finally get why they couldn’t just stop doing the destructive behaviour.

I’d also agree with Sharnhorst: therapists can have blind spots and be freighted with their own baggage. I can understand not getting limerence (in that it’s not mainstream and not a formal trait/disorder in psychological circles), but to respond to a situation that has already disrupted your life, and could have lasting personal and professional repercussions with “go with the flow”, is… remarkable.

What you resist, persists, eh? Better not fight the urge to lie in bed watching films, eating pizza and drinking beer tomorrow then, instead of going to work. Otherwise that urge will only get worse!

My guess (so, obviously, pinch-of-salt) is that your therapist is a non-limerent with a non-judgmental attitude to infidelity. If that’s a good match for you, then no worries, but if what they are advising confuses you and feels wrong, it’s probably wise to try some other therapists out.

There’s a Harvard Business Review article from the 90s titled, “Successful Change Programs Begin With Results.” It’s a great article. The authors talk about a phenomenon called the “activity centered fallacy” in which companies confuse activity with results and believe if “…they do enough of the right things, good results will eventually materialize.”

Nowhere is the “activity centered fallacy” more evident than with therapy. Since a lot of people enter therapy to mitigate symptoms rather than address specific problems with identified outcomes, it’s not surprising therapy may be ineffective. Toss in that we confer expert status on therapists who may not have an actual clue as to what they’re dealing with and you can spend a lot of time spinning your wheels.

The better you can identify the problem and the result you want to achieve, the better position you’ll be in to drive your own bus. If the therapist you’re working with isn’t helping you achieve those results, go find one that does.

When I first saw a therapist to understand LO #2, she asked what I hoped to achieve in therapy. I told her I wanted to stop hurting and I wanted to remember her fondly. The therapist said those were reasonable and achievable goals. We started with the former and once that kicked in, the latter became moot. Once the pain went away, what I think of her doesn’t matter, anymore.