There was a song I heard recently on a Eurovision tribute night called “I’m in love with a fairytale”!
That just about sums up life as a limerent!!

Love it.. so true xx

Spot on. I know there’s a lot of NC advice, but my experience with two LOs is … the reality cancels out the fantasy. So, after over 2 decades of NC, my (granted very low limerence by that time) for L02 was totally extinguished when we got in to contact over social media “in real life” and I really did not like how his life turned out (and I was SO glad I did not throw my lot in with him). And right now with LO3 – each time we actually spend time together, I am struck by how we are not QUITE as simpatico as in my reveries, he is not quite as perfectly gorgeous as in my fantasies, he does not behave in exactly the way he does in my fantasies … and I realize he never will because the LO in my head is a different person from the real flesh and blood person in front of me. I don’t know – did anyone else have a similar experience? This is, of course, after the initial euphoric stage where it was impossible for me to even think straight. The analytical part of my mind only managed (barely) to kick in after that (thankfully!) subsided.

Awesome post Scharnhorst. I really appreciate the thoughtful reply. And of course you’re right, I need to get out of the quicksand, out of the forest and gain some much-needed altitude. I will double down on my action plan, attainable goals in conducting a staged withdrawal to limited contact. I have one more week of LO out of the office. When she returns, I aim to have come far enough that I won’t fall to pieces. If nothing else, I will have temporarily decamped to another desk out of sight, lunches booked with old friends every day of the week and a ton of work piled up that I’m now not doing as I’m spending my days on this blog or doing Dr L’s emergency deprogramming course. 🙂

Fred,

You’re getting ahead of yourself.

Scharnhorst’s Law of the Swamp: When your up to your neck in quicksand, how you got there, how not to do it again, and how you’ll remember the experience only matter if you make it out alive.

I think of LEs as being lost in a forest (or a minefield depending on the context). All you see are trees and you spend a lot of effort dodging them. If you can escape the forest (some form of LC/NC) and gain distance or altitude, you can gain perspective. Actually, I prefer to see it as flying over the forest at a height where I see a forest, not trees. I’m above it all.

Have you ever read “The Hobbit?” Bilbo and the Dwarves are lost in Mirkwood. Bilbo climbs a tree only to find nothing but more forest on all sides. Tolkien explains that they were in a valley and in reality very close to the edge of the forest. But, Bilbo couldn’t see that.

With LO #2, I have 5 years of actual memories; some good, some not so good. With LO #4, all I have are memories of the emails I deleted and looking at my presence on her site that leave a lot of “what ifs?” “What ifs” aren’t bad if you keep them in perspective. If you’re limerent, you have a problem keeping those in perspective. Lately, when I think about them, my thoughts aren’t about reengaging them. My thoughts are how I could have said a better goodbye. It’s one of those hooks that keeps your head in the game and it’s completely independent of your LO.

First things first. Gain the distance and see what happens when you have some perspective. My bet is your thinking will change.

“my reveries are usually about our wonderful moments of physical reciprocation, her eyes shining and pupils dilated, kissing me passionately.” Please stop Fred this is torture ;-)!!! How I envy you for at least having real memories, not fantasies only! But probably those are harder to reprogram. It’s so sad to reprogram them! I agree with you, I wish you could keep the good memories without them being obsessive. If only we could control our brains to this level of precision.

The tool I’m talking about is writing events as they happened related to the LO, specially those moments when she/he didn’t behave as ideally as we thought it would, maybe even hurting us in the proccess. This way we can always go back to our list of documented bad behaviours of our LO and thus have a readily available source of reality to wake us up from our limerent dreams, which could potentially free us from craving a unhealth relationship or at least increase our self awareness that, if we really want to consumate the relationship, its real version is actually what we have (hopefully) documented in our LO negative side list, and not what our limerent brain is trying to fool us in believing it as the wonderland relationship.

Oh my, Irene – that does cut to the heart of the matter and gut you like a fish, doesn’t it? On the one hand, I’m sorry you burst into tears. On the other, epiphanies aren’t always pleasant.

Hugs.

Stella,

This morning I had LO intrude into my head while making breakfast. It’s very vivid and intimate, but a third person appears into my reveries. My husband suddenly appears in my fantasy world with LO and quietly asked,”Where do I fit in all this? What about my feelings? What about our children? We love you. Is all this fair to us?” I bursted into tears in real life.

That’s a good way to stop the seduction of Limerence reveries.