One day I held the door for her, and she gave me the nastiest look of, “This idiot thinks he can flirt with me by holding the door for me.” I am very empathetic, and in the process I felt like she had “stolen” something from me, like it was a part of me she had kept for herself. When she realized I had seen her, her eyes shot wide and she nervously said “thank you” for holding the door.

At first I thought this nasty little incident was the perfect thing to shock me back to reality and end my LE. She obviously thought I was a creep, right? But I knew I never did anything wrong. I always kept my distance.

After a while I realized that if she were as introverted as me, then maybe she, too, were prone to flights of fantasy about other people? I was obviously in her mind in some way for her to have done that. I am an attractive, smart, older man with a sense of humor… maybe she was fantasizing that I was pursuing her romantically and she was playing hard to get?

If we’re both introverted and I’m fantasizing about her… maybe she’s fantasizing about me? But maybe that’s just my limerence speaking.

So that’s how I got here. I googled something like, “introverted women fantasize about men they are interested in.” I found the word “limerence,” and it described me perfectly. This website popped up soon afterwards. It’s nice to see other people talking about this.

By the way, this blog could really use a community forum. Following things on comment threads is a little hard.

““Nobody’s ever made me feel like this before,” can be literally true after an introvert meets an LO for the first time.”

Though after a 6 month PA and almost 3 years of close friendship, I still feel the same “energy” with/from her. She is actually my only offline friend. I avoid all offline contact with other people like the plague. I like people and wish I could be comfortable being around other people….but I’m an introvert. Looking at online pictures from events I avoided seem like so much fun, but the few I did attend were social torture to get through.

I’m in day 4 of my initiated NC with LO, cited in the post about The Benefits of NC.
While my SO was never a LO, I am trying to transfer some of my LO traits to her. I definitely do not want another emotional roller coaster LE ride outside my marriage. As DrL mentioned, being introverted limits the chances to meet the few people who can make you feel energized, instead of drained. This is one reason my SO would never suspect my having a PA or even an actual offline friend…especially a woman.

Rumination also comes naturally/easily to those who are prone to or experience depression. So it may be something of a “chicken or egg” question. Those deep grooves that rumination lead to are also the deep grooves in which depression, limerence and presumably both, can flourish.

The same is true of fungal or bacterial infections, of course. Ask your dentist about deep grooves and cavities.

Only you know your SO, and how he would react. Anything that is said cannot be un-said. It is so difficult to predict how one’s SO will internalize any comment about LO. I like the social compromise idea a lot.

Well I hope he comes around to understanding your point, enjoys the show and you have an evening to do something fun too. Something that is all about IRENE!

No, my husband is not being unkind in requesting my attendance at this very trivial event. I think you all have hit it on the nail that he wants validation. That LO is not important and should not dictate our actions. I will have to make it clear to my husband that LO is not the competition. It’s my Limerence and over active imagination.
It’s been a year and a half since LO and I stopped interacting with each other. In one entire year, I’ve spoken to LO for 10 minutes. I’m a completely different person since I learned the term Limerence this year. I’m sure LO has changed too. It’s not about my husband or LO anymore. The root of the problem truly is Limerence.
My husband wants physical validation and reassurance. I want to be faithful in heart, mind and soul. I can only accomplish it away from things that triggers the Limerence. Such as LO…
I’m convinced that if it wasn’t this particular LO, it would be someone else. I’m just a very reluctant Limerent. I’m very judicious in my actions now that I recognized it.
I’m not going to attend. It makes me nauseous just thinking of being in the same room as LO. I’ve associated LO with pain and suffering.
RSVP for only one this year.
Thank you everyone!

“…without them thinking that it must mean LO has a stronger emotional hold over you than your spouse does.”

Speaking as the non-limerent spouse, that doesn’t ring true and truth is imperative. Well, it is for me at any rate (see: not lying to cover for spouse’s absences). YMMV. Clearly he has a huge emotional hold over you at this time. Maybe you can truthfully tell your husband that you don’t like this weird Svengali-like fascination or effect LO has on you and you love Mr. I., so you don’t want to invite more of these harmful flights of fancy by seeing LO. At all. I doubt you’re casting yourself into the role Trilby, but you are talking about a musical and all.

Any chance of borrowing a pair of glasses that basically make it impossible for you to make him out if you decide you do need to be there physically? Hopefully once you’re seated it will be somewhere you can’t see him anyway, so you can watch the play. Or is he just enough of a “jerk” (I had another word in mind) to literally come over and “mess” with your mind? Or is your husband unkind enough to do that to you in some sort of power play?