Oh no Lee-Anne sorry for your set back. It’s hard I know. I’ll be honest I am feeling so much better. I’ve seen LO a few times and I just turn my mind evil about him. I mock everything he says (in my mind) and I’m really looking for negatives. The past 2 weeks I think I have been in a state of shock but I accept that it’s over.. and to be honest it never was. Like others have said on here, keep telling yourself his faults and correct your mind saying he isn’t for me. Eventually your subconscious catches up. I can not say I’m over it but I walked past LO house today and I was so preoccupied with what I was doing that I didn’t even check to see if his car was there. It was only until I passed quite a few steps I realised. Have you tired meditation? If not I really recommend head space. I’m now at a point where I catch my limerent thoughts and don’t fixate on them. I just gently let go. I know I’m not out of the woods but I feel so much better and limerence is not appealing to me as much as more. You can definitely do this if you control your mind with hyper vigilance. You have to really put your mind to it. I tell my self ‘LO is a bloody idiot and you know it’ like my mind talking to my limerence. Also feel the pain and don’t dismiss it. Crying is part of healing. Stag strong

Spoke too soon, was looking at FB pics in my newsfeed from a good friend this afternoon when my heart literally stopped beating for a full 10 seconds. My LO was clearly in the background of some of these photos, this after being sooooooo good and not stalking and checking his pics on FB. So the rest of the afternoon was spent either crying or berating myself for having such a strong reaction seeing those pics.
The cherry on top for the day, seeing his car turn in behind mine after school pick ups.
Here we go again 😩

Vicarious Limerent – I am really sorry to hear that.
“”Mostly I am just scared to try”” , same, I told my SO I didn’t want to initiate anything because after being knocked back a few times by him I didn’t want him to feel pressure to perform. He in turn has undergone several tests etc but it seems it’s also in his head. He too is scared to try, so we are kinda at a stalemate. But something has to give, we can’t both not try, hoping that the other will initiate first, and I am not willing to go without intimacy for the rest of my life.

B – I know what you mean, but I meant if I was able to redirect my libido towards my SO I’d be occupied and bond with my SO meaning I’d have less time or inclination to moon over LO. My whole LE started because of lack of intimacy in my marriage, not the other way around. I was seeking validation that I was still attractive and interesting and since I wasn’t getting that from SO I unfortunately found it in LO. But yes, limerence benefits definitely does not outweigh the cost, completely agree with you there.

Sarah – small victory for me this week, I managed to deliberately stay away from LO. Didn’t seek him out, not even once. Yay me!

@ Lee-Anne: I haven’t been intimate with my SO for years. There are some complex factors at play here including some previous medical and psychological issues, incompatible schedules and fear due to previous fights and unkind words about inability to perform. Mostly I am just scared to try, but we will need to try again very soon. By now, I know my issues are all in my mind.

@Lee-Anne,
“I dare say half my Limerent issues would be solved in a jiffy if SO was just more active in bed.”

Not so fast. I can tell you from experience, although I too have had a major boost in libido through this LE, my SO has sort of always been more into sex than I was, so naturally, our sex life is better now than when we were newlyweds in our 20s. I am more attracted to SO than ever before. It is fantastic. But the LE still burns bright. It is an added benefit, but as someone else posted recently, the benefits do NOT outweigh the costs when it comes to limerence.

@B,

If you’re lucky, nothing bad will happen in her life to alter the landscape. If it does, you could be screwed. Probably the worst thing that could happen to you is her SO starts cheating on her and she looks for shoulder to cry on.

If she starts confiding in you, consider it an ill-omen.

B – “”I hate myself for saying this, but I would. I know I would. I know it’s wrong.””

To be honest, so would I “B” and many others if they got the chance. I would never initiate but hells-bells if my LO made a pass today I wouldn’t knock him back, perhaps I’ll feel differently in the future but for now that’s my answer. I am lucky though as my LO clearly has strong values and isn’t Limerent, I know he’s attracted but thankfully he has more self control than I do. For that I am grateful.
That post that Scharnhorst posted was interesting, one thing that struck me that Dr L said was that all that pent up energy has to go somewhere and if you don’t direct it towards something purposeful it will explode. Ain’t that the truth! I have a super charged libido with excessive energy, just not a receptive SO. I dare say half my Limerent issues would be solved in a jiffy if SO was just more active in bed 🙁
On the flip side I’ve never been or looked this fit in my entire life!
Out of interest, Vicarious Limerent, why is your SO not benefiting from your libido? Is she not interested?

Yeah, B, I agree with the others, you are in the fog trying to hold on to something that is not good for you. It is still manageable for you now. As soon as she pulls away slightly, it will get worse and the real suffering will begin. I think you are mentally not ready to let go yet. It will get worse, and eventually you’ll get there. I just hope that she will keep her word to not let an EA or PA happen, and that eventually you get out of this. Getting into an EA is a slippery slope btw. So watch out.

@B,
One day when you are free from limerence (it happens eventually, I promise) you will you be ever so glad no EA or PA happened and you will begin to wonder about this person who deliberately puts herself in your path although as you say she is definitely not limerent. Why would she torture someone? Why would she incite disloyalty to a SO and children (who you love very much!). There is lack of character and some inherent selfishness in the equation and I know it’s very hard to see or accept when one is under the incredibly powerful spell of limerence.
I am just beginning to even allow myself to face the awful truth about my LO who I truly loved, and respected and admired in every way. He was so heroic to me! But as I heal my brain is slowly allowing me to see the reality of things and be glad with all my heart that things never got physical. The reality is slightly nauseating. LO’s can wreak havoc on ones self esteem and it can take a long time to recover from it…so, as Scharnhorst says the best way to get over an addiction is abstinence, only then can you really heal and really see the terrible rewriting of history and mangling of reality that limerence does to us. The sooner the better!

@Scharnhorst,
Regarding the “actively managing it” bit, yes I’ve done all of that and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.
There is no chance of an EA or PA because we both acknowledged when I disclosed that it was the wrong thing to do. Her words: “so we have a mutual secret crush, but we’re not going to ruin our lives over it.” I was convinced at one time she was limerent too. At the time I disclosed, I thought her possible reactions were: (1) acknowledge a crush but that it couldn’t go further (exactly what she did), (2) for her to say she wanted a PA, or (3) absolutely reject me and report me for being a creep. I knew (3) was very unlikely and (1) and (2) were roughly even chances.

After disclosure, I continued to struggle and told her several times, and it became clear to me she was not limerent. It was just a crush for her and nothing more. So although we both decided “not to act,” it was clear (to me anyway) that I was more willing to act than she was. And in the time that followed that, she continued to put herself around me just like she did before I disclosed. I have related this on here on some other posts. Her behavior around me didn’t change. I told myself: “if she was creeped out by me or my disclosure or my constant struggle with thoughts of her, why is she continuing to seek out my company?” We work together by the way. And our positions are totally different. There is no actual need for her to interact with me at all really. If she really wanted to keep it professional, she certainly didn’t do that. It has slowly gotten more familiar.

And as for your question about how I would react to a “let’s do this” conversation, I hate myself for saying this, but I would. I know I would. I know it’s wrong. I love my SO and children so much and I know the consequences. But I would. I am simply too weak, and I hate myself every day for it. That’s messed up I know.
Thanks for the link to the other post. I read it and it makes perfect sense, as do most of the posts on this blog. Thank you Dr. L and others.