She also still only calls him a friend even though have sext, went to a hotel over the weekend and call each other soulmates and your mine and only mine. But they are just friends and she needs time to be alone and figure her self out. But when she comes home she is all friendly with me. And acts like she did not just call off our engage ment just 2 weeks ago. She was like this the day she called it off.

Hello friends.
My OH of 26 years and 3 kids has Limerence he is hard to talk to and puts up defence walls and any mention of anything and he is about to rage until he leaves because it’s that severe for him. He spends his time throwing himself at YouTube and Netflix and doesn’t want to partake in family events. Where do I begin. It’s so difficult for me I don’t know how I am still sane.

Thank you Dr. L, Lee & Scharnhorst for your thoughtful replies.

Hi Devil,

Lee’s delivered a splash of cold water, I’ll hand you a (small) towel…

He could be bargaining with himself, because he’s conflicted about wanting to stay with you, but also wanting to still get a hit of LO energy. He could be wanting to keep his options open, but not getting the hint from LO that she’ll have him. He could be in denial, and kidding himself that he’s capable of just being friends with LO. He’s not necessarily an entitled cake-eater. But, whatever the explanation, he is being selfish (and careless about your feelings).

To most people in most marriages, commitment means not having special friends that you are addicted to. It’s reasonable for you to set that boundary. If he isn’t willing to even entertain the idea, or properly listen to you about why this is an unreasonable request for you, then he is not as focused on your life as he claims (and should be).

As I say in the post – the safest plan for your wellbeing and for your future is to spend time analysing your goals and what your idea of a good marriage is. When I say you should ask “who am I and what do I want?” that should be a positive view – e.g. “I want a partner who I trust and respect, and who is committed to me over all others”.

When presented with an assertion like “I want a special friendship”, you should view it as “is this compatible with me trusting and respecting my partner and feeling loved?” not “can I swallow this and keep going?”

So, you can probably tell that I agree with Lee for the most part. Whether you need lawyers and STD checks is another question (and you would know the circumstances best), but whether you can trust and respect a partner who is making a selfish demand is the key issue. He needs to wake up to the fact that this is not all about him, and that your concerns about his unrealistic friendship plans are completely legitimate.

Take heart. Hold your ground. Make purposeful choices.

Best wishes!

“…then he told me he intends of maintaining a kind of special friendship with her”

Well, isn’t that a nice pronouncement. Are you supposed to duel LO for him? I would pass. Let SO go. If LO wants him, LO can have him.

That special friendship is him sidelining and relegating you to second place. If you find that unacceptable, there is really only one thing to do. Why does he get “special friendships” AND a reliable partner? What’s so great about him?

“He’s focused on our life, I know that.”

No, he’s focused on getting everything he wants without sacrificing any part of it that he find useful or comfortable. Breaking up/divorce is NOT comfortable. It’s hard, even when amicable. He’s expecting you not to find out what your rights are in the event of a divorce (I’m presuming you are married) and that you’ll let him steamroll you, take everything he wants and you will be grateful for any crumbs he tosses your way.

It sounds as though he’s not courageous enough to end the relationship with you directly, so he’s making it so miserable for you in order that you will be forced to do the dirty work and end it. He doesn’t want to face consequences – he wants it all. Reliable, honest, true (you) AND sparkles the fantasy(LO). Gosh. Who is your reliable, honest true partner? I would say you see that person in the mirror every morning.

Get tested for STD’s and if you have a financial life together – check out every detail of it. Marital or mingled money spent wooing another, or stolen, is marital money that a good attorney can recover. Well, where I live anyway.

This sucks. If he doesn’t love you – that hurts. But what hurts worse is that he doesn’t appear to respect you. Otherwise he would honorably move out instead of keeping you around as some sort of backup plan.

Advice?

How badly do you want to resolve this one way or the other and how much risk are you willing to take to find out?

Have you asked him directly what this “special friendship” entails? Is he the one he’s going to text or see when you two aren’t getting along? Will you be sharing him, if not physically, at least emotionally on weekends and holidays? Will he be the one she calls if she needs help?

The caveat to those is you should never ask questions you don’t want to hear the answers to.

If he answers them honestly, what will you do?

” I’m just not sure I can ever respect him again?? How to work on that?”

Shouldn’t that be his mission in life? To regain your trust and earn your respect?