Dr L helped me see the point of view of SO, otherwise I would not have understood the reaction I was getting.

I had to read this in college. I don’t remember anything else about the story (or anything else I read by James Joyce) but I remember this section.

It feels a little better.

DrL said, “LO now knows something fundamentally important about you that your SO doesn’t. How happy would you be with that asymmetry if you discovered it about yourself?” https://livingwithlimerence.com/2018/05/12/when-not-to-disclose/

The field is level now.

Wow this very admirable after all this time. Must be a little weight off your chest. No more dark secrets.

At the moment, nobody in the family is happy. It’s beyond the scope of this discussion. There are 4 of us in the family, 3 of us are seeing therapists and the last one is on an anti-depressant. During one of the conversations, my wife asked if I’d be happier with someone else. I told her I didn’t think so but I don’t like things the way they are and I feel like I’m beating my head against the wall.

That conversation came up with the therapist yesterday and I disclosed the EA to her. My wife asked how the session went and I told her what we’d talked about. My wife said she’d bring it up with the therapist she’s seeing. If we come to a meeting of the minds, we’ll work on something together.

One thing led to another.

Wow – why do you think you chose to disclose after all this time?

In the course of the discussion, I told my wife I’d had an EA with LO #4. My wife was unfamiliar with the term. She didn’t seem to have a whole lot of problem with it. I explained that I’d gotten in deeper when LO #4 reached out to me after her relationship collapsed. I explained that I think if my wife had seen the exchanges, she would have questioned why LO #4 was crying on my shoulder and why I was letting her. What she had a problem with was if LO #4 had been available, would I have gone on to a PA? My response to that was that if I could recognize a threat 2500 miles away, I’d like to think I’d recognize a threat sitting across the table from me but you don’t rely on safety features, you stay away from tripping them. She asked some questions about LO #4 and came back later. My wife said that she was a redhead and said she sounded like a hot mess. I told her she was at the time. My wife said, “A messed up redhead…I can see how that would appeal to you. You tried to fix her.” I said, “Pretty much. ‘There’s nothing so alluring as a damaged soul you’re sure you can fix. (DrL).'” My wife laughed at that. I told her about the dream I had about LO #4 where I almost drove my car off the cliff.

She asked when I’d last corresponded with LO #4. I told her I’d gotten the shotgun email, which my wife remembered. I told her I sent LO #4 an email wishing her a Happy Anniversary for her business. My was a little upset I did that. I deflected it by citing the email and the fact I was still dealing with the diagnosis I’d received and the uncertainty of the treatment plan. My head was all over the place.

The conversation spilled over into LO #2. The fact I was still keeping tabs on her really bothered my wife. My reiterated she never wants me to contact LO #2 and called her by name, which is something my wife never did. She said she’d prefer I don’t do that, either, but she said she said LO #2 had been a real part of my life and that may not be achievable. My wife was more pissed that I knew LO #2 had recently gotten remarried as that was something I had to dive a little deeper to find.

So, the minefield has been swept and that feels pretty good. Now, I wonder what the unintended consequence will be.

I love this movie!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QlNXJ4pAoZc

Or worse, because s/he also believes this is the real deal & wants to let Chump know that the magical relationship expiration date has occurred and it’s time for Chump to exit. This tends to happen more often when the Limerent is waffling but LO has bought into the dream.

LO #4 could be snarky, sarcastic, and I got to know her well enough to think she held grudges. After I decided to disengage, it was a conscious decision to do it in such a way so as to not make her angry. I have no idea if she ever went after her ex but it wouldn’t surprise me if she had. I didn’t want to give her any excuse to make trouble.