“You may say and truly believe otherwise, but if you’re pining, or writing responses to someone else, then you are not truly present and engaged in your primary relationships. Whether it’s with your SO/spouse, or your kid, or your job. Whatever it may be, you’re marking time until you see your SO, or they reply to your email, or you speak to them again.”

This is so true. I am/was guilty as charged of all of the above. I could absolutely feel this happening at the time. Many things were very close to being destroyed; I guess they still could be. I tried to handle everything as I did not want to (or internally felt I could not) break the attachment to LO.

This was my first case of limerence; I had never heard the term before. No excuse. But I do understand myself a lot better, and have done a lot of soul work. I am still in midst of a transition to NC with LO. I have stopped myself from responding to a few emails that I would have previously. Circumstances will have me around the LO a few times over the next few weeks. I am still figuring out how to navigate this.

I think most of the people who discuss their feelings of limerence on this site are wrestling, not wallowing. I apologize for my tone being a bit sharp. The person I want to address isn’t interested in listening or learning. I’ll try to be more mindful of my audience.

That’s what I’m hoping for. There are forums out there for people who want to just ruminate out loud about their LOs (they’re really boring) – here I try to be more constructive and focus on what limerence is and how we can understand ourselves better as limerents.

I don’t think there is any reason to think that SK has betrayed their LO, so yes, let’s focus on what can be done to help them navigate their way through their quandary.

I’m thinking about baking a mango key lime pie later today.

“People who are truly remorseful and not simply trying to avoid consequences behave remorsefully. They are humble. They look to change their behavior and their responses. They apologize. They are understanding. They don’t put time limits on your anger or grieving. They realize that you are in charge and it doesn’t matter what they need; it matters what you need. They own their actions instead of putting them off onto you. They tell you what you want to know; they don’t make you beg for answers. They don’t keep secrets. They realize “trickle truth” isn’t any kind of truth at all; it’s lying by omission and trying to keep control over the narrative. They don’t try to keep you off-balance. They support you. They have your back. They realize they are not owed forgiveness or reconciliation. They focus on you; they put whatever injustices they feel they have experienced that led them to someone else, on the back burner and concentrate on your feelings of betrayal. They keep the focus on what they have done; they don’t hand out false equivalencies or attempt to point out all your faults.”

Humility. That seems to be the big dividing line between those who are trying to wrestle with limerence and its effects on the individual and their intimates and those who are using it for their own purposes, or wallowing in it.

I think most of the people who discuss their feelings of limerence on this site are wrestling, not wallowing. I apologize for my tone being a bit sharp. The person I want to address isn’t interested in listening or learning. I’ll try to be more mindful of my audience.

I think limerents sometimes forget that when they’re distracted by someone else, they’re neglecting other relationships and duties. Life isn’t always a lot of fun. Dishes don’t wash themselves. Bills don’t get paid all on their own. Paychecks only show up when you do your job, etc.

You may say and truly believe otherwise, but if you’re pining, or writing responses to someone else, then you are not truly present and engaged in your primary relationships. Whether it’s with your SO/spouse, or your kid, or your job. Whatever it may be, you’re marking time until you see your SO, or they reply to your email, or you speak to them again.

If you’re going to half-ass it, be honest and clear out. Don’t offer false hope. Don’t permit anyone for whom you have any respect to start to engage in the “pick me!” dance. Take the risk that when your head clears you may or may not have either SO or your LO but you will have yourself.

I am angry. I have no issue stating that. I was sick, fighting for my life, and doing everything short of twirling tassels from my **** (when I had them) while doing the limbo under a flaming pole. If my STBX had only packed up and cleared out so I could mourn and then focus entirely on MY fight and MY survival rather than trying to do that AND be a supportive loving spouse, well, it would have been better for me. His public image would have been shattered. Waiting until later minimized the fallout for him. Plus that nice warm bed with a lithe younger woman. Meanwhile, he was also taking bigger risks by introducing a third party to our marriage without telling me, or taking adult precautions. Thanks, honey.

Admittedly he says it’s limerence. I have no idea. Nor do I particularly care. He can call it whatever he likes and feel that he got a good deal out of dumping the old gray mare. Mostly, I feel better knowing I’m shot of him.

When it mattered, his character was revealed.

I’m a big fan of laying it out on the line. It may not have saved our marriage, but he might have retained a shred of integrity. I wouldn’t be wandering around stitching my dignity back together like a quilt. I’ll succeed, but it will take some time.

This is what consequences can look like from this side when someone doesn’t behave honourably.

Perhaps SK is mistaking the lack of limerence as a lack of love. Or maybe SK doesn’t love their current SO. Seems as though more than one conversation may be needed between SK and non-LO SO.

I think this is the heart of the problem. For people who feel that limerence is a mania that consumes them, it can be really difficult to understand what “healthy” love is like – should it follow on from limerence, or is it completely independent?

For all that I’ve read, I think the only straightforward answer is that different limerents have reached different conclusions. If you become limerent for dysfunctional people then affectional bonding with a loving SO can seem very confusing. I agree it seems a bit loveless to try and “decide” whether a relationship is good, but for some people that’s their best hope of breaking a cycle of disordered bonding.

As to your last point: chumps are very welcome here. I think that the perspective of SOs who have had to deal with the fallout of limerents behaving selfishly, is a powerful voice for conflicted limerents to hear. So, thanks.

“I care very deeply about my current SO, and I feel that our relationship is one that could potentially offer a lifetime of mutual care and support.”

The writer hasn’t stated that they love their current SO. For that reason alone I hope they discuss this in depth with their SO. It sounds so patronizing. Maybe SO wants more than to be regarded as a potential lifetime companion with some pity sex on the side.

Perhaps SK is mistaking the lack of limerence as a lack of love. Or maybe SK doesn’t love their current SO. Seems as though more than one conversation may be needed between SK and non-LO SO.

Admittedly this is seen through my shit-smeared glasses as my husband dropped quite a bombshell on me while in the midst of being treated for cancer and dubbed it limerence. It may be limerence, but it also means that I’m a chump and I got played for a fool. When the going got hard – he left. But first! He made certain to have a nice warm bed and sexy younger companion too. In the end, I’m the winner but it’s rough going at the moment.

SK – I hope you lay it out for your SO. When given all the information, SO may exercise free agency and your dilemma may be moot. You both deserve to have someone who loves you for who you are.

If any of them = 0, there is no risk. Identifying potential LOs is good but there is little you can practically do to eliminate threat. They are who they are. Usually, the best you can do is avoid them.

There may not be much you can do to mitigate consequences. To quote Darth Vader, “The Emperor is not so forgiving as I am.”

It’s failure to identify and correct your vulnerabilities that puts you future risk. It’s the only risk factor we control.

I am now coming out of an LO obsession and have vowed never, ever to repeat this as it has nearly destroyed me. This has been my most intense one ever and having just recently found out my LO has found a partner it has caused me lots of misery etc. this has caused me to re evaluate everything in my life and also caused me to identify exactly what my problem is.

So, as my current LO fades slowly from my brain ( and it is very slowly) I aim to never get into this state again after what I have learnt on here!

So yes, even if One gets involved with their LO in a relationship it would be very easy to go down the path again if you have not identified the problem that is Limerance

P.S, still very happily married!