Yes, I would like to know if the Limerent in Aggrieved LOs situation, was even aware what they were doing. If they were naive like myself, they may not even know how much they actually pissed off LO.

Cordelia,

There are often times, especially this much time past since she left, that I think she did indeed leave partly for my own sake. We did get along well socially and professionally long before the limerence. Which makes me feel some guilt for putting her in that position. While I do know indeed (from conformation from other co-workers) that it was mostly she was unhappy there and that her new job was a better schedule for her to care for her daughters and make sure they got to school. Her leaving might very well have saved me from myself.

She was very quiet and reserved on her last day when I was there. Not the usual fun and outgoing person she normally is. I did notice that.

Very true, Adam. And I’ve said this before, she couldn’t complain because technically you didn’t cross a line. It wouldn’t officially be called harassment even if it bothered her and you had plausible deniability. So there’s no way out for either of you other than one of you to leave. Especially if the LO DOES like the person (romantically or not). But LO knows those emotions from the Limerent will lead to trouble.

In the case of Aggrieved I just wonder if the limerent actually crossed a line. Their comment was misdirected and we should all realize blanket comments are made when we’re hurt and reactive. nobody here should be taking it on emotionally. I think you take on enough guilt for the whole LWL site, Adam 🥺

If Morgan was ever uncomfortable with the attention she got from me she never made it known. She smiled and was always friendly even if in her head she was thinking “oh god not the old man again”. We may use the term “limerent object” but they aren’t objects. They are people with emotions, fears, goals, friends, family; lives of their own to live. And here comes some lonely limerent old man trying insert more than a co-worker role into her life.

And so in a professional setting she literally grinned and bared it. I know because I asked my supervisor sometime after she left, being that everyone in the office knew I had “a crush” on her if she had ever reported to him any behavior of mine that made her uncomfortable or was crossing the line for her. And she said no. In fact he said when she told him she was giving her two two week notice he said she went “I don’t look forward to telling Adam”. To which our supervisor said “no one else but you can do tell him.”

What we do as limerents effects our limerent objects. They are humans with feelings. If Morgan didn’t understand the strong but confusing feelings she was getting from me, than leaving the job and telling me wouldn’t have been an ordeal to her. She would have know I would have been happy for her moving on to a better place in life for herself.

So no it doesn’t surprise me to find a comment from an Aggrevated LO that is frustrated and angry. Limerence is a two sided coin. And many times in our limerent bliss we forget that the limerent object is affected by it too.

You’re reading too much into this. Someone made a snarky comment; I made one back. Sometimes, it’s kind of fun. 🙂

@Marcia
The point of game theory is to find the best outcome. For you. I, personally, don’t mind a discussion with someone I disagree with. As long as it’s respectful. I feel like crap when I react to someone. Ultimately I know that if I can retain my composure, the outcome is better for ME. Chaos can be contagious, but so can calm.

Recently a family member accused me of something entirely untrue. It hurt. I was triggered. I put in a boundary to protect myself. I have told this family member before that the only way she can have access to me is if she is honest and respectful. Why waste my energy and argue with someone who’s full of sh*t? It’s not in my own best interest. So I ignored her and walked away. I’m just wondering what is ultimately the best response for you and your peace. Maybe you enjoy a good bun fight 😅 (That visual always cracks me up. I imagine people literally hurling cream-filled buns at each other. Probably quite therapeutic TBH 🤷‍♀️)

Call Me Cordeila,
“In which case, any angry response is just feeding it, right?”
It’s not an angry response. It’s meeting them at their level.

Perhaps I can put this in a better way. I think almost all of us get reactive and lash out when we’re upset. What if Aggrieved had a moment of misdirected anger? I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t ever done that myself! I like what Brene Brown says in The Call to Courage about playing the tape to the end. If everyone gets angry, the crappy feelings are just perpetuated (for all parties). Like when my kid comes home from school and lashes out at me because some kids were mean to her. I didn’t do anything but I have a choice – join the chaos or help her work through it. Sometimes when I’m low I’ll join the chaos. Damn right I do. I’m far from perfect! But when I’m on top of my game I can hold space for her. Enough for her to feel safe enough to say what she’s really feeling rather than kick out at me. Because I KNOW her anger has nothing to do with me just as Aggrieved’s anger has nothing to do with us.

So, I’m asking you, what would it look like at the end of the tape if you let one go by and got curious instead?

As fascinated as I am with game theory I also have to add the other potential player in the game. The common garden variety troll. In which case, any angry response is just feeding it, right?

Snowphoenix,
“My lash-out was not due to my personal hurt (I’m so much, better, almost LE pain free), but Aggrieved LO’s blanket statement.”
Exactly. If Aggreived had really wanted to be heard instead of just being snarky, his/her tone would have been much different.

My lash-out was not due to my personal hurt (I’m so much, better, almost LE pain free), but Aggrieved LO’s blanket statement.

One LO’s experiences can not represent all of LOs. One SHOULD always speak or complain based only on one’s OWN experiences!

The generalizing term such as “they”, “these people”, “y’all” should be avoided in any public space when only describing some specific phenomenon. Not ALL of limerents have bothered, stalked, or harassed our LOs, why should we ALL feel “shame”?

True, Aggrieved LO did not aim at any individual here, but at us ALL! She or he is free to complain or lash out at her or his limerents or that type, not ALL of us; most of us have suffered or are suffering a great deal. Such indiscriminate blanket statement is adding salt to their wounds.