My wife was hit on at work by a coworker who knew full well she is married. It didn’t take but a couple hours for her to tell me all about it.

Use whatever tactic you need to keep an edge. I have thought of my LO sitting back and having a laugh with her SO at my expense. I also think of LO having her own LO and her pursuing him.

Kay

LO was single when I met her first. Recently divorced from a cheating ex. Within a year of knowing her she started seeing another man. While everyone else in the office knew him by name she managed to keep him from me. Whether knowing I was giving her special treatment and she was afraid of a jealous confrontation on my part or she just had the grace to “let me down easy” I dunno. But what was clear was she didn’t want us to meet unlike every other person in the office. She never treated me any differently from day to day work after seeing him but it was clear that she wanted to keep her romantic life separate from her life in the office where I was concerned.

Could one way of adding a punishment (negative association) to the reverie be imagining the LO’s partner finding out, confronting me etc? I would like to add a negative association but not shame myself in the process.

Hi Confused,

Read the LwL blog: “Coffee house: beating limerence when No Contact is impossible. “

I think is in this month blog list.

The Dr. knows his stuff…

Best wishes.

What if NC is not an option? Ie, same workplace. How would that work to rid limerance?

Ask yourself this question; why are you working harder on his problem than he is? You’re clearly the driver for having him face & deal w/ his limerant behavior, not him. This is a major red flag & shows how codependent in the relationship you are. You feel bad & want to help your husband, but he doesn’t seem to want to take full responsibility or action to change anything. Please realize you are not responsible for being the leader in solving this problem, & if you continue to do so, it’s highly likely that nothing will change since there really aren’t any negative consequences for your husband. You stay & keep accepting a great deal of disrespect, imo. Maybe your time & focus would be better spent on your own self-care and self worth? You’re 100% worth that investment.

@Illimerent.

I think, for some people, feeling strong negative emotion toward LO may be an inevitable stage of limerence. Perhaps this stage comes when one is stuck and one realises that one can’t easily become unstuck? I.e. when one realises one no longer has control over the situation? Also, there might be some unconscious anger directed toward the LO due to lack of real and/or perceived reciprocation.

I think, prior to the “stuck” stage, most people go through a period where they’re like a hamster on a treadmill, cycling between ecstasy and despair, but still desperately chasing an illusory future state of permanent bliss. Some people might not even be aware of the source of their growing sadness.

Limerence is like a rollercoaster ride. The length and speed of that rollercoaster ride may be predetermined by genetic factors. I.e. people usually can’t get off a real-life rollercoaster ride at the fair while it’s still going at high speed. One usually has to wait for the ride to stop, or at least slow down significantly. 😉

I think the high-low cycle in limerence is what traps people. If limerence merely made people feel high all the time, they’d get bored and walk away. If limerence merely made people feel low all the time, they’d also get bored and walk away. It’s the constant up-down that keep people hooked, and unable/unwilling to act with resolve.

I think people gradually come to resent the emotional dependency they know they have on LO. This might be why the LO is then perceived (wrongly, in my opinion) as some kind of “enemy”. 🤔

I have that same problem. But it’s a text tone, and it’s a somewhat common one so I hear it often and it sends me spiraling.