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“… really wanting to help the person who is triggering your limerence symptoms recognise their worth, and see how much you value them.”

When I examine myself, this is me. And I just want to comment on the TIMING, because it negates the argument that there is an underhand motive to become close: for me, the moment I REALISE the LO is a Bad Boy in need is the moment I fall for him. It’s like he tells me one bad thing about himself after another, and the moment he says “when I was in prison” I am irretrievably lost in my need to soothe the savage beast.

It probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have lived an incredibly sheltered and conventional life. All that transgression is probably terribly exciting to my system.

I think Option #3 recommended by our esteemed Dr L could be advice written just for me.

I’ve been thinking about limerence and the concept of universality i.e. how limerent episodes are meant to unfold in much the same way, regardless of cultural background, etc. That it is an innate, biologically-driven experience…

I’ve come to the conclusion that my own limerent episode detailed on this blog doesn’t ring true, compared to other people’s stories and in light of general principles. (1) The start was wrong – I never experienced extreme shyness and physical symptoms around Physics Boy, no butterflies, weak knees, shortness of breath, etc. (2) The ending was wrong – no bittersweet epilogue, no afterglow.

What I did experience: rumination, obsession, euphoria, mood swings, fantasies of coupledom, fantasies of the “love nest” we would build together (on an island, no less!).

I know for a fact that I did begin to experience a major limerent episode in my teens. I now see Physics Boy wasn’t the trigger for that episode. He was merely the male onto whom I TRANSFERRED the bulk of my limerent feelings once the LE was already well underway. That explains why I didn’t get butterflies or a racing heart around him. The male I have previously called Alpha Male was actually my original LO, and the true source of the limerent “awakening”.

I gave up on Alpha Male after a few years of pining, because he was too much of a challenge. But we did have an interesting history together that I would like to detail here.

He admired a picture of a frog I drew in grade eight – that was the first inkling I had that he liked me. The same year he threw the ball to me in water polo, despite the fact I wasn’t even on his team. (That was my error, not his. I must have waved at the wrong time or something, but it proves his friendly/seemingly sympathetic disposition toward me. He wanted to connect at some point).

All the girls were gaga for Alpha Male. He was very, very pretty and very, very masculine at the same time. (Long legs, long lashes, full lips). I remember listening to him play saxophone in grade eleven and feeling a surge of euphoria afterwards. He played a song on bass guitar in chapel, a funky rock version of “Jesus, Lover of my Soul”. In my love-drugged state, I felt like he was playing it just for me and I very politely thanked him afterwards. (How inappropriate!)

I fantasised about singing and performing Shakespeare speeches in front of him, but neither of those deeds ever transpired. When he was standing behind me, my legs would start trembling and the rest of my classmates would want to know if I was okay. I glimpsed him on the first day of grade twelve – he was almost “too hot” to look at. (He must have physically matured over the Christmas break).

I said hi to him outside Maths class once. He said hi back and my heart started racing. My heart raced so fast I was afraid I couldn’t stay upright without leaning on something. I was obsessed with his hair and his facial hair. (He dyed his hair red once, which was against school policy. And, yes, he got away with it too. He had impressive sideburns). Very little physical contact was involved in this LE – I was too in awe of him. I think I touched his back once with the base of my school hat in order to say hello. We once pressed our palms together to compare sizes.

I saw him at the school formal and I said that he looked nice. He said I looked nice too. He giggled when my date and I were having our pictures done – apparently, the girl and I looked cute together and I think he may have been fond of the girl in a friendship way. The two of them had known each other since primary school.

Yes, Alpha Male was my original LO. He’s happily married now and has at least one child. (That’s all I know). There’s some pictures of him online, as an adult, which I’ve seen. He is still good-looking, very pretty eyes, etc. But I think his facial hair and fashion accessories are on the fussy side. He always did have a narcissistic streak, and still has it. But I also think he was a well-meaning person.

If Alpha Male really was oh-so-alpha, I’m not sure why he and I interacted at all. I clearly wasn’t cool enough to be part of the in-group. I think my behaviour in high-school was very conformist, conventional, submissive, etc. Maybe he found me a bit amusing? Still, his early attempts to include me in things speaks well of his character. Maybe he was nicer in grade eight than he was in grade twelve?

He also went on the Physics excursion with us. He spent most of his time riding on the dodgem cars with his friends. He was vain and immature and rebellious at times. A bit of a bad boy? Maybe. I mostly focused on his admirable traits. I think what I’ve just written is a more honest and reliable account of my LE. And it was actually comments from two other posters (Marcia and DR.LIMERENCE) that reminded me of all this material I’ve conveniently “forgotten” for years. A few more of the jigsaw pieces fall into place! I’m starting to understand myself. 😛

I think maybe the “bad boy” role was played, in a sense, was me. I wasn’t a “bad boy” in traditional terms of bucking the system. My youth was very tumultuous in terms of my health due to severe autoimmune disease, and all my own innocence was effectively lost as I fought to survive.

From that perspective, I think I may have been seeking a “good girl” to bring my life back to normalcy.

In fact, now that I think about it… LO1 started to hit me hard right after my second serious condition emerged at 19, and LO2 hit me right after my 4th serious condition hit at 24.

But LO3… I was fine when the glimmer hit me hard. I don’t know what it is about LO3, but she hit me really damn hard.

“…for the maternal instinct leads a woman to prefer a tenth share in a first rate man to the exclusive possession of a third rate one. Polyandry has not been tried under these conditions.” – Bernard Shaw (1856–1950). “Man and Superman.” 1903. “Maxims for Revolutionists”

Conventional wisdom says that males are inclined to want to breed with as many women as possible to pass on genes. Conventional wisdom says women are inclined to look for whether a male has good genes, via looks, strength, speed, wealth, etc.

But, watch any episode of Jerry Springer, Maury, or Steve Wilkos, and if the baby daddy’s of those women was the best she could, it’s not saying much.

As far as your wife’s friend goes, some people never learn. There’s a reason behind that but it can take a lot of work on her part to correct it. LO #2 reverted to her old ways at least once after we split. I got the hint that LO #4 might be repeating history.

On one hand, LO #4 is an attractive, intelligent, charming, self-sufficient woman with a delightfully snarky sense of humor. A lot about her appeals to me. On the other hand, she’s pushing 50 with a history of failed relationships, at least two of which were with narcs. And, I never heard her say anything positive about any of her exes although she arduously defended the last one until, by her admission, I opened her eyes to what was going on. Yay Me!!! On paper, she’s a low-percentage shot.

If you read Shari Schreiber’s articles, one of her main contentions is you end up with someone who matches your level of emotional security and stability. Healthy, secure people don’t attach to someone who isn’t, at least not for long and they don’t repeat the pattern. They learn.

Get some Smuckers, because you are toast!

Well yesterday she showed one of them to me. Her biggest one. The masterpiece. The one I’ve been dying to see. She flirted. I flirted. She knows. I know. The elation. I am coming down off the high now. I miss her so badly. I wonder if she misses me. i Wish I could go to sleep and not wake up if I’m honest.