Also, she is newly diagnosed with bipolar and SHE NEEDS to learn how to manage it, solo, before starting an intimate relationship. Boundaries are healthy things.

Go read Dr. Karpman’s “drama triangle” work. You both sound a bit stuck. It certainly won’t do any harm to be aware of the dynamics.

Hi Dr Limerence

She has been as honest as she can be and I cannot fault her. It has been confusing for me but I suppose that it is mostly my fault for continuing to have hope. As much as I try to tell myself I will be there for her just as a friend there is always some tiny bit of hope that my feelings will be returned. It sickens me because I would have loved to care for her more selflessly. After enough time I have realized that it is not up to me to “save” her. And that continuing to try to be her friend affects us both negatively (although it starts outside quite nicely). A recent event has caused us to stop talking and I have not had the strength to continue the friendship. I miss her dearly but it is probably better this way.

Caring for myself more – is not something I think that comes to me naturally. I have been delving into this issue with a therapist and I have uncovered various childhood wounds that seem to help me understand my behavior and the reason I am so attached to my friend. I am currently in the process of letting go. It is incredibly painful but less painful than the intende rollercoaster ride that was being friends.

I find it somehow disheartening that I cannot be just her friend. It feels like there is something inherently selfish embedded deep within me and I had previously been aware of it. I have tried so hard to overcome it but I just can’t.

Hi darthreven17,

Thanks for sharing your story. My immediate impression is that it certainly contains all the elements that classically cause limerence – you are romantically attached to LO, have become very emotionally intimate with her and had some reciprocation, but there are bucket loads of uncertainty from her flip-flopping behaviour. All of this (coupled with some strong hints of “white knight syndrome” on your part) adds up to perfect conditions for limerence.

All that said, I would also say that your LO does sound as though she has been as honest with you as she can. From your words she sounds to be very confused about what she wants from a relationship and is clearly craving the comfort and emotional support that you provide, but she cannot seem to integrate that into a romantic framework in her mind. Unfortunately, it may just be that simple – she does not have the same connection in her mind as you: that emotional intimacy is a good foundation for romance. She also sounds, from your description, like a non-limerent.

Using buddist teachings as a way of talking herself into a romantic relationship suggests someone who is not able to develop romantic bonds naturally. The fact that she is also confused about her sexual orientation and how that relates to intimacy is also suggestive of problems with healthy bonding. You might be able to help her work through that confusion, but even if you succeed, it seems likely that she still won’t feel romantically attracted to you at the end. And even if she does decide to “give it a go”, you may find yourself doomed to a life of asymmetric affection and constant anxiety about her true feelings.

Overall, I would suggest that you need to start caring for yourself more. You have held your life in abeyance for a long time in the hope that your LO can figure this out, and sacrificed your own emotional stability and future. Maybe it is time to focus on what kind of life you want to have? Imagine what kind of future you could have if LO was not in it. Start from that premise: LO will never want me romantically. OK. Now what? What life do I pursue now? I have given her a lot, she has given me some back, but now it is time to find a new direction and forge a new life.

I talk a lot on the blog about “purposeful living”, meaning focusing on the things that are within your control, the kind of person you want to be, and the kind of life you want to live. That has been the best strategy I’ve ever found for making sense of my life and the experiences I’ve had and turning the limerent experience into something that can be used to understand myself better. It’s hard to see how it could do harm. If your life was more purposeful, what would it be like?

Good luck, and best wishes.

Sorry, I meant SOs.

“Again, limerence doesn’t excuse the behavior but understanding what someone may be dealing with might help both limerents and suffering LOs make more informed decisions.”

Do you mean LO’s, SO’s or both?

Here is the Bowlby video I meant to link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VAAmSqv2GV8

Limerence can explain behavior but it doesn’t excuse it. Being a limerent no more exonerates crappy behavior any more than having a personality disorder does. In that respect, limerence could be considered an adverse pathology.

In other blogs, DrL covers a lot of subjects and tying them together takes work, especially if you’re not already familiar with many of the concepts. Few limerents appear to be.

If you’re non-limerent or the SO of an active limerent, it would be hard to understand why something that should be obvious, isn’t, and even if it is, why is it so hard for them to do something about it?

Why is change so difficult?

The two videos show the depth of what a limerent MIGHT be dealing with. If the shoe fits, trying to fix things without a lot of work, is like “trying to capture smoke (Marion Solomon)”

The first video is pretty short but it’s really good. Pay attention at about 1:00 minute. You can see the pain in Bowlby’s eyes.

https://www.google.com/search?q=bowlby%20video&cad=h

The second video (from Vimeo) is by Marion Solomon, MD. I’ve read her articles and have one of her books. Some of the more interesting stuff comes at the 15, 19, & 20ish minute marks. The 19 minute mark introduces the term “substitute gratification” which limerence appears to be a vehicle for. At the 20 minute mark, Solomon talks about a cosmic connection, the “numinous” nature of limerence DrL speaks of above. Her works are now considered somewhat “old school” in light of advances over the last few years but she’s really good. Another of her gems is that when individuals or couples enter therapy, the goal isn’t to effect real change, the goal is to become comfortable in their current pathology (e.g., a married limerent might enter therapy to remove the anxiety of the cognitive dissonance associated with betraying their partner).

https://vimeo.com/49795635

As Dr. L says, “Put all of these factors together, and that there is some significant psychological heft.” DrL says that he’s not a professional in this arena but Bowlby and Solomon are. They corroborate what you read here.

Again, limerence doesn’t excuse the behavior but understanding what someone may be dealing with might help both limerents and suffering LOs make more informed decisions.

Tom – You may want to check out The Drama Triangle. Karpman came up with it & has updated/refined it through the years.

Good luck to you both. That’s a sad and scary situation.