Anonymous, I recently found this website and have been reading through the feed. Anytime I see a story similar to mine, I feel hopeful. I know your message was from 2020 but i’d be very interested in hearing how things turned out for you.
Like yourself, I’ve been married for 20+ years, attractive, successful, career-driven, etc. Along the way, we’ve fought quite a bit, and I had what I would have described (before the affair) as a lonely, unhappy marriage, even though I absolutely love her.
So, around late 2020, someone came into my life who happened to be going through similar circumstances with her husband of over 30 years. She asked me out to lunch, and I accepted, thinking I understood what I was getting into. I didnt have a clue. She became off-the-chart limerent for me and after 3 months of trying to get out of it (I am an avoidant attachment, even though I can sometimes delve into anxious attachment style), I couldnt stop seeing her either. We both became addicted to one another. After closing this relationship off (or so I thought), I suddenly became limerent for someone else, who I hadnt seen since high school. I was beyond perplexed about why I couldnt get this person out of my head. I even went as far as to send her a 3 page email explaining my circumstances and how blown away I was by it. I started seeing a counselor to try and gain some understanding, but she was equally perplexed. It was only after my affair partner began seeing an old boyfriend again that I woke up from this limerence and turned my attention towards the affair partner again.
We carried on for another few months, but the cognitive dissonance was killing me so I again broke things off, this time, hoping it was permanent. 4 months later, after she began dating another man she’d met at a concert, my ego and pride (perhaps) went haywire and I rushed to reconcile. We both made an odd arrangement to agree for her to keep dating him, while seeing me ‘on the side’. It was an arrangement we hoped would quell her insatiable need to be with me (she had severe abandonment issues and could not be alone and I could not be with her full time because I was ambivalent about leaving my wife for her) and being able to continue seeing each other. It drove me crazy, as expected. Each time I left her side, I became despondent as she went back to him as if I didnt exist. After a few months, she eventually broke things off with him, thinking by this time I would finally be able to leave my wife (she never explicitly asked me to leave my wife, and in fact, would encourage me to go home and be with her). I couldnt and didnt. She then made the final decision to leave me and go back to the boyfriend, whom she also loved by then. This was in August and I came out to my wife about the affair in September. Ever since then, Ive been despondent, depressed and have had to twice go away to treatment centers. The physical and emotional pain have been unbearable – yes, just like an addiction – the dopamine rush from being with her was obviously intoxicating. It is now May, a full 9 months since the last time I was with her (ive run into her twice since then, but we just talked for a few minutes) and I still think about her daily, miss her, but know that I cannot be with her. I have been working hard to repair my marriage, but as I said, its been insanely difficult. I am grateful that my wife loves me (she was devastated by all of this, of course) and wants to work things out as well. We have two young kids at home, and 3 more who’ve moved out of house.
I am better, but still obviously hurting. I know a lot of the pain involves my own brain telling me the affair partner chose someone else (she did not – as she has told me, I simply was not available), but because of complex childhood trauma, abandonment issues, etc, I have had a harder time recovering. I know limerence is playing a huge part here but I also know that I love her and miss the conversations, etc.
I know for some of the hurt spouses on here, it’ll be easy to judge me. I realize my mistakes – we are all human, and as Ive stated, Ive worked to right the wrongs and have sworn Ill never allow myself to desire another again, so long as I am married.

“Me and Mrs. Jones
We got a thing goin’ on
We both know that it’s wrong
But it’s much too strong
To let it go now”

Heard this one on the way to work yesterday.

And of course I misspelled limerent! Hope to be forgiven! 🙂

If you are asking me, yes. We have had several issues within the last 4 years or so with our marriage. So the limerence is a product of those issues not the cause of them. Issues that have been building up over time and started metastasizing into the cancer that is killing our marriage now. Not sure what the future holds but its either going to kill the marriage or make it stronger. Unfortunately I fear the third option; we stay stuck in our ruts and just go through the motions, like I watched my paternal grandparents do. No fights, no arguments, but also no love or affection. Just indifference.

I’m reading this while I’m in a training talking about substance abuse (I don’t struggle with substance abuse so I thought I’d read up on what I do struggle with) and you wrote my story so specifically that I thought for a moment you were my LO.

I don’t have an answer for you but also want to say you are not alone even if it feels like an empty ocean. I’m considering therapy but don’t know where to even start to find someone. I rely on my faith to encourage me but just because I have faith and help, doesn’t mean it’s not lonely. I struggle with the “do you WANT to change?” My brain says the obvious answer is yes, but my heart wants to linger in the doorway, waiting for just a whisper of hope that it will work out, even though I know the stars are not on our side. It’s difficult. It’s so difficult.

I told my wife about my limerence. Once I found out what was even wrong with me for the last 2 years. But I did that because my wife already has her suspicions and brought them to me that I was having an PA or EA. So when I found out what limerence was it seemed, in my case, something that might help her understand what is going on in my brain. Because the woman that she thought I was/am having an affair with was my LO. Had those not been the extenuating circumstances I probably would not have told my wife.

We are still working through that as my wife just thinks limerence is just a fancy psychological term for EA. But as Miss Lovisa pointed out, you do know your wife more than any of us. But for the most part, most limerents in this community have chose no to share limerence with their spouses.

Welcome Tanzeer Ahmed, the experts suggest that you don’t try to educate your spouse about limerence. You are the best person to decide if your wife is willing to have that conversation.

Good luck!

Hi, were there any issues with your marriage?