As my twice-divorced father put it to me: “There’s nobody that you can’t live without. There may be people who you’ll miss terribly if they’re no longer part of your life but you can live without them.”
Yes, Limerent Emeritus, thank you so much for sharing that. This is just what I needed at this time!
My brain secretes all these tragic thoughts about me never crossing paths with LO1 again, even though I haven’t seen her in a long time.
Your post has given me courage not to go down the ‘poor me’ path of deprivation.

Currently having the most excruciating relationship with my SO. We have a small child (4 yrs) and we’ve been in a complicated relationship for 2 years because I developed PP baby blues. I believe it’s because of his childhood, he gets overwhelmed, shuts down, and becomes avoidant. Then tries to run from his problems.

Over the last two years it’s been hard because he wanted to work out our issues, but didn’t want to communicate them. I honestly don’t know how that would’ve worked especially because I’m big in communication. So the relationship has been at a stand still, even though we’ve been living together raising our daughter. I love this man with every fibre of my being .

Recently, I gained a new friend after doing this persons hair for a short period. I had stopped doing hair for awhile, but because I needed the cash for some dental work (root canal and fillings) I started doing his hair. Now this friend and I have no romantic relationship, it was strictly platonic and was a great ear to listen. My partner had a problem with me doing his hair because 1. he’s a male and 2. He’s an athletes for our cities team.

It began getting out of hand when I couldn’t figure out if my partner was going into my phone when I was asleep. So I reached out to one of my girlfriends for some advice on what I should do. . This is the one time I was childish , and one of those instances that I had to learn from as it was immature. But, I planted a “rat trap” to see if he was and it worked. But it set a world wind of events which caused him to treat me terribly and eventually become limerent with his married friend.

Now, I’ve taken responsibility for my actions, so much so that I even removed myself from the friendship with the client out of respect. Which I’m perfectly ok with.

But now he formed a trauma bond with and is limerent with his married friend, who is in counselling with her own husband. I’m not sure why (not my business). He’s currently without a job and vehicle, I’m the sole provider for our daughter (2 jobs) .. The situation got to a point where he would defend her, at the expense of my emotions which heightened my anxiety.

Although, he keeps telling me he loves me but doesn’t want our dynamic of arguing because of the lack of communication.. he’s also told me that he doesn’t want to relinquish the friendship with her because he “needs” her. I’ve watched him parade her around and do things with her that he stopped doing with me.

Even went as far to tell me she was “doing the things that I couldn’t do” for him. Even though she’s married , with two small children. When I voiced that it hurt me immensely, he would either brush it off or sometimes he would say “I’m sorry you feel that way” but when I’d ask about the relationship between them it’s “we’re just friends” but he’s not ready for the conversation because he’s uncomfortable.

I eventually had to put him out the house because he was getting out of control and we needed a time out. He was emotionally and mentally draining me. I’m extremely hurt, as it made me have a mental breakdown. By the grace of God I pulled myself out of with the help of my family and friends.

He repeatedly tells me he doesn’t want the relationship right now because “ he needs to work on himself”. I think he’s confused because :

1. It feels as though he tried to get back at me (I’ve seen him act immaturely in other ways) and it backfired because he became infatuated with a married woman.

2. He doesn’t know what to do now because he’s confused

3. He lost his job and car, and is now living with his parents.

Although we’re in couples counselling (I also have solo sessions), and he says if therapy gets us through this then he’d be willing to try again in our relationship. He still tells me he loves me a lot and wants our family but just not “right now”. But we’re in therapy and I pray it works. Im trying to lose my sense of wanting control of the situation.

I don’t know what it is , but it’s gotten to a point where I don’t know what to do. My heart is broken, I’ve owned my wrongs in the situation. Im willing to forgive and move forward especially through the therapy. But, I feel so disposable. Im trying to keep it together.

Chelsea,

That sounds like a big rejection! I’m being very blunt, you need to move on and stop him from coming back. No pity! You deserve better. It looks like he knows you’ll be there for him when he’s rejected by his LO. NO, No, no more. Don’t be his cushion when he fails. Self respect and dignity are qualities you must cultivate and you’ll find the right partner who’s free. No more patient with this fellow!

Be strong and good luck.

Chelsea, not sure you were seeking replies or just sharing your story. My view is you are worthy of what you are seeking and rightly asking for. It seems you have been unbelievably tolerant of the ‘situation’ . If the other way around, and you were tending to a previous boyfriend and his needs and his childrens needs several times a week, would your partner seriously be happy with that ? regardless of sensitivity or autism , the answer is as clear as daylight.
If he dumped you, try to heal and move on as quick as you can. You are 1st not 2nd best.
Best wishes

Lovisa,
“I don’t know if you have any future with your friend unless you can honestly support him and accept his other family.”
I don’t agree. I’m sorry. This guy wasted her time. He’s not her friend.
I don’t think he did it deliberately. Wasn’t plotting and planning, but the minute this other woman showed back up, he went running. Away from someone who was treating him well and right back to someone who is using him for projects and resources.

Chelsea: I don’t know how much he told you about this other woman when you first met him. So I don’t know if this was the case, but if he was talking about her a lot or you sensed maybe he wasn’t over her … in the future, with situations like this, I’d walk. Even if there’s no chance of the other woman showing back up again, he’s not ready to be dating someone new. He’s not over the other person.

Oh boy, Chelsea, that is a difficult situation. You appreciate and enjoy him for who he is and his LO just enjoys receiving resources and assistance from him. That is frustrating. I don’t think you have any power in that situation. I think you have to let him go or accept that he has another family who is more important to him than you. I don’t think I would tolerate that from a love interest if I were a single woman unless the kids were actually his. I would probably friend-zone him because it sounds like he is the kind of man who you want to have around. He probably loves to feel like part of her family, and unfortunately, it is probably in the kids’ best interest to have him around. Wow, that is so unfortunate because it sounds like he would be a good father to his own children. I can’t say I blame his LO either.

Can I suggest a book? “Making Sense of Men” by Alison Armstrong. I love her work! I use her techniques on the men in my life, it makes them happy and I love how they treat me. I don’t know if you have any future with your friend unless you can honestly support him and accept his other family. But perhaps you can use the skills that Alison teaches to charm a better prospect.

Good luck!

She’s lucky you walked her through it with the knowledge you have about limerence. I hope things work out for you and her to your satisfaction.

DogGirl

I wish I had known about this idea of a “limerence” situation when it all first went down. To see how he has treated & vilified his wife, devastating. What is worse my husband believes his BS about how “badly” his wife has treated him. I also had thought, “well, no one knows a marriage and what’s going on.” (Since I really had no explanation.)

What finally clued me in that this was more than “I have to be happy for the last 25 years of my life because my wife browbeat me” was when he thought it was normal to bring his mistress to his WIFE’s all girl membership group to any of their events. That is some out of your mind stuff right there! Lol.

He also gets mad when I call the LO “the mistress”. I told him, sorry that’s a fact and that’s what those situations are called.

My question: how do we deal with this whole vilify the wife situation? I’m positive he’s exaggerating things.

He also seems to be feeding off making her the “evil” one and her social media. (She looks amazing and the affair partner truly is NOT her equal) I told her she ought to block him and also hide posts from his supporters, including my husband. He phrases them as “fans of his”. So that’s weird as hell too. Why does he care what she is doing? Why is this a weird competition? He devastated her life. They are now divorced. You said you wanted to move on. She let you. Move on.
Well, he can’t because it’s probably occurring to him he’s screwed up big time.

I don’t want to lose him as a friend but I also don’t want to be a part of confirming his “illusion” with the LO(limerent object).

I also decided and told him that I don’t want to be around the mistress for a while, which he brought around 1 month after his affair. If I were in a similar situation, wouldn’t it be best to lay low? 6 months, maybe?? To me, forcing this woman on all of us so soon shows that this very successful and smart man is not in his right mind… and it’s limerence. And as his friend, I worry about the come down.