Tina

I can really only give any “counselling” on two things about your situation.

A. I personally have felt better as man, husband and father when I gave up pornography 4 years ago. While my wife and I do occasionally partake of it together, that being the key, she never minded when I did. Or if she did she never voiced her opinion. But I think it can easily slide into an addiction. And unfortunately with the easy access anyone has to it, it is becoming more and more of a threat to society. Google or go on youtube and look up “porn addiction”. I don’t know if that is a concern of you of your husband or you just asking it’s relation to limerence.

B. I can’t speak for your husband but looks had little to do with the woman that I fell into limerence with. Yes she was an attractive woman but it was more who she represented in my mind; a lost love. The first woman I may first have even been limerent for but certainly was in love with long before I met my wife.

I think it is just the difference in how men vs women perceive others of the opposite sex. But I do believe that my wife thought it was more about the physical than it was anything else when I disclosed to her about my limerence. I guess what I am trying to say is that in limerence it may have been that for him but out of limerence he really does see you in the positive light that he is displaying.

Good luck to you. I have a very forgiving wife I am very grateful for. Maybe he is realizing that now and is doing all he can to win you back.

I like the direction you are going, Speedy. Way to work on reality with SO. I remember you mentioning that SO is a lovely woman who makes you look good. It seems like she has many admirable qualities. You are so lucky that you get to have real sex with her real body. And it’s a huge bonus that she likes being with you, too. And let’s not forget that she can carry a grown-up conversation. I think the incredible fantasy sex you imagine with LO would be disappointing if it ever happened in real life. That’s how fantasies are. They feel better than reality because everything plays out exactly the way you want it to play out. But, isn’t real sex so much better than pretend sex?

Here is a little honesty. If I start to have sexual thoughts about LO3, I imagine that he is very small below the belt. I don’t know why I started doing this. It makes me laugh a little. Maybe you can picture yourself peeling off LO’s clothes to find that she is a he. I don’t know, that might turn you off quickly.

Thanks for being so honest. You are brave!

I’ve been in an LE for over a year and recently I have become aware that I have a high libido and that my LE was initially driven by a strong sexual desire for my LO that corresponded with a low sexual period with my SO. Since becoming limerent, the positive is my libido for my SO increased in both sexual desire but also general affection. This has brought us closer together both emotionally and physically. But, in contrast I still have an enormous sexual attraction to LO, it is still the main driver of my limerence for her. Early on in my LO I quickly took to fantasizing about a PA with my LO. But it goes well beyond lust into a desire to share physical intimacy with her as an expression of emotional connection to her. She is the only person, except for SO, that I can say this of. All my other crushes and attractions are really just lust based and do not cause me any distress. LO feels love based and desiring her physically but not being able to play it out does hurt.

As for SO, I am glad we have reconnected sexually and affectionately, and LE has been a big boost to that. The negative is, real sex with SO seems to pale in comparison to the fantasy of sex I have built up around LO. I am working thru that and really that is an issue to be worked on with SO independent of any other external sexual desire.

I cannot go NC with LO, we work together, and I will always be attracted to her I suppose, but I am hoping that over time the strong sexual desire can recede with the LE and she can turn into just another mild object of lust while SO maintains my attention as an object of both emotional and physical love.