Comments on: Limerence and the friendzone

By: Allie 1

Allie 1 — Wed, 25 Aug 2021 19:40:37 +0000

In reply to BLW. Wholeheartedly agree with you about LOs wanting to be friends. Our LE is our own problem to resolve.

By: BLW

BLW — Wed, 25 Aug 2021 19:28:49 +0000

I laughed hard at the “matey” thing. My current LO started fist bumping at some point. I had disclosed prior to that and we had thoroughly discussed the matter with him giving me (honestly really legitimate) reasons for why he wanted to focus on himself and didn’t have capacity for romantic love in his life at the moment. Usually, I would consider many of his reasons excuses but his life circumstances are so extreme and peculiar, he definitely has to work though these before he can have a proper relationship with anyone. So everything he said seemed reasonable to me (and still does ). The problem is, he did not disclose whether he would consider dating me if circumstances were different which left my limerent brain a fricking backdoor. Anyways, after that conversation we began treating each other as acquaintances and he suddenly started fist bumping me when we met. I reluctantly went along the first couple of times but at some point I just snapped at him: “you don’t have to rub it in. just find some other way to greet me.”

I have to say I differ on the point that every LO who wants to be your friend is selfish and narcissistic. I don’t think it’s someone else’s responsibility to manage your emotions and expectations for you. Of course, there are people who will try to exploit a “limerent situation” but others genuinely like you in a non-romantic way, want to be your friend and act accordingly. If you can’t handle it, it’s your responsibility to withdraw and not theirs. I mean, I’m aware that the inability to do so is pretty much what differentiates limerents from non-limerents but it still doesn’t mean an LO who acts perfectly normal is to blame here. Those mixed signals that LOs send and limerents ruminate about often seem not so mixed and pretty clear from the outside.

By: Sammy

Sammy — Fri, 23 Apr 2021 08:33:10 +0000

I agree – the “friendzone” is a terrible place to be for a limerent. It’s even worse if the rejection has been ambiguous or too politely worded for the message to sink in. The limerent will continue reading into friend’s behaviour for signs of reciprocation. Possibly, the limerent will become even more zealous in searching out signs, since LO has brought up the hitherto taboo topic of romance. (Ooh. They mentioned romance! Were they thinking about romance? Were they thinking about romance with me? Yippee!) In other words, disclosure and rejection hasn’t solved anything. It’s only made the situation more confusing.

This is especially true if the limerent wasn’t fully conscious of their feelings for LO and didn’t disclose, but the LO issued some vague statement of rejection in response to fears they may have been entertaining themselves regarding the direction of the bond. I had a guy do this to me once (not my main LO) and his unique way of friendzoning me was to refer to me as “matey” in all subsequent communications. Needless to say, I didn’t get the hint. In fact, I didn’t realise he probably meant to friendzone me until I read this article – years after the event!!

Sometimes, I think a subtle rejection is worse than no rejection. Also, LOs should be aware some limerents might not want to be friends in the immediate aftermath of a rejection. Rejection can take it toll on the old ego. Limerents might need time to compose themselves and process their feelings.

I particularly enjoyed Lucy Bain’s take on the subject, which I think should be compulsory reading for all limerents: “5 Reasons to Never Befriend Someone You Love: The Golden Rule of Infatuation”.

Her first point “You’ll Act Like You’re Dating Them” is so true. We’ve all had that one platonic friend who’s a little too possessive, haven’t we? And I think this sort of behaviour often makes people cringe when they’re on the receiving end…

By: Thomas

Thomas — Sun, 16 Aug 2020 12:12:46 +0000

Nice work Dr. L,

I opened this article, saw the cover image and burst out laughing on the bus!

By: Underthesea

Underthesea — Sat, 02 Nov 2019 14:30:04 +0000

When I first met my LO in my early 20s (he was in his early 30s) it was totally random on a sidewalk with friends after a night out for a Birthday we exchanged numbers and agreed to meet for a lunch date, the days following I had extreme anxiety, when I had lunch with him i couldnt eat and heart pounding, sweaty palms.. all of it. i thought he was so amazing and handsome, sweet and smart….. totally out of my league. We continued to causally date for 3yrs seeing eachother once every two weeks or so. Hes always has been the one to reach out and communicate with me, I’ve always been to scared of rejection from him to reach out and txt first. Every Txt message i got from him I would go over and over in my head what to txt back and sometimes it would take a hour or two to return the txt because well.. I had so many thoughts and insecurities. I knew this wasnt normal or healthy and I began to realized it was unhealthy we didnt communicate our true feeling for one another and that there was never any real development in 3yrs in the “realationship”, we just didnt communicate well on a romantic level and so I did communicate that with him and he agreed. We continued on as “friends” and broke off the any physical aspect of the realationship. In my mind it was also with the hope of getting more comfortable around him and stop all the confusion and racing thoughts but still be able to have him in my life. It was a way to have him as a friend and hopefully get more comfortable as friends which i started to think hes probably best suited for in my life anyway.
Well then I moved away for 8 yrs for work he moved away for a few yrs also. I dated a few good men in that time I was away but I never stopped thinking of him, he was always in the background. Thanks to him we remained in contact while apart, he would alway txt remembering my birthday or a friendly Christmas greeting txt. Which always lead me to believe he really does care and he is a sincere friend but on the other hand has always left me a bit confused. Why and how does he remember my birthday every year?no guy friend does that for a decade.
Surely he must be seeing someone or dating? (He never talks about romantic relationships hes had)
I saw him briefly at times as friends durning my 8yrs hiatus when I would come home to vist family, i did let him know when i got a text from him when i was planning a vist so we would make plans to meet and say hello. One time on a vist home I did confess to him that I loved him in a way that I truly care for him as a friend. In my mind I thought it was important to tell the people you love how you feel and I wanted him to know how I felt, it was easier under the cloak of friendship. He responded with a I love you too. All that love talk though was friendship love not romantic love talk and i did feel relief from that but never dwelled on it really.
Fast forward- I quit my job a few yrs later and moved home 2yrs ago, he did have a small part in the decision (wanting to see him more would be great), I thought maybe a more mature me could be a real true friend now and not be so shy.. nope! Ha
He still initiates the contact every few months, and I still cant talk about how I feel completely. I always have a great time hanging out with him though it just that after I’ve been getting emotionally hungover for weeks following a friendly vist with him, It’s like nonstop thinking about what his true intentions are and the what if’s… I know I’m not being a true friend and I think that bothers me more then the fact that I’m not with him romantically. I really do care about him and not hurting him makes it extremely hard to tell him he cant contact me anymore. I really do want true friendship with him but I also know that there will always be hidden feelings.
After 13yrs I’m ready for all the confusion to stop! Just dont want to live with regrets that I feel will come with no contact.
In the 2yrs I’ve been home I have been seeing someone who knows about my friendship with LO but my LO doesnt know about my SO. It’s been hard to bring up my SO to my LO with fear of losing him.
Sometimes i wish he would just say hey I’m in a realationship and I happy and I could be happy for him and move on from all the confusion and emotional hurricanes.
I’m pretty sure I need therapy! Ha

By: Jaideux

Jaideux — Fri, 05 Jul 2019 01:01:29 +0000

In reply to Scharnhorst. hahaha!

By: Because

Because — Sat, 08 Dec 2018 06:35:30 +0000

I did have an LO who seemed very interested at first and then cooled down and said he liked me as a friend. It took a lot of years and nonsense, but now we are friends (I actually talk to his girlfriend more often than him now, and am seriously overjoyed at he fact that I got to give the “If you hurt him I’ll kill you” speech and she DIDN’T, she ended up being much better for him than I would have). He had some serious ex-girlfriend nonsense which interfered in his ability to form a new relationship at the time, and, despite how much that sucked, we got through it, and hang out every time we’re in the same time zone now. Last time was about 5 years ago. I guess I note this to say that it’s not necessarily manipulation when an LO is hot at first and then cools down. Sometimes it’s just the other person’s past rising up organically in a way that makes it impossible to continue at the time.

And sometimes this is WAY WAY WAY for the best. D and I would have been terrible for each other. D and L are great for each other. No fault of D’s. He wasn’t messing with me. He had his own things going on. I was in no way the right person to help him with them. L was.

By: Scharnhorst

Scharnhorst — Tue, 20 Mar 2018 11:55:37 +0000

In reply to drlimerence.

When I met her at the end of 1982, I was a Naval officer in a town where my only friends were shipmates, both my parents were dead, and my closest living relative was 1000 miles away.

To me, an attractive, intelligent, charming, avoidant with a sense of humor who was willing to trade sex for friendship wasn’t a cause for concern.

She was a Gift from Heaven.

By: Scharnhorst

Scharnhorst — Wed, 29 Nov 2017 12:26:21 +0000

In reply to drlimerence.

You could almost hear Rod Serling’s voice in the background….

“On a rainy night over bouillabaisse and Merlot, Scharnhorst declined an invitation into …the Friendzone.”

By: drlimerence

drlimerence — Tue, 28 Nov 2017 21:14:16 +0000

In reply to Scharnhorst.

She sounds like trouble…
No wonder you succumbed!