Hi GenieJo. I am sorry that you are feeling low in your LE. I have some experience in the role that social media plays in exacerbating limerence, so I thought that I would jump in. The issue that I was facing was looking for validation from my LO regarding my social media posts, getting happy when there is a response, and feeling sad when there is not a response or a late response. The whole thing was driving me nuts. Like you, both of us also have SOs. There can be a whole lot of psychology reasons why we get into LE, but for now, you need to work on neutralising your current LE.

My assessment is that if the social media interactions with LO are causing you distress, they are not worth it. If blocking your LO seems hard, you can start by reducing the frequency of your interactions. Whenever you get the urge to look at LO social media, try not too, the urge will pass eventually.

The one thing that is in your favor is that you do not see him physically, handling that is another challenge.

Wish you the best, and do not worry, you will do well!

Welcome GenieJo! I hope you are able to break free from your current struggles. Scharnhorst is still involved in our community. I hope he sees your post so that you can chat with him. He has great insight. He is compassionate towards us limerents, but he will also dish up some tough love when it’s needed. He goes by Limerent Emeritus now. A lot of people call him LE for short (LE is also an abbreviated form of limerent experience, by the way).

I’m glad you are taking action to improve your situation.

Best wishes!

I’m aware your post is 7 years old. Ut I’ve found it very interesting as I am going through a LE with someone online that I’ve never met. I’ve been chatting to this man for 7 months, he posts daily videos so I know his mannerisms, his voice, expressions etc. never spoken to him. It I’ve sent him videos of me chatting and he has too. We are both attracted to each other but we are both in happy marriages so go figure! I’ve decided enough is enough and have gone NC. I can’t have him in my thoughts all day, every day, I know it is not healthy. And I wouldn’t call it an EA, it’s nit that deep. But
Still, it’s taken over my life. I’m doing well, sort of resisting looking at his social media but tonight I’ve decided I am blocking him and I want absolutely NC whatsoever so wish me luck. This limerence thing has taken me by surprise. And it’s a shame because we get in very well and it’s fun to flirt. But it’s also wrong to flirt when you are married so it’s the right decision. I wonder how you got on scharnhirst. If u read this, wish me luck please, I need it. But I’m very positive I’ll be fine and back to normal. Helps that I’ll never bump into him.

I agree with this post. I don’t see how limerence is a good thing in any way. Not only that, why is limerence considered a natural physiological process?

I suppose anxiety is natural too, but if the switch is turned on constantly, you have an anxiety disorder. Maybe limerence has some evolutionary usefulness as it gets you to obsess about someone, mate with them, and have children? Then the limerence disappears? Ok, from that perspective I suppose limerence is natural. But what if limerence is never turned off? It just drags on for months and months? Then what? Now you have a disorder that causes suffering.

Limerence is a disorder. We shouldn’t glorify any aspect of it.

I have experienced at least 2 limerence episodes in my life now and they were utterly horrifying, with consequences that I continue to live with due to both former LOs being in my social circle.

I am better off without them, but I would’ve been even better off had it never happened. And if there is no “growth” to be had from say overcoming a childhood trauma that led you down the path in the first place, then limerence is just art for art’s sake. That’s an even more sinister notion.

Being “addicted” to another human being and the roller coaster it takes you on, ripping your whole life away in the process, is anything but positive.

I also do not buy your stance of “limerence isn’t necessarily rooted in childhood trauma and therefore may not need treatment.” The former doesn’t imply the latter. I’ve not seen any work that even attempts to address that. I also wouldn’t take Tennov as the be-all-end-all authority on the topic, despite having initially proposed it. That’s not how science works. And if we aren’t going to apply the scientific method to this concept, we may as well be talking about our star signs and how susceptible they render us to this monster.

“It’s a natural physiological process.”
So is cancer.

If your claim is that limerence may just exist in a vacuum and not arise from some underlying cause (the same way heroin addiction stems from heroin and not from adolescent trauma) then perhaps I could buy that, but frankly would want to see some serious evidence for that (an issue I take with this concept in general. All due respect to whatever your credentials may be but this is a blog that seems to implicitly encourage self-diagnosis of a loosely defined concept, with massive consequences, from a book nearly half a century old based on speculation and anecdote. And the internet is full of all kinds of information on this, most of which is as authoritative and prescriptive as it is baseless.)

Either way. I’ve never found the experience of limerence to be anything other than disruptive, destructive, and debilitating. Whether it comes from turbulent upbringing, or a nucleus accumbens run amok, it is certainly something that I could do with never going through again, and wouldn’t wish on anybody.
And yes, it required therapy to get through. And still does. There is nothing positive about that.

My biggest takeaway from this post is that rigorous scientific thought and research needs to be applied to this topic. It clearly hasn’t.

I am grateful that I am able to go NC. Thank you for the reminder of this. I’m not sure my therapist fully understands what I’ve been going through and after reading the posts you have shared- a conversation is absolutely not the way to go.

Thanks and best wishes too.

I concur with TP. My LO is an employee of mine who I have to collaborate with on a daily basis in person. I literally fantasize about her quitting and being able to be full NC. At best I practice some LC measures but they feel not enough a lot of the time. Take the gift of NC and rid this person completely from your life then get on with living purposefully with your current SO. I don’t think I have read any personal stories on here of having more contact be a solution to LE.

Welcome, MissB30! As someone who has to work with their LO — albeit indirectly and not on a daily basis — I so wish I could go full NC, like you can. I do my best but every time LO contacts me or I see him (or anticipate seeing him), the LE flares up again. I would say take the gift you’ve been given and don’t meet with him. Even knowing you will meet again soon would likely lead to rehearsing the conversation, fantasising about possible reciprocation etc, which would reinforce the very brain patterns you are hoping to reverse. When your LO ended the uncertainty by rejecting the affair, and then “liked” an old photo, he may well have thought it was safe to stick his head above the parapet in a friendly way but clearly him doing so has refueled your LE and I suggest you are not ready to meet him. See here: https://livingwithlimerence.com/im-totally-over-this-lets-go-for-coffee/
and https://livingwithlimerence.com/closure-is-an-illusion/

All the very best to you.

I’ve been in therapy since June last year ( just had to start with a new therapist which doesn’t help but I’ve got them up to speed).

I’m in a long term relationship of 8 years (recently engaged) and I am 5 months into no contact with LO. I’ve done a lot of the hard work, I know this, but I find myself in a full blown relapse.

The problem I have is. I never met my LO in person. We spoke virtually through work then via social media. We live locally to each other so I have driven past them but we have not met. The relationship fizzled out on friendly terms, I didn’t disclose to them however the affair was rejected by them in the end on moral grounds ( thank god). I made the concious choice to take control and withdraw and they are now in a new relationship and I am focusing on mine.

I started taking steps to purposeful living and I made progress. However I still found myself checking social media. I then received a notification they liked an old picture of me. This fuelled my Limerence and uncertainty. So I took what I thought would be the final step and blocked them on socials. This was 2 weeks ago.

I thought this would be the end of it. But I seem to have gone backwards and am fantasising like I was at the start. I still can feel like we’ll end up together in the end

I am trying to work through things with a therapist and she suggested I should meet them to have a conversation. And the reality of them may stop me from daydreaming and idolising them.

This has sent me into conflict. Would this help resolve the uncertainty and end the Limerence. Or would breaking no contact undo my hard work?