You really have no clue do you.

“Or maybe the limerence is making me perceive his behaviour as non-threatening.”

Well, it wasn’t dangerous behavior like running at you while screaming and brandishing a weapon. It felt good. But you were compromising your principles. You were able to see that and stopped it before you not only had crossed a line, you were so far over it you couldn’t see where you had begun and then started to justify where you were.

I’m sorry that losing his company has made you feel badly but he was never yours to lose, if you see what I mean.

Ah, kids. Yes, they will continue to ignore or delay doing what you ask them to do for years to come too. They like to test whether or not you really mean it, or when you will stand up and make it clear they have crossed a line. Some of them do that longer than others. I hope yours get a bit easier as they mature rather than more obstinate and surly. So maybe going limerence now will later help you deal with older children who play the game of doing “exactly what you said!” without doing what is necessary to get a job DONE. Rock-solid easily seen boundaries and very clear directions can be helpful in so many different ways.

I hope you and yours have a pleasant weekend.

Seriously, this is all good food for thought. Probably LO was being honest with you, Sophie (factually at least), and you bonded through shared experience, but keeping your mind open to deceit is potentially a very useful tactic in recovery. It always pays to remind ourselves that we don’t know LOs motives, thoughts or goals. It’s so tempting to fall into the trap of thinking that, as their confidante, we understand them especially well (and vice versa).

It can help the healing to force yourself to view them with some emotional distance and wonder “what if they were not what they seemed…?”

“but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to knowing his marriage was struggling (ie there was blood in the water on his side) before all of this kicked off.”

That is what he told you, that doesn’t mean it was the truth. Is his wife aware that he has said this about their marriage? She may be completely in the dark.

I’m not saying you should tell her nor am I saying you shouldn’t. But think about it this way – if your husband were courting someone else and potentially setting himself up with a warm body to snuggle with and a brand new start, would you want to know in advance?

“…he could build on what I’d said in a way that only someone who’d shared a similar experience could.”

Or, his wife has had the experience and has confided enough in him that he can play the part.

He may not be lying to you but he hasn’t been as honorable as you have been. No matter what happens with your marriage, you deserve to give and receive honesty. If that helps get this guy out of your mind – great.

While I’m sorry the new job isn’t as interesting, I’m glad it pays better.

Gotta run, so this is a bit abrupt and for that, I’m sorry. Maybe later I’ll flesh it out but for right now, those are my raw, unfiltered thoughts.

What you didn’t detect was malice. There may not have been any to detect. Vipers are dangerous but they never attack out of malice.

Stick with the facts. With limerence, it isn’t the facts that kill you, it’s the presumption and speculation. Limerence thrives in the latter two and limerents are masters at slanting those to the outcomes we think we want.

The facts are he crossed the line and stayed there. Even if you initiated it, if he was acting in your best interest, he would have shut you down. Kissing you is simply indefensible. My therapist accused me of defending LO #4 after giving her a litany of LO’s less stellar traits.

LO #4 once told me that she thought I had her best interest at heart. I hope she still feels that way but, complicit as she was, I also think she had my best interest at heart. She finally shut me down and that was a good thing for me. She made it easier for me to do the right thing. Anybody who really cares about you will help you do the right thing, even at their expense.

Once you convince yourself he never had your best interest at heart, no contact will be a lot easier. Don’t be surprised if the guilt and shame are replaced with anger, some of which will be self-directed. Anger here is a good thing. You just don’t want to get stuck there.

And, if anything I say goes against what your therapist says, listen to him or her.

Firstly DrL, thanks to this blog that has given me some guidance on how to manage the situation. I really do appreciate all the support I get here.

Personally I didn’t feel his behaviour was predatory, as on several occasions I instigated a hug. I craved them like mad. He may have smelt blood in the water as it were, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to knowing his marriage was struggling (ie there was blood in the water on his side) before all of this kicked off.

The video was interesting, but I really did feel he was being kind. I had seen him go above and beyond what would reasonably have been expected of someone in his role for people he’s only just met, so couldn’t really see him having ulterior motives.

Or maybe the limerence is making me perceive his behaviour as non-threatening. Who knows?!

With regards to trauma bonding, although we haven’t directly addressed it in counselling, the fact our experiences had been so similar definitely played a part in bonding. It felt at times like we were equally broken in similar ways and under similar pressures. The conversations went in such a way that it would be pretty hard for him to make it up – he could build on what I’d said in a way that only someone who’d shared a similar experience could. I actually felt heard and understood, which for someone who spends her life having her small kids ignore the most simple of requests, is massive!!

I got a job working evenings before I quit. Partly as I needed to earn more to fund therapy, and partly because I suspected I was going to have to leave, but wanted to be sure I could cope with the new job before I jumped. The new job is OK. Not as intellectually stimulating but pays better and also feels like I’m making more of a difference to other people. I’ll do this for a few years then who knows.

I’ll add to the chorus that your LO was clearly pushing you to go further.

It could be that he was mutually limerent for you, but doing a worse job than you of managing it with integrity. But anyone who follows up an emotionally-charged conversation about your personal pain with an attempt to get kissy kissy is pretty suspect.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQ6Y3hoKI8U

I don’t know if he was grooming you to be his affair partner but I totally agree with Lee he was definitely pushing the boundaries. Some of his behavior comes across as almost predatory. You could say this was an unintended consequence but I don’t think he can use that explanation. He smelled blood in the water. As bad as it sounds, I was attracted to the blood in the water LO #4 was putting out. It’s kind of like a campfire at night, you never know what might be attracted to the light.

“Are you unhappy?” is a very intimate, powerful, question and one not to be wielded lightly. It can be a real boundary buster and should be reserved for true friends and intimates. Years ago, my cousin was in an unhappy marriage. I asked her if she was happy and she burst into tears. But, she was my cousin and I had a legitimate status to ask. I scrupulously avoided asking LO #4 that question because I was afraid of what effect that might have.

One hug was probably ok, after that, it was gratification for him. I got an email from LO #4 once that said how much she appreciated my emails. I told her it didn’t take a genius to see when somebody needed a hug. The geographical separation for us made things easier in many respects.

This guy is bad news. And, while you were attracted to him, you didn’t succumb to him and that’s a tribute to your character.

Here’s another reason for not disclosing to him:

Don’t give him the satisfaction.