Bob, I agree with Lovisa. It would not be a wise or healthy choice for you to reach out to her now. Especially since she initiated the 1-year break. Reaching out would only set you back in the progress you have made – which you seem to have, good for you!!

She found something to like about you, that proves you are likeable. You can find someone else who does, you just have to keep your eyes open to opportunities and take steps, however small. You can do it!

Well said, MJ, but maybe he should let the feelings settle down first. His obsession seems intense.

Bob M, can you try a relationship with a woman your age? A real relationship might help you move on. You mentioned that your relationship skills aren’t great. Well… maybe it is time to work on those skills.

Best wishes!

@Bob M,

Your story is filled with emotion. I can tell you really like this person. I’m sorry you seem to be hurting so much over the situation now. As limerents we tend to over-do everything when it comes to how we feel about the other person. Sometimes it’s in that smothering for them, that it’s more than they care to take, so you have to learn to strike a balance. Imagine what it would be like if someone fell hard for you like that and loved being with and around you, but you didn’t feel the same? Relationships are hard. Being limerent for someone is even harder, but it seems here your over-obsessing was too much for her. Of course you mean well and want nothing but the best for her but if they’re not feeling it the same, there’s not much left you can do.

It’s been awhile, so maybe there is a way you could reach out as a friend to her, without going over the top, just to check and see how she’s doing. Maybe you can somehow become friends again. You have some years invested into this person and it might do your psyche some good right now. Thereby giving you some clarity and direction. From that, you can decide if she is worth putting more time into or moving on.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. But so many of my LO’s have moved out of my life anyway. I only see them on Facebook, if anywhere. The obsession is long gone but not really being tested like it would if we were in constant contact.

I was ‘friends’ with my LO for about 7 years before limerence took over. I met her on a ‘Last Rites’ trip i had taken to South America (we both live in the USA) and had every intention of ending my life upon my return ,,, but she kept creeping into my mind and i wanted to see her one more time, which led to me setting up a reunion with the group that all met in SA. And without her knowing it she advertently saved me just by being her, she just made me feel happy when i was near her. I did not tell her any of this. We traveled with that small group on several occasions to several countries and US states over a period of a few years. She lives and lived at that time in a different state than I do and other than those few trips I would never see her in person. Our contact was pretty much messaging each other on FB on occasion and the commenting and reactions on that same site. We would discuss such things as intimate as her break-up with her boyfriend, etc. Always had a non-romantic crush on her but never had her on my mind all the time. Enjoyed our Messenger talks and would feel good when she would comment on a FB post or whatever. YES, I never had romantic feelings for her, just wanted to be around her as she lit up the room, was (is) genuinely kind and compassionate, and just made me feel good about myself as I’ve spent most of my adult life lonely and alone (I’m 59) due to both being a nationwide contractor living in strange cities with no local friends and also because i suffer from depression and well, don’t know how to love like normal people (controlling and possessive and I don’t like i turn into that guy) so I’ve usually avoided putting myself into a position where i might meet someone i like romantically. … and then one day my LO (before she was my LO) told me she didn’t feel desired in her current marriage and I made the mistake of crossing the line by telling her i always had a ‘crush’ on her and how sweet and pretty and freaking HOT she is and well, crossed the line with a comment about her naked hotness (and yet i never thought about sex with her and that’s the truth) and BAM she blocked me for 3 months. In that 3 months i literally fell apart, even surprising myself on the giant hole left in my heart she once filled. But she came back into my life and over the following 2 years (2021-2023) we became much closer and talked online all the time and before i knew it I was full-blown obsessed with her, could not get enough of her, could not stop thinking about her 24/7 until she could no longer deal with it. It was she who first introduced me to the word Limerence. Never heard of it, and even then she continued to try to be my friend until it was just too much for her. (Mind you she is married with a young child). Still, I never had a romance-fueled fantasy about her, i just wanted her in the same room with me, and someone I could hug when i needed a hug. I’m a lonely man and i know her attention when i received it was like a drug filled with pure joy when talking to her (never on the phone, only in messages). … she would continue to tell me how unhealthy our relationship was for not only me, but for her, too, until it was no longer feasible for her. She tried, oh how she tried to help me, but i was beyond help as long as we were in contact and ‘we’ (she, but i concurred) decided to cut ties for a year so i could get over her. 8 months later and I’m not obsessed with her but i know i am far from being over her. … i hope one day she and i can be friends but i doubt she would want to, nor does she really have a reason to want to be. … its so f’ing hard, but i hope the day comes when i don’t think about her at all and then MAYBE we can be friends like it once was. … thoughts, or am i too late on this thread?

I turned to heal myself by every means possible and the one I thought was the most effective was Discord Friends. I wasn’t prepared for what I found out.

The reflections and self-assessment I’ve had to do over the last few months had me self-analysing my life. It turns out I don’t even know myself, my true self. It took 5 other poeple on Discord to put me in my place. It seems I have a self-destructive streak in me. Right from that relationship I destroyed once before when I was 20. From there I’ve been destroying my friendships ever since. I’m a “griefer”, seeking sympathy without empathy. I’m Codependent and “need to get my shit together” and judge friendships too quickly. Perhaps I’m just damaged and can’t do this friendship thing after all.

It turns out they are half right. I do indeed seek attention from others. It may be to cushion what’s going on in my life. It is undoubtedly to feel better. It doesn’t work most of the time. I have lost half of my “contacts” on Discord through my own doing. It will soon be 6 out of 10, down to 4. 1 of whom I count to be a true friend. The others I’m still working through to find if they stick and get me and I don’t push them away.

It’s leftover trauma from Limerance. I’m seeking “hits”, I’m honestly trying not to. Subconsciously though I get those hits from bad behaviour and social ineptitude. Mostly destroying friendships before they start. I can’t afford a therapist but realize my behaviours.

I guess I’m just asking if this happened to anyone else.

Speedwagon hi,

“But I still push those boundaries sometimes because I so badly want to have connection with her outside normal office interaction. She typically doesn’t engage back much and after a few brief replies on her part I get the hint and stop.”

Speedwagon, that’s a tell tale text showing you
still have a flicker of hope that your LO might have had some reciprocation even if it was temporarily. And you’re anxious to have that information so you can at least relax and let go of it, ( the LE) that’s tormenting your mind. And what would you do with that information as Limerent Emeritus would ask? Well, I’d say, it will give you a great satisfaction that your endeavors on pursuing LO were not in vain, and that even if it is not possible to consummate it , STILL the feeling that there’s someone that you loved and wanted dearly is there in the world who loves, or loved you back ( somehow), is exhilarating , a sense of peace, and ultimately closure of the whole darned thing! I’m just ruminating for you Speedwagon, ha! It may be the wrong assessment. Forgive my intrusion. I just want LO to show you a little affection , or at least gratitude for your kindness. But that would be fueling the limerence…

Yes, you need to get out of there. Sounds like a toxic place to be each day. Even if LO was being normal with you like any other employee, your being around him is fueling your LE. You probably need to leave the company and him to rid yourself of the limerence. Sounds like the job isn’t all that anyway.

From the opposite perspective, I am the boss to my LO. There are plenty of times she seems to ignore me or act completely indifferent to me that really frustrate me but I would NEVER punish her professionally for it. That seems so cruel and immature to me. I take great care to treat her in a normal fashion professionally.

It’s a bit interesting to me that you purposefully did not text your boss back those times he texted about work matters. Did you perceive texting as a slippery slope that might lead to an EA or potential PA and you did not want to go there? I applaud you for it, that took incredible discipline on your part.

My LO and I have had past texting episodes but not so much anymore. But I still push those boundaries sometimes because I so badly want to have connection with her outside normal office interactions. She typically doesn’t engage back much and after a few brief replies on her part I get the hint and stop. I sometimes wonder how much she is actively trying to kill off texting between us.

Like I know that you are right, and I’m in the process of trying to get out of there. And I know objectively that he has treated me badly, on a lot of different levels. I wish I could forget about him and move on.

What I’m struggling with most is that conflict between knowing the above on a rational level, and then my continued feelings/desire for him, which persists regardless.

Like I’m still fantasising about him, the whole time. And every little thing he does or doesn’t do, hurts. Oddly, it hurts more whenever he is occasionally nice/normal to me, because I’m not sure if he’s pretending, and in a weird way it gives me false hope.

It just feels like I have this entrenched obsession with this man, with whom its clear it will never happen, and who now seems to hate/bully me, and I can’t shake it.

In my scrambled brain, its like, i’m taking his hatred of me as evidence of leftover passion, and feeding off that – like he’s angry because he can’t have me, and that makes me more obsessed.

None of this is healthy, and between this toxic relationship that i can’t (yet) get away from, the resultant joyless stressful slog that is work that I have to face every day, its just wearing me down.

I’m presuming that when I eventually leave and go NC that things will eventually subside and go away. I know I have to prioritise my career, and that is what I am doing by trying to take this job and get out.