Welcome S.J Kim! This site has been an amazing discovery for me as well, and I’m glad you found it and I hope that it helps you as much as it’s helping me

My first question would be whether there are any true barriers to you actually pursuing a relationship with LO? It sounds like you are single. Are they single as well? Are there any ironclad workplace rules against dating colleagues? Or are you holding back primarily out of a fear of rejection and/or rocking the boat amongst your social circle?

Hi S.J. Kim,

The feelings you have are normal and healthy. If the girl is available, it’s okay for you to explore your feelings. Be nice to her. Pay attention to her. Respect her. See if she reciprocates. Stop overthinking it and enjoy life. Romance is awesome! Go get it.

However, I still did not do anything from social media-stalking to bothering the person or stirring the pot of shared friendships and workplace relations that has solicited negative reaction from any of our shared friends or social groups. Not to compliment myself, but if anything, I have been striving to be a more socially pleasant person to be around within her presence despite struggling with depression and anxiety issues typical for someone in my stage of professional training.

Then I recently found out about this concept of “limerence.” It had made me awful because the kind of explanations and short, probably click-baity articles I found online made it sound as whatever I’m going through are just my own mental sickness, product of me being an unhealthy person. All other explanations I have found until your blog and articles seemed to suggest that emotional reactions to “true love” is supposed to be just happy, feel good, makes me feel awesome about myself-I was given the impression that merely because my primary emotional response to having crush on her was more suffering-based, somehow my feelings weren’t even real; it’s probably just a product of me eating too much ramen.

Then by pure chance and luck, I ran across your articles and blog telling me that “The criticism of limerence as false love on the basis that it isn’t as good and healthy as a form of bonding that should only develop from years of authentic intimacy and trust, is misguided at best.” Thank you, although I have no idea who you are, and have zero knowledge of psychology nor human emotions as a subject of therapeutic studies, this made me feel much better about things.

While it’s been a struggle to manage and control my feelings towards my LO healthy ways already, hearing these random venues tell me that my feelings aren’t even real since I don’t even know how to handle my emotions gracefully based on the past decade of having been too busy to work for my degrees felt awful. To the extent I felt that I was getting mocked and ridiculed by people who had written those articles that, “ha, some penniless increasingly less youthful nerd like you suddenly trying to have feelings for someone is mental sickness indeed.” And these writings almost seemed to suggest that “limerence” is not “real love” almost as if because “real love” is only supposed to cause positive emotional responses. Although I’m getting my PhD in medieval history, not human psychology, that felt too stupid, and frankly, catering to a certain kind of narrative fashionable in a neoliberal culture of pathologization to be true.

Writings on this blog has given me much better on the state of my mental health and feelings. I’ll admit that given my inexperience with romantic feelings and relations, what I have been feeling towards my LO is probably far closer to this concept called “limerence” than any genuine “true love”, insofar as one can even make strict distinctions. However, I am putting up the best of my struggle to protect my own integrity, be realistic, respectful, and giving to the person of my desire, and not let these emotions consume me or anyone in negative consequences. Within that, I’m grateful to your writing for allowing me to better understand my feelings rather than making me feel worse for being stressed out about this situation in the first place. All other writings at least available on seemingly less-than-rigorous venues really seemed to suggest as if after 20 years of living as a degree-pursuing robot having spent all my 20s in college library, I should rightfully be self-disgusted at even having feelings for someone else, then getting stressed out about it.

“Limerence is sometimes described as false love. This argument is built on the premise that limerence is largely selfish … is frequently jealous, can involve subterfuge or misrepresentation in attempts to impress LO, and involves involuntary and exaggerated disruption of emotional stability.”

I think the idea that limerence is counterfeit love is a religious (Christian) point of view, and it comes from comparing limerence-based relationships to some cultural ideal of what relationships (usually marriage) should be. I’m not Catholic, but I once read a Catholic writer who said relationships that produce feelings of euphoria aren’t normal. (He was discussing homosexuality).

And, statistically speaking, maybe euphoria-producing bonds aren’t the norm. Plenty of folk don’t ever experience euphoria from a mate or a potential mate. However, I hope theology will one day be tweaked to acknowledge the reality of limerence as a biological phenomenon. Limerence is very hard to moralise about, though, because it’s so paradoxical and mostly unconscious. And all the ethical dilemmas involved might be a headache for the Church/upholders of tradition.

I definitely agree limerence disrupts emotional stability, however. Not sure about the deceit and jealousy part (unless I’m in some kind of deep denial?) I think some people really try hard to be better people to be worthy of their LOs. (The old “love ennobles the heart” trope). On the other hand, limerence is funny in that the heightened levels of shyness/anxiety involved may inhibit intimacy!

“What it does do is powerfully initiate a genuine desire for pair bonding. Priority one: get mated. Whether or not the bond lasts, grows stronger, and matures into a lasting union that is fruitful in every sense of the word, is a secondary concern.”

Yeah, I can see how this aspect of limerence can lead to people having regrets down the road. Limerence can inspire one to jump in without looking. If one has wasted the better part of one’s youth, for example, on “unfruitful limerence”, then one can’t get that time back. The fact that bond doesn’t mature may lead to bitterness, a pungent feeling that one has been cheated, either by LO and/or by the universe. (I wonder – is this how some folk can end up with a victim mentality?)

“This, I think, is where limerence gets its “false love” reputation. An exaggerated and irresistible desire for an unsuitable partner.”

Another potential source of regret. And not knowing why this person (LO) seems to exercise a weird power over one. (Are they a magician? A monster? What is going on? Why can’t I break the spell of enchantment at will?)

Also, people might think stormy, drama-filled relationships are the only kind of relationships possible (verses affectionate bonding) if that’s all they’ve seen in their family tree. People might assume that “intense emotion” and “love” are one and the same. They might become quite dismissive of quieter unions.

“The only way to break the habit seems to be reaching the point where the high has faded to almost nothing, and the suffering has intensified to unbearable levels, and you finally find the will to stop. Unless you don’t start in the first place.”

Yes and yes again. It was only when the high faded to almost nothing that I could start thinking about limerence as a biological thing that happens inside people’s brains. Limerent reverie cuts us off from the outside world. We become islands. My suffering reached “unbearable levels”, but still I wanted to think about LO. Not starting in the first place – beginning to think this is a good approach!