It felt so good reading this! I am discovering myself as a limerent, although I believe in a kind of spectrum in limerence. I did laugh heartily because your style is agile and good-humoured, very nice. The laughing is I realise a sign that I have just identified with something I suffered from without being able to produce a type, now I am sort of identifying myself as a limerent, but I hesitate because of your initial definition saying that the attention is not welcome by the LO (my acronym-alert mind jerked, I always want the full picture, so I mentally produced Limerent Object, that wasn’t too hard, phew). My LO makes me feel like the mad pigeon (that made me laugh so much). Yet, last time I asked directly the question, he said: don’t stop, meaning don’t stop sending your vocal messages. Yeah but LO never replies, has other things to do, so am I limerent or is my LO complex in the lines of the latter perversion you describe, I feel the reply to my question needs to be yes. That does not please me 🙁

I am there. It’s actually worse I believe because somehow you know that there was great potential here that the person did really really like you but you made her run away because of your unresolved attachement pattern and emotional heaviness. Because this adds the GUILT. There was something. And something powerful. The LO even said it..but then something in ME made him run… And this monster inside I have it’s trauma its childhood it’s past life or so ever. And it’s following ME. All the time. I feel anger towards my family especially my mom because she gave me this shitty baggage. Yet I cannot talk to her about it. I feel guilt towards myself. It is indeed very hard to go out of this mental toxic cycle.

I d love to have some recommendations about a good book or YouTube video explaining the neurological patterns of addictions or giving more deep insight about neuroscience machinery behind all of this. I feel that understanding the phenomenon in a more rationalized scientific way (having spend time doing this through the spiritual spectrum now I feel this is not going anywhere now).

Thank you for all these amazing articles.

This makes me think of something that hinders limerents’ recovery from their LO: social media. Everyone says it’s bad to keep checking someone’s social media if you are trying to get over them, but very few discuss in depth why we keep doing it. I know you have already written a post about social media Dr L, but I also think this post is very pertinent. We keep clicking on their profiles if for example we want to interpret how they feel about us, or, if an LE ended, to try to see if they miss us. Maybe once in a while we see a post that gives us that “hit”, that “hey, i think this picture/post/like/whatever maybe means [what limerent wants it to mean].” The reason it is so addictive is exactly because we never know when such a hit will happen, it’s completely intermittent unpredictable reward mixed in with tons of negative reinforcement. PLUS, even more vexingly, when a “hit” is obtained, there’s uncertainty about how to interpret the hit itself – is it actually a reward? Maybe? Maybe not? Totally unresolvable questions since we can not see into LO’s mind.

So, checking LOs media seems like the perfect way to turn us from dignified people into insane pigeons bobbing our heads around in all directions and pecking the button (clicking on their profile) repeatedly in desire for an unpredictable reward in terms of both timing and content. Seen this way, it is easy to understand why it is both highly addictive and a completely losing and self defeating proposition. Awareness of this can help to overcome the urge, at least that’s what I tell myself every time i have the urge to check LO’s social media accounts… that I don’t want to be a dumb pigeon!

I discovered the concept of limerence ten years when I was going through an extreme bout of it that seemed inexplicable to me.

The dopamine rush from a text that pushed all the right buttons etc

I think the nip it in the bud idea is the best.

All the proper friendships and relationships I have formed that have had any endurance had two things in common:

1) There was never any sense of doubt insecurity or longing yet an immediate sense of a door being opened and the thrill being healthy and hearty–not necessarily intoxicated or transfixed

2) There was no superstitious omens or lucky charms or dreamy esoteric thoughts–just simple basic facts that are obvious–and comfortable enough to express our desire confidently without fear or apology

So! When i get the GLIMMER now… i wait. I know it’s coming. That PULL to go back there and face a whack of cortisol when seeing her not there tonight/today/whenever … the jilts and the jolts!

Instead I do what you’ve suggested… i mentally list all my real intentions and purposes in life and since none of them correspond or would suitably accommodate the unlikely inappropriate and boundary breaking scenario that the GLIMMER ignites… i can take this opportunity to NOT BE THAT GUY

Is the plan, as they say

Cheers to all the lims

This site is a gold mine

I am a 70 year serial limerent and although not numerous encounters they’ve surfaced more frequently as I age. Looking younger doesn’t help All heavily packed with anxiety due my vivid imagination.

There are more bonding hormones released in women during sex. It is why men can detach more easily after sex and women can’t. Have you never gone to bed with someone you thought was OK and the next thing you know, you are dying to hear from him? He didn’t become cooler overnight. 😃 It’s that you had sex with him.

“women bond much faster and deeper than men do due to their much larger stores of oxytocin. Their systems flood with it during every romantic encounter, even flirting, depending.”
Not convinced this is correct unless the woman is giving birth or lactating. As I understand it, male and female mammalian brains produce a similar level of oxytocin when they experience a comparative level of arousal.

I’ve recently heard about testosterone being helpful with depression and anxiety- have you found it to be true?

“Limerence aside, women bond much faster and deeper than men do due to their much larger stores of oxytocin.”
I think if there is physicality involved, yes, then women bond faster. But they’ve done studies that men fall in love faster.