Comments on: Flirting

By: Lovisa

Lovisa — Sun, 25 Dec 2022 04:37:57 +0000

In reply to Doug.

Doug,

Try to give her sincere compliments. If she is beautiful, tell her. Listen to her. Care about her feelings.

Keep trying!

By: Marcia

Marcia — Sat, 24 Dec 2022 18:46:52 +0000

In reply to Doug. If you can't flirt, then just be direct. Tell whatever woman you are talking to that you enjoyed meeting her and ask for her number.

By: Doug

Doug — Sat, 24 Dec 2022 18:17:43 +0000

Most of what I read about flirting makes sense from a rational perspective, but unfortunately I am incapable of actually doing it. No matter what anyone tells me, I just cannot actually *express* interest in women I’m sexually attracted to so nothing ever happens. I have lots of male friends who like me, are very introverted and shy, etc., but most of them have been able to attract women on a sexual level. Despite much effort and numerous attempts however, I just can’t do it. I go out to the same places they do, talk to women (at least I try), but nothing ever happens. I‘ve asked my male and female friends what they think my problem(s) might be – they all say I need to actually express interest – but as much as I want to, I just can’t. There appears to be no remedy for this other than to accept, and learn to cope with, the fact that I will never experience authentic intimacy. And no, I won’t pay for it.

By: Dayana

Dayana — Mon, 10 Oct 2022 03:05:28 +0000

Thank you, Dr. L, for this excellent and timely post! I say this bc I’m recently divorced from a long marriage. Haven’t dated since the ’90s. I am in my 60s, but I look younger, and I believe I am attractive. However!! I was laying by the pool at my apt building a few months ago when the Door Dash guy walked by, looking for apt something or other. It was extremely warm outside and he was sweating. He was saying how he wanted to go swimming right then in the pool with me. This is a handsome guy in his 30s, tops. Me, not really thinking, was like, “Yeah, come swimming!” He said, “I’m off work in 20 minutes and I’ll be back to swim with a beautiful woman.” I was like “Cool!”, but I never thought he actually would come back. I left the pool area and went back to my place. I went to my yard to hang my towel up, and there he was turning the corner and saw the towel! I swear, I was scared when he was pounding on my door aggressively and then left a somewhat creepy note at my door with his #. Ugh!!
Believe it or not, I just moved to another apt. I have a landlady that I must say is kind of a druggie and old woman with no teeth, but I’ve lived here for over 20 years, and it is rural, so I guess I’m used to it. I had no idea that when I gave her the time of day when she would be WAITING for me to come home that I was encouraging obsession and limerence in someone I just wouldn’t have figured would begin texting aggressive texts at midnight. (She is the apt manager). Her message to me was: You all right???? I was concerned at first that someone was trying to break in. I replied “Yes, I’m fine. Are you okay?” bc she is toxic and had 3 truck tires slashed. Instead of replying to me, she instead texted: “You sure???” Run outside when I come home and block my entrance so I have to speak with her. She then phoned me a few hours later, and I let her know that she was making me feel uncomfortable and that I love men. I asked her to please stop noting my comings and goings and that she was the manager and that I am the tenant. Instead of denying her feelings or explaining her behavior, she ignored me.
Long story short, I have no idea what someone is thinking! I am warm and responsive and attractive….I think everyone is better than me and that no one is really attracted to me. But they are! I saw my own (projected) desperation of wanting this ray of sunshine to save me from my miserable existence! That was the vibe I have been getting from her. It’s like I can’t be myself bc I do have kind of a magnetic personality and I don’t want others to have limerence like I have spent every decade in since the 80s, at least some of the decade! Thanks

By: Pekulia

Pekulia — Sat, 25 Dec 2021 16:55:34 +0000

In reply to Vicarious Limerent. Agree. I think reminding yourself and your partner that you are attractive to others and they the same means you see them through another' s eyes and you don' t take them for granted. In fact I think it s key to a long lasting relationship. It s also an ego boost and makes you feel sexy which you bring back to your couple and your love making. Flirting with other people as long as your partner feels safe you won ' t act on it and you are not embarrassing them is definitely great for a couple. Esther Perel wrote about this at length in ' the state of affairs'.

By: Marcia

Marcia — Fri, 19 Mar 2021 20:38:55 +0000

In reply to B.

B,
“I know is totally unprofessional and stupid. ”
But wasn’t that why it was fun? 🙂

By: B

Fri, 19 Mar 2021 20:11:57 +0000

In reply to B.

I just happened upon this comment thread today, as I rarely drop by here anymore. I noticed that my original comment above was one year ago today. Wow. That’s ironic, as I’m feeling a particular pull toward LO lately. I would say I’ve been out of my LE for a good 6 to 9 months, but I still see her every day.

We are talking more lately and being more friendly. No flirting necessarily, but it is definitely not just work-related talk. She actually brought up something the other day about something we used to do, probably more than a year ago. We would occasionally have a beer together in the office on Friday afternoons after most everyone else had left for the day, which I know is totally unprofessional and stupid. But I enjoyed it. She obviously did too, which is why she just recently brought it up in a “why don’t we do that anymore” kind of way.
I am fearing a relapse coming on but I am determined not to go back down that road. Life has been so healthy lately.

By: Scharnhorst

Scharnhorst — Fri, 19 Mar 2021 13:38:10 +0000

Article of the Day; https://www.forbes.com/sites/russalanprince/2013/07/23/the-high-art-of-low-cunning/?sh=7e42527a7915

It’s not all that much of a stretch to apply this to flirting.

By: Marcia

Marcia — Fri, 19 Mar 2021 12:57:47 +0000

In reply to B. I wouldn't describe myself as innocent but I am an idealist, and that fits in with limerence in that you idealize the LO and no one else will do. But within the LE ... definitely capable of cunning behavior in order land the LO.

By: Scharnhorst

Scharnhorst — Fri, 19 Mar 2021 12:51:08 +0000

In reply to B.

“That’s what most limerents have about them, a sort of innocence and lack of contrived manipulation…we are kind of childlike that way…which makes us very vulnerable but also quite precious, in my opinion.”

If that’s true, I’m in the minority. I’ve been told that I can be “irresistibly cute ” but never innocent or naive. A college friend said I was “…cold, calculating, mercenary, and possess low animal cunning.” My XO on the sub thought I’d make a great Weapons Officer. He said, “You have just enough sneaky son-of-a-bitch in you to shove a torpedo up someone’s a– and they’d never know what hit them.”

I had a very specific vulnerability that played out as limerence. Limerence isn’t why we behave like we do, limerence is more how we behave under certain circumstances. We’re limerents for one or more reasons.

Also, none of my LOs could be described as innocent or naive. They all seemed to have a pretty good sense of self and what they were doing, but maybe not why their doing it. It added to their appeal. I was attracted to the mildly personality disordered. They reminded me of my mother.