Sounds like a lovely guy who really trusts his wife…/s

Hi Paul,

Women don’t usually get offended, I think, even when not returning attraction. They quite enjoy the attention, as long as you arent creepy about it – which, if you have many female friends, you wouldnt be anyway. I stress that this works even when attraction us not returned.

But importantly, and essentially for someone in your situation, one of the things that starts attraction off can be the sensation or information from someone that they’re attracted. Attraction breeds attraction.

In my current LE, he was clearly attracted and glimmered for that (and other) reasons. Call it egotistical, but there is something very atttactive about someone finding one alluring, captivating, interesting, beautiful……

You might be missing out because of the very reason that you are not signalling attraction. And this seems a shame.

Confidence is also very atttactive but you dont need to be that annoying cocky guy. Many of us are attracted to quiet and introverted types (goodness knows, its my own particular weakness).

This theme has come up here on this blog and in comments in the past so maybe read around attraction based threads on LwL. I am sorry that I cant remember the specific details to point you in the right direction.

Oh, and one more thing, you said that you have had some limerent experiences, maybe even all your romantic desires until now were mostly limerent experiences? Limerence per se is a terrible predictor of a successful romantic match, as in, it might work, but feeling that way about someone is non predictive for success. So basing who you get close to on whether they glimmer in that way for you is not a strategy to pursue. Other things like normal attraction, shared interests and ‘getting’ eachother emotionally, are better predictors of a successful long term bond.

I hope this helps. HNY!

I was thinking of the nebulous category of “maybe” (as opposed to “hell, yes.”) I had a friend who was married but not happy and she became very close friends with another guy. For 2 years, lots of texting, lunches and “I love yous,” but he never made a move on her physically and never asked her to leave her husband, which she would have. This guy’s behavior was very confusing. I don’t think he was lying to her or playing her. He was getting something out of their friendship, but he didn’t want any more than what they had (he was single). For a limerent, this kind of behavior is very confusing. Limerents wants the whole 9 with someone but forget there are people who only want 4.5.

Marcia,
“That is so true Marcia. If only the idiotic ever hopeful limerent part of my brain would accept this. ”
Oh, I have been there so many time, making so many excuses … but, but, but he said this …. but, but, but he did this. Meant nothing. I’ve learned that anything less than a “hell, yes!” is a no. This is true even if the person is with someone else. If they aren’t moving things forward with you (universal you), they are choosing the other person. Dabbling in flirtation and/or texting/calling/emailing but not moving things forward does not count.

“there are no “shades” of no.” “I’m interested, but I’m not acting on it” is still a no”
That is so true Marcia. If only the idiotic ever hopeful limerent part of my brain would accept this. But if it did, I would be utterly miserable d*** it.
LEs are just a lose-lose scenario whichever way you handle them aren’t they. Mental note, don’t become limerent again!

Allie,
It’s consummation or nothing. The rest is just flirtation or killing time.

@Allie1

“Life has taught me that if you have prolonged uncertainty about whether someone is interested then the answer is no.”

With most questions, for example “Do you want coffee?” anything other than “Yes” is a default “No” and those are the only two valid answers to the coffee question. It doesn’t mean, “Is there coffee?” Will you make coffee?” “I want coffee.” It took a marriage counselor to make me understand that when asked by my wife, it could be more nuanced. ​There are still only two valid answers but I learned that battle wasn’t worth fighting.

So much uncertainty can be eliminated by knowing how to ask the right question and not accepting responses when you want answers. If you want uncertainty, keep things vague. If you want to amp it up, be a little Passive-Aggressive at it. There’s nothing like a Passive-Aggressive petulant to keep someone on their toes.

Slightly tangential…Passive-Aggressive petulants can be no small amount of amusement if you know how to handle them and they can’t cause you any real harm. But, that game can get really old really quickly and they can stick to you like gum on your shoe.

One time LO #2 went into one of her periodic PA snits. She caught me on an off day and I started batting her (rhetorically) back and forth like a ping pong ball. She couldn’t stand up to me. When it came to dealing with PAs, I grew up with them and I dealt with experts PAs in the Navy. She literally backed herself into a corner of her kitchen and said, “DON’T TALK TO ME LIKE I’M ONE OF YOUR SAILORS!!!”

I told her, “Then quit acting like one of my sailors.”

But, I have to say this about LO #2. Whenever I asked her a direct question, she gave me a direct answer or enough of one that I could work with. She never waffled. Not once.

Q: Will you marry me?
A: No, I won’t marry you.

Q: When are you moving back?
A: I don’t think I am.

Q: Do you want to get back together?
A: No.

Q: Will this relationship ever be what I want it to be?
A: No. You should find some sweet young thing who adores you and not waste your time with a crusty old broad (33) like me.

Q: So, what you’re telling me is that I’m a pretty decent guy and there are some things you really like about me but you want to look around some more and if you don’t find anything you like better, you might come back and settle for me?
A: There’s some truth to that.

Taken in summation, no uncertainty there.

In contrast, LO #4 was often vague in her response to my questions, if she responded to them at all.

Allie,
“Life has taught me that if you have prolonged uncertainty about whether someone is interested then the answer is no.”
Yep. If months and months go by and you still don’t know, you have your answer. Most of the time, the answer is right in front of us. We just chose to ignore what’s right in front of us. And to me, there are no “shades” of no.” “I’m interested, but I’m not acting on it” is still a no.

I agree Lee.
For me, it is not about whether LO is limerent or not, it is whether they have romantic feelings for me, and that they want to explore a relationship with me. Mutual limerence occurring, being consummated and resulting in lasting love is so unlikely that it is just an unrealistic pipe dream and does not factor at all for me. Not sure I would want to have a limerent SO either as they are certain to become limerent for someone else eventually.
Life has taught me that if you have prolonged uncertainty about whether someone is interested then the answer is no.