„So my suggestion is that it is best not to rush the decision until you get more clarity either way. Frustrating as that may be“

The funny thing is how I can see him sometimes like in the past, not care too much but be fond of him, and generally see him in a positive light, and then suddenly the dark glasses are on again. The thing discerning this from limerence is that I don’t think much of him/it, only when there was a call like now or if I read/write here. It doesn’t alter my day to day feelings/happiness at all and isn’t much in my thoughts.
Still, it’s not back to normal with him. I wondered if it would help like back in limerence, to fake it til I make it- envisage how I would behave if I would feel like I wish to feel (indifferent but fond)and go through these motions.
The thing is, I’m tired of putting even more energy into this relationship.

„The fact I still want to work it out is because I had that long-time template for sensibly being friends with her before I was limerent, not because of the false amplified version it became during limerence.“
Same here, that’s what’s similar with us but seems not possible for me somehow.
But I’ve got more hope for you since your friendship seems more flexible and mature than mine.

I know I nudged you in the direction of merging the worlds in the past because I thought maybe that’s what would resolve the „special“ feeling about LO, or lead to a very normal friendship, but now I take that back. It seems to go well as it is, and maybe best not to force anything.
For me it sounded as if you are already there, keeping your boundarized friendship? What is it that still feels like limerence to you?

To Miss Cloud:

I dream about LO often and it rattles me.

I actually find I do better if I DON’T spend a lot of time trying to figure it out.

Of course you should do what’s best for you.

Hello Cloud. Sorry to hear you are feeling low.

In my case also, the interaction frequency with LO is much reduced, so that is working to my benefit, less interactions = less rumination.

This reduced frequency will allow you to make progress in getting over the LE, hang in there.

Wish you all the best!

I’ve never had a dream about my LO, so I can’t help you there. I have had a dream about physical connection with someone I have only actually “met” on Zoom and never consciously considered to be attractive before the dream. That was interesting. Who will be the Carl Jung of our century? Paging Dr. L…

Try chatting through your feelings with ChatGPT. It has made my LO obsolete.

MJ

“I think some of this apprehension is me trying to wrap my brain around something possibly happening here.”
That feels like a good realisation to come to with yourself.

“I know it isn’t mandatory I bring this Woman in on that situation in the next 60 seconds. Its just a part of me that has to be dealt with”
I pick up from your posts how much time and headspace the care situation with your Dad takes up. If there is a way it doesn’t have to block your dating prospects totally though, try to find it. And you are right that nobody you date has to be brought in on it any hurry. Nearly everyone in midlife has ‘stuff’ going on. Anyone worth their salt will know to expect it with people that enter their lives.

Hi Mila,

I’m annoyed for you to hear that you’ve had another lap of the snailhouse, but maybe these laps are just necessary, as you are not firm yet on whether you want to let him go, or are able to accept him for what he is on some level of friendship, or again whether he can change the way he approaches it (though probably not the last one from what I gather). So my suggestion is that it is best not to rush the decision until you get more clarity either way. Frustrating as that may be.

“if what made the friendship seem special and precious was simply this, that it was completely in a SOfree world and something only for you alone?”

No short answer to that …

There’s a part of me that instinctively tries to deny it, another part that mostly accepts it, and the truth that probably lies between.

The big bit of evidence against – I knew LO and was already solid friends with her (though mostly just at work then) before I met SO. There is a more boundaried version of friendship that worked well between us then, and seems to be Ok again now.

Then there is the version of the ‘friendship’ during my limerence, which was too close and escalated and continued for reasons of escapism. It gets complicated there (in respect of your speculations) because it was not escapism from SO per se, but more escapism from pressures that the pair of us were under together. Some of that we self inflicted, more of it was that we weren’t dealing great with pressures that extended family members on both sides were putting us under (still are, but we are coping better with it now).

But yeah, there was a pure escapism component to the LE that I won’t even try to deny.

So mapping out new territory (based a bit on old templates) is taking some time. The fact I still want to work it out is because I had that long-time template for sensibly being friends with her before I was limerent, not because of the false amplified version it became during limerence.

Before limerence, I didn’t actively work to keep SO and LO apart (they met briefly on odd occasions both before and even during my LE). It is more that my circle of friends with SO are largely outside my work circle. I could change it if and when I was so minded. It needs more time though. And some posters on here have argued that maybe it is never realistic for (in general, not just me) xLO and SO to be socialised without an unhelpful ‘something in the air’ being present. That your SO and xLO can be socialised more ‘normally’ is possibly because you had the pre-LE experiences of doing that.

LaR, Mila, Marcia,

Thank you all for your responses. You are wise to suggest I take more critical action here. Seeing somebody actually sitting across from me, actually drinking coffee would be like a dream come true. I have wanted that for quite awhile. I think some of this apprehension is me trying to wrap my brain around something possibly happening here. Because in a way, this is what feels like normal relationship blossoming. I’m so used to being in some limerent, hyper-fazed, gotta have her like yesterday mentality. I mean with LO, I would have stopped traffic and with LF, I would have jumped over the moon. Its like those 2 were must-haves and this new person comes along and just shows up without any bells or whistles. Making me question, is something real about to finally jump off? Isn’t healthy relationship just that? Relating to a person and not being so over the top for them? I feel like this is where I am.

I know I keep coming back to this, but the situation with my Father is really quite ugly at times and its one that I don’t really like bringing others in on. Because it can feel and actually be so very overwhelming at times. I know it isn’t mandatory I bring this Woman in on that situation in the next 60 seconds. Its just a part of me that has to be dealt with, and it comes with a responsibility to own it. I’m not wild about always having to tell this person, I’m probably not going to be as available as I would to be, because that situation is so up and down.

These are the kinds of things I miss about having a Wife. Because I know exactly how she would be today in helping me deal with these things. Sometimes thats just a very hard pill for me to swallow, having to basically do a lot of this by myself. I remember and know exactly how she would be today, if she were still actually my Wife. I get that I shouldn’t keep pissing and moaning about that, but its more regret for being a buffoon of a Husband.

Hi LaR,

ok, so I gather that you are still a bit in the woods (if there’s „out of the woods“, there must be inside of the woods too, no?)since you cannot yet imagine mixing LO and SO world.
Maybe you don’t have to, maybe it’s easier to simmer everything down to mere friendship without the added stress of mixing your compartments, and once it‘s simmered down it ceases to matter if they mix?
The question might be if what made the friendship seem special and precious was simply this, that it was completely in a SOfree world and something only for you alone?
(I have no idea, just throwing it out there.)

Me, I had a longish phone call from XLO and now feel bad afterwards. I wasn’t prepared and my first reaction when I saw who was calling, trained by months of vilifying XLO, was aversion. It would have been better to call him back later with some resolve to be normal and nice, but my kids already said „look, … is calling“ so I had to answer.
I mentally criticized him during the whole call and he was showing his worst sides too (talking only about himself and his woes, not asking how I am etc, complaining about money (he‘s got enough)). In the end I got really annoyed (he was talking simultaneously to someone in the background and me at length) and ended the conversation on a curt note. Then I felt bad, because I did it again, I didn’t detach but judged him, instead of just leaving him be how he is. I can do that very well with other people, but not (yet or any more, that’s the question) with him.

I don’t like the person I become with him at the moment. I get judgy and a bit mean. I think he might show his worse sides too because he feels that I’m being like that- not sure about that though.
Basically it’s like it’s always been – if I don’t initiate good mood, if I’m not proactive and forthcoming, he won’t initiate anything either.
Same old, same old.

It’s just like I said to Imho, onyx, ABCD: I feel worst afterwards about my own behavior, not about LOs behavior.

I still haven’t managed to let go completely of this friendship or to completely cease to expect stuff he cannot give, or even to decide if I want this friendship at all if he cannot give this stuff.
Sometimes I think I managed to not care any more, but then I get these moments of regret after contact.
I will see him soonish in his area of the country- not sure how that will play out.

So that was my update on „keeping friendship after limerence“- doesn’t look too good…

ND,
“I absolutely loved Jason Statham’s performance in that spy movie with Melissa McCarthy. Other than that, I have only seen snippets of his action movies, which leave me completely cold.”
Completely agree. He basically makes action movies for straight dudes. They won’t do much for most women. 🙂 But he had a lot of personality in Spy.

MJ,
“From the get-go this person flat out told me to be in no hurry to take her out. I never asked why or wtf?”
I would not have asked why. That would have been awkward, and she doesn’t really owe you an explanation.

“I do kinda like her.”
You kinda like? She said to be in no rush? What here is drawing you in?

“At some point I will post about a date and surprise you. Guess I’m just hesitant because of the unexpected.”
What would be unexpected?

“Yes I do have kids and its that whole idea of things actually working out and families meeting and just all that long term stuff I think about”
No, I meant that if you have kids, you can’t hold it against someone else who does, too. But it’s too early to worry about the merging of families.

“Thank you for taking time to always get back to me. I know we like to have our fun jabbing each other often but you do give me a lot to think about. I make mental notes and I do appreciate it. Please do not ever think I don’t.”
I appreciate that. You know I like to razz you but I do hope you find someone nice to go out with.
I don’t know what kind of stuff you’re texting each other. Anything juicy? Spicy? Sexy? Very personal about your lives? Or is it basic conversation ?
If you want to get your feet wet in terms of dating again and have a coffee date with someone, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking her out. But I would keep my expectations low for this. And in terms of future babes 🙂 … don’t you want to date someone who’s a little more excited about you? I want that for you.