Haha – yes Mila, or the dreaded “licking the bowl” afterwards. Its chocolate. With icing. Aaagh!!!! I shouldnt have brought it up😬 as i dont want you to ‘fall off the wagon’

The gorilla is out of the cage……

Bewitched,
„Less dessert“ isn’t „no dessert“!
So a slice should be ok especially when you baked it yourself, you have to test the result! (Just maybe don’t eat too much dough while baking as I‘m prone to do🙈)

Hi Gareth,
This is an embarrassment free zone. What you describe doesnt sound sad at all. It could all work out great this Summer, although being limerent and paired with a non limerent can be tough for both sides. There are lots of blogs about this in the blog archive….
The connected feeling you have is also no indication of your LOs suitability for you. Its a trick of tbe limerent mind, nothing else. True connection takes time and familiarity… , many more blogs are available on this – you’re already reading voraciously I’m sure.

The intrusive thoughts phase of limerence is very distressing. Dr L says that our minds are altered during limerence, particularly in most intense phase, and it sounds you are going through it. The executive brain can see that it is madness to feel and act this way but the limerent brain does as it pleases.
Many therapists dont understand limerence which isnt great if you have other issues that you are having therapy for(anxiety etc).

Gareth, to try to distract myself from my LO today, I am going to bake a cake for my husband. I am breaking my “less dessert” rule that I made in solidarity with Mila, but I will only have a small slice. What are yoy going tondo to distract yourself (it has to be fun)? Just a few minutes of fun, even?

Keep posting and reading Gareth. You will find a lot of support here.

Your responses are great. Personally, I feel like I am coming out again. I have been carrying this weight on my shoulders for years, and now I feel able to discreetly talk about it, albeit on a forum … but still. So thank you for listening.

My LO lives at the other end of the UK from me. But the attachment I feel towards him is so powerful. I have only met him three times, however we are in contact quite a lot. Me in contact with him much more. He suggested we meet up and travel over the holidays during the summer. I am holding onto this with all my strength … it is ridiculous I know. He is non commital, but I am holding onto that tiny glimmer of hope. So sad!

Thank you for taking the time to talk to me. I haven’t been able to discuss this with anyone else … as I feel embarassed, and I wasn’t sure what was going on myself.

I am happy that I have found this website.

I am also sending you hugs!

Hey Gareth,
Its classic that limerence strikes when we have other struggles. That is what happened to me. Close family members with serious/terminal illnesses. My limerence struck, despite having a wonderful husband.
Looking back, I can see this was my release valve to ruminate/fantasise about something that gave me a lotmof pleasure, initially, and I would actually say that it took me thrpugh some dark times in my life.

“And I see no way out. But these thoughts alone make me anxious, as I don’t necessarily want to see a way out … I want to be with him”

Yeah. I felt this too. Probably still do, most days. Except I have a husband who I want more. Even if there is a massive confusion in my head about holding both thoughts together simultaneously.

Still, maybe you can tell your self that a ‘down ramp’ off this excruciating phase into domething more manageable is a good compromise? The fact is the only way to do that is to force yourself to think less about him, using every distraction tactic you can. Its hard, so hard. But you have trained your brain on him and now need to slowly untrain it. One minute at a time one hour at a time, one day at a time….

By the way, you sound very accomplished. You have a lot to be proud of. His validation of you is a concept that needs to go in the bin.

Sending more hugs.

Hi Bewitched,

Many thank for your response. It means a lot to me. I’d confidently say the worst part for me is the intrusive thoughts. It leaves me with an almost constant fussy and clouded head. My LO is definitely non limerent and non commital, which in itself is feeding my limerence. I am working at reducing the intrusive thoughts, and working to contact him less. I don’t want to cut out contact, as I am holding onto the glimmer of hope that we meet up during the summer (which he suggested!)
How do I feel about myself? I am physically fit. I can run walk cycle and swim endlessly. I have a fantastic social network, and a great family. I have survived cancer, and I have been to many places in the world, and I will soon qualify as a teacher. So I know I have some strength. But my relationship with my LO makes me feel so unworthy, confused, let down, disappointed, disillusioned, unsure, unwanted, uncertain, weak, poor, unable … I cannot describe it.

Hi Mila,

Thank you. The information is helpful. I have a long road and process ahead of me. But I am doing it with the support of my therapist, friends and family. I don’t ever want to cut contact with my LO. I just wish I could manage my emotions better.

Hope you are having a lovely day Mila.
Gareth

No Gareth,
you are definitely not alone.
Your “symptoms” are all too familiar. I’m sorry you are struggling. Three years is a long time. There are people here on LwL who have longer stories, believe it or not. As you point out, the key to recovery is cultivating the desire to let go of LO. Easier said than done though, right? If you are not ready for that, you may just need strategies to manage what sounds like a pretty severe case of intrusive thoughts.

Dr L’s emergency deprogramming has worked in getting other through this intrusive thoughts phase. It can be found on the homepage of this site. I think the emergency course is free to use. I never used it as I had already passed through the most severe stage by the time I reached this site/community. Most people don’t stay at that phase forever, limerence seems to progress (curdle?) into something more low-level painful but also more manageable. Though, it has to be said that some effort to control your own thoughts, rumination, reverie, obsessive checking of phone etc is required.

In addition, hopefully by reading and connecting with us here, you will learn to understand (for yourself) what is happening to you, and some strategies for managing through it. It sounds as though your LO is non limerent and non commital. Some of Sammy’s posts may be helpful. He also happens to be a funny guy.

Sending hugs.

Hi Gareth,

just want to say welcome! Don’t know if I can help much, but I definitely feel with you and am sure you will find helpful information on this site.

Hi ABCD,

it’s easier when LO behaves cold than warm and forthcoming.
I’m “lucky” to have a LO who has to get over himself to say something nice or warm if it’s not in reaction to something I said or wrote. At the moment I‘m honestly glad about it.