Hi Jonathan,

I think we learn best through stories. I think you should see the 1996 movie The Daytrippers as it might give you, the viewer, some insights into what your situation looks like to outsiders. It’s been many many years since I saw it, but Stanley Tucci’s acting in the scene where he is confronted about an affair by his wife is just so perfect on so many levels.

Thanks Mila,

It does make a lot of sense. And it’s the conclusion I’m coming to. Take her at her word and revaluate IF she comes back.

Thanks for your perspective.

I watched your latest YT video “Why Desire Fades”. And I have to say … you are the king of the clever segue. Maybe that can be your nickname? “Tom, King of the Clever Segue”? 😜

I feel the cultural conversation around limerence has reached a certain point. And when I say the “cultural conversation around limerence”, I naturally mean the conversation I’ve having with myself on the subject. Culture does of course revolve around me. I am culture. I have ten million people living in my head. 🤣

All kidding aside, you used to be chasing the cultural conversation a little bit. Now you’re leading the cultural conversation. However, you’re only leading the conversation by a tiny bit. You’re not so far off ahead that people have no idea what you’re talking about. You’re exactly where you need to be. Well done!

In case you’re wondering where I picked up such an arcane term as “segue”, oh dang, I don’t know. I think I read it in a Jacqueline Susann novel once. Yes, my life is sad. I spend my days reading Jacqueline Susann novels and writing music criticism of the latest output from Taylor Swift. And when I say Taylor Swift, I mean Sabrina Carpenter. And when I say Sabrina Carpenter, I mean Christina Aguilera. Honestly, all those ladies have blonde hair, and I can’t tell them apart. Makes my imaginary day job (music critic) a living hell. I can remember who Katy Perry is, though. She was smart enough to choose a different hair colour! 😊

Clever segue incoming: want to know who’s white-hot and also super-underrated right now in the world of music? Miley Cyrus. I don’t even like women, but currently I have all the time in the world for Miss Cyrus. She’s in her “bisexual rock chick” era, and I’m loving every minute of it. She has a song out now called “Every Girl You’ve Ever Loved”, which I think deserves to be the Sapphic anthem of the 2020s, if not the Sapphic anthem of the twenty-first century.

Here are some lines:

I turn you on and set your heart on fire
I give you every single colour that there is
In a flame burning with desire…

Tell me the girl isn’t singing about limerence – the limerence she’s hoping to inspire in another woman. And the bitterest irony of all? The woman she’s supposedly smitten with in the song doesn’t return feelings. Miley is singing about how she embodies “every girl” the other woman has ever loved. But embodying “every girl” the other woman has ever loved somehow still isn’t enough. Anguished longing ensues. Limerence limbo. You know the drill. 🤣

The song is also of interest because it features living legend and 90s supermodel, Naomi Campell. Naomi both features on the track itself in a speaking part and appears in the music video. A rare treat for Anglophiles, I should think. 🙂

LaR,
“but instead wanting to be the women who causes him – for himself – to want to tame (because no-one else matters now).”
Something like that, I guess.
I find the whole rescue fantasy yucky and incredibly unsexy. It’s very arrogant. To think you (universal “you”) have your sh*t together enough to not only manage your own issues/problems but also determine someone else’s. Most people are pretty flawed and have enough trouble getting themselves together. Unless you’ve done … idk … Dalai Lama-level work on yourself.
Ah, I just Googled him up and actor Richard Gere came up, too. They’re friends. Gere is a Buddhist. Gere’s a good example. He exudes a kind of primal, sexual energy. At least in movies. Landing his archetype.

Marcia,

So it’s a slight change in your ideal from what DrL said – not so much about wanting to tame him (as an end in itself to somehow ‘fix’ him, like rescue fantasy equivalent) … but instead wanting to be the women who causes him – for himself – to want to tame (because no-one else matters now).

https://youtu.be/AM-b8P1yj9w?si=N2OuZjcY_hdwbNvb

In all seriousness, anyone with any experience with domestic abuse, gambling, drug, alcohol addictions involving partners knows the craziness of the relationship.

LaR,
“I saw on one of DrL’s videos that the female equivalent of rescue fantasy is thinking that you can tame a man’s wild, wayward habits (bring them under control) …”
It’s not so much that you want to control him. That’s how your side interprets things. 🙂 You want him to be there of his own free will.
It’s the fantasy of the man who could have anyone and he picks you. And all other women cease to exist.

Marcia,

I saw on one of DrL’s videos that the female equivalent of rescue fantasy is thinking that you can tame a man’s wild, wayward habits (bring them under control) …

[I have a sense you won’t agree 🙂]

I’d like to HELP men or women save themselves. If able, I’d like to help anyone find a suitable direction for them, but they NEED to walk their own steps.

No one can or wanna be another’s psychological 🦯. Only one’s Internal God (spirit, mind or psychology) is/can be one’s authentic saver.

LE,
“There’s nothing so alluring as a damaged soul you’re sure you can fix.”

That’s for you male limerents. That’s has zero appeal to women. I have literally never heard a woman say, “I want to save a man.”

“A man with a plan is a sexy man.” That’s for the females. 🙂