I am not sure where to start my limerence story. I am 40+ year-old closeted gay, living a happy and content life. I don’t have any partners and I have been living single. One fine morning in April or May this year, I stepped out of my flat to get a coffee from a near-by café, and on my way to the café, I saw a gorgeous-looking young man, who appeared to be in his early 20s, go past me. I thought to myself how charming that guy was(I refer to him as Mr.Charming in this post). Then I returned home with my coffee, joined work calls on laptop, and I completely forgot about the guy. So, there was hardly any recollection of that guy from that point onwards. After about two weeks, I again went to get my morning coffee from the same café, and I happened to see the same Mr. Charming and this time from up close. I found him even more handsome and charming than the first time. Like the first time, I returned home, enjoyed my coffee and got busy with remote calls while working from home. I did not think about that guy at all for next few weeks. I had absolutely no idea who he was, where he worked, where he lived, of what heritage he was etc.

In June, I went overseas for 3 weeks; and upon my return, I was busy looking for a new job. Around mid-August, I had two job offers – one with company A and another one with company B. I was all in on joining the company B, but there was a last minute change of heart. And, I ended up joining company A because that office location is just across the road for me. On my first day at work, there was a series of introductory meetings. I was attending one such meeting and, for some reason, just peeped out from the glass wall in the meeting room and I saw a glimpse of Mr. Charming walking past the meeting room. My initial reflex was that it was a figment of my imagination. Maybe I was under some illusion and, surely, that could not be Mr. Charming. I did not see the guy for next few days. So far so good. After a week or so, I happened to see the guy from about 8-10 metres and this time there was no doubt, it was Mr.Charming.
I was staggered by this coincidence that the guy I saw on the street was going to be my colleague and sat on the same level as I was. Not sure if it was some sort of premonition or clairvoyance, I wanted to avoid bumping into Mr.Charming just in case I get too fascinated by him. At that point, I hardly knew a word such as “limerence” existed in the dictionary. Unwittingly, I went too hard and too soon. At all costs, I wanted to avoid any potential repeat of obsession that I had experienced with a couple of other guys more than 10 years ago. So, I started avoiding any contact or chance encounter with this person. Up to this point, I was in total control of myself. After a week or so, I started experiencing early symptoms of Limerence. As days rolled on, I continued to avoid this guy, but it was getting increasingly difficult for me to stop thinking about him. To add to my woes, I happened to bump into this guy on a Sunday while I was out for shopping. On one other occasion, when I was returning home from a daylong visit to a different site, out of reflex, I looked at the entrance of our office (because the office was enroute to my home), guess what? I saw Mr.Charming out of the office. With each sighting of him, my limerence level kept rising. After a week or so, this guy was away from work for a few days and hence there was no distraction for me. However, a part of me was missing his absence – so much so that upon his return to work after a week, as soon as I saw him, my heart throbbed so fast as if I had a heavy dose of caffeine. That was the first time I experienced how strong the phenomenon of limerence I was sucked into.

That was the first time I realised how deeply I was into the state of limerence. With each passing day, my obsession kept growing and now my sleep was getting affected. I started waking up at 3 am or 4 am and found difficult to go back to sleep. Through out this time, I remained avoiding my LO, and I did not have a single direct encounter wherein we faced each other. Around this time in early October, I sensed that my LO observed I was avoiding him as there were two awkward moments when I turned my eyes away from him — to the point of being construed as a rude prick. In mid-October, to my utter consternation, the mother of all coincidences occurred. The LO’s job role was changed and as part of his new role, he had to move his work location. Incredulously, his new desk was just next to mine and our desks were such that we face each other while working. This was the final straw that broke camel’s back. While I could avoid eye contact and chance meetings while he was sitting a few desks aways, from mid-October onwards that was untenable and I had no where to hide. So, I started greeting him “good morning” and “good bye” and he reciprocated and vice-versa. In the last two months since he moved his desk, he has been looking at me at times as if to suggest why I don’t go beyond greetings. Whole of this period, I never had any romantic or sexual fantasies involving my LO. But what is undeniable is that I am profoundly in limerence with him and I am still in awe of his gorgeous looks. And I also have a strong belief that he is straight and has a girl friend. What is more, I gathered that Mr.Charming has the same heritage (racial origin) as that of mine.

With this background, I don’t know what to do. My limerence and fascination with this guy is untenable – not just in terms of realism, but from moralistic angle as well. On any criterion — age, sexual orientation, physical appearance — there was hardly any match between us. So, having any relationship with this guy was never on my mind. So that baffles me even more why I continue to suffer from this malignant influence of limerence. I am like a dog that chases a car. So, I don’t know if that guy does start speaking to me, what I am going to do.

For the first few weeks after this guy relocated to my opposite desk, my limerence seemed to have faded — at least, that is what I thought. But I was patently wrong: my sleep patterns have changed in last two months or so. I have been waking up too early and finding it difficult to return to sleep again. With no romantic urge or sexual gratification of any sort, I just don’t see what is the point of my limerence?

In a way, I brought this upon myself. I always had the hubris that emotionally I was so balanced that nothing could faze me as I have always been good at moving on from unpleasant or painful episodes due to my varied interests in sports, music, literature, politics etc. The events in the last three months have shone a light on how vulnerable (emotionally) I had always been, and thoughts on a complete stranger could render me this helpless. I always thought relationships were never my thing and I still firmly believe that I have no interest in pursuing a relationship — even with Mr. Charming. That is why all this suffering feels completely pointless.

Eros, Marcia, Allie – are any of you still on the blog? If you see this message I’d love an update from any of you, especially Eros: did you get over your LO? was it ever resurrected? This reply is a shot in the dark after 2+ years but the similarities with my situation are so uncanny I’d love to learn from your experience.

Would you want to be in a relationship where your love would be okay with you not trying to work it out with the mother of your child? The love of your youth? It would be hard to trust in that situation and the statistics are abysmal when a new relationship starts on the ashes of another. Choose to love.

Jaideux,

When I reconstructed the dynamics of that relationship and learned about PDs and Attachment Theory, the combination of circumstances that supported that relationship are almost too out there to be believed. But, it happened. The therapist asked if I was aware of what was going on, why did I hang around so long? Short answer, it was my first adult relationship and I had nothing to compare it to. My parents were the poster children for dysfunctional marriages. Collectively, they went 0-5.

When LO #2 was on, she was great. She was always charming company when we went out and my family my superior officers’ wives positively loved her. My grandmother blamed me for letting her get away and that I “must have done something terrible” for her to decline my marriage proposal and move across the country. My grandmother referred to my wife as “the little blonde gold digger.”

In my late 20s, an attractive, intelligent, charming, self-sufficient avoidant willing to trade sex for friendship wasn’t a cause for concern. She was a Gift from Heaven. It never occurred to me that she could be more screwed up than I was.

The therapist said that LO #2 declining my marriage proposal was probably the nicest thing she ever did for me although she didn’t do it to be nice.

Asking her to marry me was the biggest mistake I ever made that I didn’t have to pay for. In the 4 years we were together, I easily dropped $20K-$30K on her. The jewelry alone was over $10K. Let’s assume I was getting laid 1/week for 3 years. We’ll round to 150 total in those 3 years to make the math easier. At $30K, it was $200 a lay. I don’t know what hooker rates were in the 80s but I’m sure I could a really good time for that amount of cash.

The EA with LO #4 was probably the second biggest mistake I made that I didn’t have to pay for.

When folks with NPD find someone they can control they hold on to them for dear life and even though they treat them horribly, they are so skilled at manipulation the victim is scared to leave and feels so honored to be chosen that they semi-willingly stay in the trap…often for life.
Aren’t you glad you aren’t in her miserable cage?

In the “You Can’t Make This Stuff Up” Dept:

I was married to another woman within a year after LO #2 went beyond redemption. LO #2 got engaged less than I year after I got married and married a year after that. There’s some evidence she might have stolen her one-time roommate’s BF (entirely possible based on past performance) but that’s circumstantial. They moved back to Seattle and he went to work for the guy (a professional contact, later a convicted felon) who introduced me to LO #2. When I’d have contact with him and another professional contact we shared, I get periodic updates on her.

The guy who introduced us said they were getting a divorce after less than 3 years. He said her STBX was shell-shocked and didn’t know what hit him. The STBX said it was like a switch flipped in her. I could believe it.

LO #2 told me to my face that she couldn’t control me (“control” came up twice in memorable conversations) and said that her greatest fear was to grow old and die alone (LO #2 said she didn’t want to end up like one of her aunts) which makes me wonder about her Ex and, later, how she could last a a decade with the guy she ended up marrying a few years ago (If FB can be believed, he’s my clone.)

Did she change for the better? Did she settle to help ensure she didn’t grow old an die alone? Or, did she find an acceptable guy she could control?

Not my problem but it’s kind of fun to speculate on.

Lee if the limerents of this world would realize that the LO is not a soulmate and there is NPD at play, and to get sucked into the soulmate myth is just plain old unhealthy, we would be in a prime position to run for the hills early on and save our sanity.
Maybe a good reminder for next time…

That’s fascinating Scharny.
In an abusive relationship without realizing it. And also the learned NPD traits (defenses?). This is giving me pause….

On a side note, after reading the history of the relationship, the therapist that knew LO #2 said it was an abusive relationship. I told her I knew I can be difficult but I never realized I was abusive.

She said, “I wasn’t talking about you.”

I told her that I didn’t see it that way. The therapist said that given my background that wasn’t surprising and compared to what I’d witnessed as a child, LO #2 was a saint. But, it was still an abusive relationship and I probably never saw LO #2 at her worst.