It doesn’t have to be a disclosure how crazy you are for that person but just a fairly straight forward tactful indication that you’d like to “test the waters” for a more serious relationship going forward.

At my workplace colleagues go out for lunch/coffee all the time and that really doesn’t mean much as far as a romantic thing goes. That’s why you have to make your intentions fairly clearly known when you get the chance. Or else “just” constant lunch/coffee meetups will leave you in limbo.

The key then is if the answer to escalate to a romantic date is no, then drop it. As someone who as worked and studied in the Human Resources field, there is nothing wrong in asking a co-worker out on a date. However, if the advance has been declined then that should be that.

Harassment has to generally be unwanted and persistent. An initial determination of interest (asking for a clear date) is fine as long as it is understood if the answer is negative then it should not be pursued further.

I have basically been doing my own thing in many ways. At least I’ve insisted on my own friends and social life in recent years. Getting out of my marriage will require me to be strong and to go through hell. It will be worth it to come out the other side. I am also going to have to be assertive and determined with her. I think improving my finances through side hustle(s) will be key. That is something even my wife approves of, but I will need to keep some money aside for myself. My life has been on hold for far too long.

A mutual friend posted some gorgeous pictures of my LO today. She looked absolutely radiant and so happy. I would love to have her in my life in a much bigger way. One thing’s for sure though; it likely won’t happen while I’m still living under the same roof as my wife. I also need to slim down and get serious about the gym again before I will really be looking my best and have the confidence to believe I’m worthy of a woman of her calibre. I am not stupid; I know I’m unlikely to ever end up with LO #3, but the way things are right now I will never know that for sure. If it isn’t her, there are so many great women out there. I’m sure I could meet someone who is a good fit for me.

Vicarious,
MJ’s advice: “Of course I’m not condoning cheating while married, but yeah in your case I think you shouldn’t put too much weight on that. ”

I kind of agree. You’ve been telling her you want out for a very long time. Years ? If she won’t be cooperative in moving things forward with a divorce so you can settle up financially, I think you should go and do what you want. I don’t mean bringing another woman to the house, but if you want to go out with friends or … whatever … (as long as your daughter doesn’t need anything that night), I think you should do it.

I don’t mean to play power games, but you have more than you realize. You’re the one making most of the money.

VL,

I believe Marcia has decent advice there. I was also going to suggest finding a good Attorney who should be helpful in navigating some of this stuff. You definitely have your hands full it sounds like.

I suppose since my divorce was basically effortless on my part and my Ex did all the work, (mainly behind the scenes) I don’t take into account the drama that creeps in others’ situations. You have my sympathy over all that. That has to suck..

I mean about the only thing I didn’t cooperate with in my divorce was signing paperwork, but she got what she wanted anyway without it. So to hell with everything. I quit caring after that.

Of course I’m not condoning cheating while married, but yeah in your case I think you shouldn’t put too much weight on that. I know you want to do right and find a quality partner but man, take care of you too. 7 to 8 years of that and I probably would have considered jumping off a cliff by now. Again my hats off to you for sticking it out with her and of course for your Daughter. But this Wife of yours does so not seem worth sticking it out for. I wish you luck Friend..

Vicarious,
It doesn’t sound like you can move farther from town if your daughter is a commuter and drives to school ? Any chance she can get into the dorm or transfer to a school with dorms ?
I’d go see a lawyer and see what your options are. It shouldn’t take more than a basic consultation.
So either you figure a way out or your bide your time until your daughter is done with school. Is that what ? 3 or 4 years ? If you choose that route, I’d make clear to her she needs to get a job once she graduates and be fully self-supporting.
Honestly, I wouldn’t count on your wife accepting things. You haven’t made her sound like the most reasonable person. 🙂 But here’s another suggestion … you stay indefinitely but do your own thing. I have a family member who did that. The last kid went off to college and she and her husband agreed not to divorce but they did their own thing unless it involved a family outing/get together. What I mean is the two of them weren’t having dinner in the evening and doing things together as a couple. I don’t know if they alerted each other about what they were doing/when they were coming home. I know your next question will be whether or not they saw other people outside the marriage. Idk. I didn’t feel comfortable asking.

@Marcia, my daughter is in college, but she is a commuter student. She lives at home while she studies locally, so she isn’t in a dorm or anything like that. Any solution would likely have to involve her because things are worse between my wife and her than they are between my wife and me. I could live a little further out, but I do have to come into the office in the city at least some of the time. The best solution for all concerned is if my wife eventually accepts the separation, but if she doesn’t, I will have to put a lot more pressure on her. We have a family vacation coming up, but I’m thinking after that I should get the ball rolling on trying for a separation. I should also try to get my finances in order.

I have also confided in a mutual female friend about my LO. I have told her how much I would love to see her more often, but that I don’t want anything truly inappropriate while I am still married. This friend will try to get her to come out with us and put in a good word for me. I’m not too worried that it gets back to my LO because she has to know how I feel about her by now. I know she shouldn’t be my focus right now, but I am limerent for the woman and it’s hard to stop thinking about her. Focusing just on ending my marriage is easier said than done, but I have put guardrails in place to ensure I don’t go too far with this lady. She has morals and I respect that too.

Vicarious,
Isn’t your daughter in college?
If you work virtually, does it matter where you live? Can you move an hour or two away to a smaller town that has a lower cost of living? (I mean, temporarily until this is all settled.) I’m just throwing out options. Can you stay with a relative for a while?
If you really want out, you’ll do what you have to do to get out.
Also another brutal truth: Nobody acquires more sex appeal as they age. Time is ticking away. I’m your age so I really feel it.

@Marcia, I did mention in my above post that I simply cannot even afford to rent a room, and I’m afraid of leaving my daughter with my wife. However, I understand your point. I need to get out. Things are never going to change, and I’m just going to continue to torture myself with these crushes and limerence — meeting nice women I’m attracted to but constantly being forced to look rather than touch. Hell, my wife doesn’t even want me to go to the gym because she wants me to be doing household chores and projects that never get completed, and I suspect she doesn’t want me to look good for other women. I think about her and clench my fists and grit my teeth with utter hatred and contempt (I’m doing it right now). I don’t really hate her, but sometimes I feel like I do. I’ve been talking about a couple of side hustles the last few years, and I think it’s time to pursue one or more of them so I can get the money to get out of her clutches.

I generally come on here to talk about my limerence, but for some reason people usually focus on my marriage. Still, I know that the limerence is only a symptom rather than the disease itself. If I was in a happy, healthy, stable marriage with romance and intimacy, I doubt I’d be limerent. I wouldn’t be constantly focusing on how life might be better if I was with someone else. I miss my LO right now so badly it hurts. I wish I could see her, but she doesn’t seem to care about me. I have to get that through my head, but I also have to realize there’s a whole world out there. Right now, I am limited to thinking about the single women I know, but there are so many other age-appropriate quality single ladies in my area. I just have to get out of my marriage, let the dust settle a bit, get my own place and get to know them. Only then will my LOs be out of my head — or who knows? Maybe I might have a chance with LO #3. I doubt it, but she has already made it clear in a way that she is holding back on me simply because I’m married.

Vicarious,
I’m going to be frank with you: You’ve been on here posting the same message for … 2 or 3 years now ? Rip off the band-aid. Pack up as much stuff as you think you need/can fit in your car and go rent a room somewhere in an apartment or a house. Rent a room. Not share an apartment. You’re not splitting half the bills, just paying a set fee per month. Wifi should be included in the price so you can still work from home. And force a sale of the house/petition for divorce asap. I’m assuming you’ll have to contribute to the mortgage/bills until it all goes through, but what your wife does is entirely out of your control. If she goes ballistic, she goes ballistic. Be prepared to get very little out of the divorce financially. Be prepared for all of this to be very difficult. I’m not making light of this in any way. I’m just saying: Be prepared for the worst.
You should not offer her part of the inheritance. You’ll need that to rebuild your life.
(Obviously you need to consult an attorney on all of this. Ask him/her. What happens if you don’t pay the mortgage? Would it kill your credit? Would you have to declare bankruptcy? )
And you don’t need a long, drawn-out process to tell her you’re leaving. You’ve been telling her you want a divorce for what … years?
At this point, it’s: How badly do you want out?

“I am certain that our respective ex-LO’s sensed the effects they had on us (from our body language, which would have involuntarily betrayed us), and enjoyed the feelings of validation, perhaps even toying a little to see how far they could push boundaries.”

Definitely this! Thank you, ghostzoned. Glad I’m not the only one who tries to evade their snares! Our LOs were probably sensors, very skilled at picking up on our vibes. At times, it seemed like he was watching me like a hawk, almost studying me. Other times, he could read my thoughts.
There is no doubt he enjoyed pushing those boundaries, but as he’s married with kids, I knew this was just some form of entertainment for him, a muse.
He had a very powerful effect on me. If I happened to see him grabbing a coffee at the vending machine, I would quickly turn back round and avoid having to interact with him 🤣.