Limtastic,

Welcome along.

I’m one of those that Imho might be referring to when she says others would have things to say on your predicament.

I have been through a lot of what you have with my LE, so I come at all this from a place of empathy.

Limerents and (some – the ‘witting’) LOs will all have boundaries for what their (limerent clouded) brains deem ‘acceptable’. These boundaries will differ a lot person to person. But what people in limerence have in common is that they’ll push right the way up to these boundaries, but normally not over them.

It sounds from the information you’ve given (eg about kissing your LO) like she also pushed boundaries and is a complicit part of your LE. It doesn’t sound like you dragged her kicking and screaming into it!

However … where most (limerents and) LOs draw the line is at “home-wrecking”. I think when the prospect of them becoming a home wrecker is on the cards, that’s when they’ll pull back and may start to ‘rewrite’ previous events, including their behaviours. I feel like there is a bit of this in play in your scenario too.

I would not have too much hope you can get your LE back to where it was. And if you aren’t prepared to go “all in”, then why would you want to?

I’d agree with Imho that you don’t want to disclose limerence. I understand how tempting it is. People on this blog (who know who they are) talked me off the ledge when I was 24 hours off the disclosure. The thing is – think what good outcome could there be? What do you hope to achieve? (other than the side of no longer holding it secret). What would it feel like to be on the other end of that?

I didn’t disclose. I concluded it would be selfish to. I’m a year on now, and I’m glad beyond words that I didn’t. I’m not fully recovered but I am much better. I read a couple of stories on here of limerents who did disclose and their LEs became far worse, and their lives more complicated, after disclosure. Like Imho says, it is very unpredicable. And if you still have to work with her afterwards, that’s layers and layers of God knows what on top.

Not all of this might ring true now, but please think on it and talk to us in this community more if it could help you. I get how hard this phase you’re in now is.

BUT 6 month down the line i found a friend “plutonic” only and i helped them through a tough phase and then one day the dynacmic changed and i realised our friend ship was coming to an end or the way i wanted it to be, come to an end, BAM a rush of emotions just like when i realised my dopamine fix was over the first time. But as far as i know we were just friends in this realtionship no limerance stuff going on. in the last 2 years 3 such events have happened since Limerance. My whole body tingles from head to toe and huge sinking feeling and rush of emotion, including tears and irrational thoughts.

Could this be a trauma caused by limerence?

By the way Limtastic, do keep sharing if you wish.
There are others here that can give some really good advice. We are all trying to figure it out.
Hope your therapy session goes well tomorrow.

Hi Limtastic,
You just found out the concept of limerence to explain your feelings, I know it.
Maybe just do nothing for a bit, learn about it more and think of your strategy to get out of it yourself.
What I am saying is I don’t think there is any urgency to act on disclosing to anyone other than on here or to your therapist.

Limerence is an altered state of mind, but it doesn’t mean you can relinquish responsibility as it’s not recognised medically (as Limerent Emeritus soberingly advised ).

Do keep researching the blogs that are relevant and DrLs YouTube channel.
This blog may help on your future contact strategy to stage it back :-
https://livingwithlimerence.com/coffeehouse-beating-limerence-when-no-contact-is-impossible/

I nearly told my LO ( work related) that I was stopping all contact with him and the reasons why. But I didn’t, because I came to learn it’s not the best action for me or him. Mainly due to others here helping me.

Also you said “maybe there is something in our futures.”
Maybe there is ( maybe there isn’t)
Telling her about limerence will not help that. But first you have to address issues in your LTR if you are committed ( independent of LO) before considering a future with someone else, no ?
Another link below , and the blog archive has lots more
https://livingwithlimerence.com/questions-to-ask-if-you-are-married-but-limerent-for-someone-else/

Well… She could go to HR, file a complaint, and you could be looking for a new job.

Since you two have already kissed, don’t make things worse by looking like some kind of weird stalker. Limerence isn’t acknowledged in the mental health community so finding any kind of therapist to back you up if things go south will be very hard.

You are in a minefield.

Thanks IMHO, don’t mind responses at all. Advice and opinions are just that, no problem.

You point re what I’d hope she’d do if I disclosed and that it’s on me, not her. True but where I’m at is that if she knew the affect that she’s having on me and for the reasons, she might not continue to message me as friends and keep it strictly business via work channels. There would be understanding as to why I was no longer replying to her messages. I don’t want her to think I’m ghosting her or simply being rude.

And because I’m new to this notion, there is a thread of hoping she truly didn’t realise her impact and maybe she does want to reset and maybe there is something in our futures. I know this is still delusional but I’m at the early stages here, so still hapless.

I have a messenger message in my inbox that I’m using all my will power not to read…

Hi Limtastic,
I know its shocking.
Not sure if you are want a reply but on the urge to share about this new found revelation of limerence with your LO, I would say that it’s on you to work through what you are experiencing and not on her.
As you said yourself, you tell her and then what is she supposed to do with that information? She may not want to have that burden and may react different than you expect, which may limit or threaten your working relationship with her now and in the future.
I hope sharing your feelings with your
therapist will help give clarity, and may help reflect on your LTR.
suggest to also keep reading here and the other resources available. It’s tough but a good community here.

Where do I start, the beginning. I met my LO when she arrived to lead a project at work. In my head, that first handshake was the spark, something happened, no idea what, but the next day we booked a video call as she’d flown back home. She was confident, very chatty, flirty, told me she was a single mum (I thought that a bit odd at the time) but basically charming. I’m the client effectively and knew from that point I wanted to explore possibilities.

My situation, partner, kids, dogs, happy? Definitely not, just putting up and kicking on.

Having read endlessly re limerence, I have all the traits but too early to dissect all prior likely episodes, but a serial limerent, some led to relationships, some didn’t.

Anyway, back to LO. Over time it reached fever pitch for me, I just had to ask her if it was just me? She avoided the subject (classic). Worth noting, we would have dinner, share our respective situations, text and messenger one another, blah blah. I wanted more, she wouldn’t engage, I think she was of the view that I was in a relationship and thus not something she would entertain, which I totally get. But we did get closer, she shared that she’d been in an abusive relationship and was at a place where she would not consider any form of romantic partner. Not what I wanted to hear.

We did kiss, I was beside myself. Lots of messages that shared mutual longing, care, desire and all that. But it quickly cooled off, much to my disappointment.

It is fair to say I thought I was going insane, I show many of the emotions that are described in this blog and what others have shared. Hurrah, I’ve just read about what I’ve ‘got’, or rather what I am. Hmmm huroo, now what?

It’s early days of realising I’m having a limerent episode, I have a psychotherapist that I’ve seen once, interestingly I saw them last week, came across the term limerence, and have my next appointment on Friday. It should be quite the session.

But to the title of this blog episode, what’s my biggest limerent challenge/problem? I’ve made her aware of my feelings and that I am struggling to deal with them. We work together, I can’t go no contact completely. I adore her company but know it’s making me worse. I know that I’m hanging great hope on every interaction that we’ll go back to where we were. Unlikely though.

So my problem, well one of them among many: I feel compelled to tell my LO about all that I’ve discovered and the effect she has on me. I am limerent and she is my LO. I’d hope she’d read up on it and then… well I don’t actually know what I think will then happen.

There is tons of other detail, sorry sor not including it all.

I don’t feel she is manipulative or suspect she is how some describe other LO more unsavoury traits, but who actually knows?

I am absolutely shaken to the core as to how this is affecting me, very disturbing.

Uhh…I hate to say this, but, you probably are exactly as delusional as other limerents appear to be.

And I say this, as a Limerent.

Most of us don’t idealize our LO’s. We think they’re perfectly imperfect. And in that way, we see all their flaws, but, we also love all their flaws.

As far as I’ve ever seen, if you’re limerent, you’re limerent. There’s’ no degree. It’s just…you’re in it.

…my xLO was the same. In fact, if yours is via the gym, I wonder if it’s the same person. Haha. Mine was that charming…and gave mixes signals as if he’d been born to do it. I am sorry for all you’re going through. I’ve been there.

X csc