LO3: brief, weird colleague thing after my dad died
– Decision to go No (Low) Contact – a week
– Early wins, Laborious phase – a week
– Maintenance phase – a few weeks
– Freedom (no longer particularly want contact) – never had a relapse. I randomly had to speak to her a few weeks ago for somethign about work/industry, although no contact for years. Was fine, nice, like an old friend who i dont have too much in common with anymore.

LO2 recent relapse after 20ish years and 10 years of not noticing it:
– Decision to go No (Low) Contact on/off with early wins – maybe a month at most
– Laborious phase – lots of wobbles for 3 month
– Maintenance phase – 2 months
– Freedom phase – started maybe a month ago or so, tied to a purposeful decision to delete all my social media as I realized how poisonous it was becoming for me looking at others peoples lives rather than the real value I was getting in mine from time spent on it. I actually wrote a message to her apologizing for being a bit weird last year, as i felt like i was really secure and free and abl le to write without being particualrly bothered if she replied mroe than generally wnating to ehar from friends who you write to, and I suppose myself being over the associated mid life crisis.

Lo1 was just a massive put myself in the friendzone fail so forget that.

Now just to avoid ever having to deal with this cycle again….

Dear Sammy:

You do have a marvelous way with words. Please keep talking.

To MJ:

I do find it odd that people don’t have ANY frame of reference in their own lives. Maybe they haven’t experienced limerence, but surely they have some way of identifying? My friend, who is very kindly and supportive in most situations, kept saying, “Just forget about him!”

If it were that easy, don’t you think I would have already done that?

We are all neighbors who live in the same general area. She doesn’t know LO, but she has seen him and thinks he’s gross. She thinks his big, fancy house is “an eyesore.” Maybe she is affected by the fact that she is protective of me and doesn’t want me to be hurt anymore.

@Norma Desmond.

I realise that what I said to you above might come across as a little abrasive. So I’m including a link to an article by Lucy Bain that may explain things a lot more skilfully:

https://discover.hubpages.com/relationships/friendshiporinfatuation

The title of the article is “Five Reasons to Never Befriend Someone You Love: The Golden Rule of Infatuation”.

If you don’t feel well enough to read the article, I’ll just list Lucy’s five main points out here for you. Also, other people may find the five points interesting, and wish to discuss them elsewhere:

(1) You’ll Act Like You’re Dating Them
(2) You’ll Often Feel Embarrassed, Depressed and Angry
(3) Your Real, Platonic Friends Will Seem Boring to You
(4) The ‘Friendship’ Will Always Be Unbalanced, and You’ll Want More
(5) The Obvious: You’ll Never Be a True Friend to Your Crush

@MJ.

“Until one has walked this path and felt the weight, they will never get it…”

I think a good way to describe limerence is “drowning in one’s own intrusive thoughts”. 😉

@Norma Desmond.

“I am limerent for my hot gay neighbor, and he obviously does not reciprocate. I disclosed to him and he said he was fine with it and we could continue being friends.”

So you’re obsessively infatuated with a man who isn’t obsessively infatuated with you? You disclosed feelings. He said he doesn’t feel the same way. You’re still perversely and inappropriately choosing to stick around as his “friend”. The million-dollar question is “why”?

Your behaviour isn’t okay. Your behaviour is socially inappropriate at best. You’re actually the one in the wrong, period. It’s time to grow up, my sweet, and stop pretending you don’t have the emotional intelligence to grasp what you’re doing is out of line. No means no. Consent matters. It doesn’t matter the man said it was okay for you to hang around as his “friend”. Your limerent brain is trying to have a (now non-consensual) love affair with this man.

You are not this man’s friend. You will never be a genuine friend to this man while you harbour limerent feelings for him. Your obsessive infatuation with this man renders you 100% ineligible and unqualified for the job position of “friend”.

You get the sensation of being madly in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you, and has been 100% honest and upfront with you about his lack of interest. You can’t accuse him of lying to you or of leading you on. He’s actually a “good LO”.

If you’re limerent for this man, you’ll always be giving off this intense energy when you’re around him. Lucy Bain says human beings DETEST intensity when intensity isn’t reciprocated. Your gay neighbour snaps at you because he very likely finds your intense, clingy, oddly possessive behaviour both boring and irritating – as would literally any other man on the planet, gay or straight, who finds himself in the position of not requiting your limerent passion.

“Quit trying to figure out why he is the way he is and move on.”

I hate to say it, but Limerent Emeritus is 100% right in his statement. Since your LO has been 100% honest with you about not requiting your feelings, the onus is on you to either (a) get over your limerent passion and then reconnect with this man as a real friend and not a fake friend or (b) cease all contact with this man altogether.

On an unconscious level, you’re clearly not okay with this man “just being friends with you” while you’re obsessively infatuated with him. If you were cool with the whole situation, you wouldn’t waste time on the Internet complaining about him to complete strangers.

Take some life advice from singer Bonnie Raitt: you “can’t make someone love you if they don’t”. This man isn’t able to give you what you need. Your ongoing presence in his life, even with his explicit consent, could be considered a form of manipulation and/or harassment. His angry outbursts are a legitimate response to harassment. You are indeed being incredibly selfish by clinging to this friendship when you’re incapable of being a friend.

I repeat – you are NOT this man’s authentic friend. You CAN’T be this man’s authentic friend while you’re still obsessed with him. You don’t care about him in the way a friend cares about another friend. You have an ulterior motive for staying in the relationship and the man can always sense that. Your continual self-deception (your inability to see your own selfishness) is clearly getting on his nerves.

“If all I got from the outside world was “do you know how crazy that sounds?”, it would be very depressing, indeed.”

@ND,

I told a few people about my LE. One said he understood because he suffers from anxiety and panic attacks. Another friend didn’t get it and basically said the same thing, about how crazy it sounds. I did my best to explain but to no avail. After awhile I gave up. His solutions were too cut and dry. Like basically he thought it would be easy to shut down. Like shutting off a light switch.
It doesn’t work that way does it??

Until one has walked this path and felt the weight, they will never get it..

To Snow:

I am not an expert. I think SOME autistic people have good communication skills, but many do not. Some are high-functioning, some are non-verbal and need 24/7 care. And everything in between. I suspect that Elon Musk may be high-functioning autistic.

I have a friend who has an autistic son who cannot speak and cannot be left alone for even a few minutes.

To LE:

I have, yes. Thank you.

ND,

Have you read https://livingwithlimerence.com/the-two-tribes/