Lady Marcia,

After survived in 16 hour race under 100 F scotching sun, I am feeling better especially after taking dips in MJ’s 🆒 💦 💦 (his tear-falls).

“I don’t think you’re dull. “

Oh, I’m so validated, Sis! 👯‍♀️ A part of my brain was burned in heated delirium, forgetting what I’ve been rambling about on LwL’s stage with you… 😵‍💫


“I’ll tell you want I can. “

I’m taking your words as my daily cultural vitamins.


“Idk. I’ve tried to have deeper conversations with some people. Namely family. They seem perfectly content to keep things on the surface.”

Yes. I think a family’s focus is on specific actions toned towards kids’ needs and benefits, especially. Parents have to or are glad to put aside/sacrifice their own interests and hobbies.

[“I really feel mentally lighter and spiritually liberated, the first time in my life. Not just the biggest LE is gone, but that lifetime mysterious Longing has left me, too…”

“That is fantastic.” ]

I did not know, nor could except I can feel this way. From my past experiences, if without removing that longing — the root of all LEs, a new limerence could come again or just replace an old one, which happened to me.

”He’s not my protege! “

He’s NOT❓😳 Hmmm… perhaps he’s hiding in your ladyship’s lush garden licking the old wounds, regenerating new skin, and hitching new eggs🪺 🤔

“But he is INSIDE our control. If both of us take him on. 🙂”

Sister‼️ 😳 Who could be INSIDE our control?⁉️ “take him on” what ❓❓ — bring him back to waltz in LwL Ball ❓or sit him up steadily on LwL Wall❓ (oh, the poor LaR❗️), or make him chime logically with Alice in LwL Hall ❓

I have only 5% narcissistic ambition left, do you have 95% confidence to launch such an astronomical task? If you do, I’ll swear my allegiance to your lead ‼️🎠 ☺️

“Ok. I was just thinking that most of our lives are lived on the outside. Our inner life is a very small part of our lives. “

In this culture, it seems to be so. In me, I’ve spent a great deal of time in reflection, which is deeply gratifying.

“I’m not sure what you’re referring to. The GF who helped her guy friend who was suicidal? Did she not support him?”

I mean we want/appreciate like-minded supports, not just any kind. The GF and another self-centered gf would have two sets of feelings after supporting/saving the TV guy. If the latter feels crushed, and the GF tells her she should feel “honored/validated, it’s not going to be supportive, right? I won’t support any close friend if s/he considers to rub a bank or lift jewelry shops.

“I don’t mind acts of service but they’re not what make me feel supported. “

I do feel supported by acts of service, since there are more human feelings/connections are manifested in those acts. “Buying” such acts feels isolated and disconnected. Sympathetic words are helpful only to certain points. I was trained mentally strong most of time, so the majority of my friends could not help with my mind, even if they put all their efforts and skills.

My errors were that I didn’t know that my mind could possibly be some help to my friends, I assumed that everyone else’s mind was/is as strong as mine. Getting support from an empathic mind is a different matter; a truly empathetic mind is like gold or diamond to find/encounter.

[“Non-judgmental listening and being supportive is great, but seems to become luxurious nowadays”
Exactly. Which is why it’s so wonderful in the rare times it happens. ]

Then imagine if this ear is your LO⁉️

” I know my parents’ colleagues, and they know me, telling me my poopy-pants time… ”

I mean my parents’ colleagues often told me what I did as a kid. I was a “celebrity” for having successfully escaped weekcare and run home three times (between 4-6) and disobeyed other rules.

“Yes, I agree. I just didn’t see my LOs as friends. I always had romantic interest in them. “

Having romantic interestes without friendship was/is unthinkable to me personally. I can’t promote friends to LO file, but I need LO to be in both files. I want and need two hands/arms coordinating harmoniously❗️So assessing LO‘s quality/personality is taken for granted…. Getting even godlike sex without deep connection was/is boring… I speak for myself.

[“I mean when I TRULY gave up any hope on something, then a hand out of nowhere almost always came to fetch me out of Dante’s “inferno”.”
So this hand rescued you from feeling bad?]

I mean this hand delivered whatever I had truly given up to obtain: another like-minded friend, another LO, another fantastic lover… In the case of my German and another Peruvian/Italian girlfriends, a baby/two twins were delivered, after their several miscarriages, respectively. The removal of their total efforts thus stresses actually brought them what they so desired! 👍

“Possibly. I think to just show up in someone’s life out of the blue after decades to make myself feel better would be selfish. “

Totally agree with you here. To do anything for others in order to make oneself feel better inside is selfish, even it’s charitable work.

[“Maybe our internal ““repentance” is more important?”
I guess. ]

It’s soul enchanting work for one’s true growth.

“I would welcome them, if they contacted me. But if I contacted them … we’d what? … message back and forth for a bit and then we’d fall off the planet with each other again. Probably would happen if I contacted them, too. Best to leave well enough alone. “

Again, totally agree with you on this. As you said before, we should give what others truly need or want (emotionally & mentally), not force our assumption of their needs into their hands.

“No, but that doesn’t mean you have to give up your life for her. You can put limits on what you will and will not do. “

Trust me, I’m not changing my entire life for Mom; and I’ve changed some of her narc mental habits. If she behaved with the sense of entitlement, I simply ignored her requests. But I cannot ignore her physical/medical needs, which would be Inhuman.

“Ok. I won’t bring it up again. But if you need to talk about it, I’m here. “

Thank you for your caring offer in advance, Sis 🫂 , I might want it down the road… 😚

“Well, yes, that’s the problem. Because every time I get near an LO, it’s a trainwreck. “

It sounds like something inside you is really out of your control, like a wild horse ready to be unleashed by an LO. I think this wild 🐎 needs to be trained while you’re alone, before hit by another LO. Perhaps your therapist and you together could find a way to tame this inner 🐴 , so she could serve your needs and wants.

[“Since birth, we were trained how to spot morons and recognize “supermen” in relations”
Are we? Who trains us?]

Parents, friends, community, schools, books, films, songs….

“Hmmm … probably my last LE. (Not LE-lite.) Something someone said to me. (Not my LO.) I hadn’t thought of myself like that, but this person’s comment made sense. “

I think you should dig it deeper with your therapist. It will help you encounter next LO or bfs or your dates.

“You may be one of the few people on here who had a beneficial LE.”

Primarily with my own effort/determination to find ways not to suffer so much — I had biggest panic attack and several small ones during the LE, which probably also worsened my physical health, or changed thyroiditis into thyroid lymphoma. The amount of my LE stress/pain is NOT negligible. LE could be beneficial as a tough “teacher”… LO is just a “tool” /catalyst.

“Nah. The posts are just so long, you can’t remember everything we wrote because we’re both so chatty. “

To meet you in LwL has made me to a “chatty Snow”❄️ 🥰

[“It’s truly been Lady Marcia and Miss Snow “in Search of Lost Minds and Lost Time in Limerence”!
Yes]

I’ve found some of lost mind and time in my LEs, have you❓

Serial,
“Okay, I’ll check those out. Seems like everything I want to watch is marked as “about to leave Prime Video,” however. I hope they just mean they won’t be free but I can still rent them. 😛”
Let me know if you have any movies/series to recommend.

Snow,
“I’m NOT dull only on paper, in rambling theories of all sorts, as a way of exploring and learning about the world.”
I don’t think you’re dull.

“You’re my primary resource nowadays to learn about the society, the updated one in the US, which I just cannot appreciate enough 🙏.”
I’ll tell you want I can. 🙂

“😳 You don’t think they feel lonely or isolated or even a bit of numb deep inside? It is sad for me to observe…”
Idk. I’ve tried to have deeper conversations with some people. Namely family. They seem perfectly content to keep things on the surface.

“It turned out that he had more 💦 💦 than your Lim buddy MJ -💦 🪣 💦 here… 😃”
I don’t know what these symbols mean. 🙂

“I really feel mentally lighter and spiritually liberated, the first time in my life‼️ Not just the biggest LE is gone, but that lifetime mysterious Longing has left me, too…”
That is fantastic. 🙂

“If I think who you’re referring to is I/we-know-who, then how can I “slap” your ladyship’s protégé? 😆”
He’s not my protege! 🙂

“Plus, I’ve already graduated from my Stoic apprenticeship (scored 95%), thus automatically NON-react to anything/anyone that is outside of my control… and be Buddhistic about it (trained in COO)… 😊”
But he is INSIDE our control. If both of us take him on. 🙂

“We’re talking about two notions here; but I don’t want to discuss this philosophical concept further; just that everything we say or do (not biological reflexes) on the outside has to be registered and disgested in our mind first, through language and culture, and then to be perceived/accepted either as positive, negative, or neutral experience.”
Ok. I was just thinking that most of our lives are lived on the outside. Our inner life is a very small part of our lives.

“I agree with you that a support system around us is beneficial. But if towards a same experience, e.g. my Japanese gf saving her fried — an elephant, we have 5 perceptions and understandings, how could we support each other? She felt honored, but I felt crushed; how could we support each other in mind and spirit?”
I’m not sure what you’re referring to. The GF who helped her guy friend who was suicidal? Did she not support him?

“That’s what COO people usually selflessly give each other between good friends.”
I don’t mind acts of service but they’re not what make me feel supported.

“Non-judgmental listening and being supportive is great, but seems to become luxurious nowadays”
Exactly. Which is why it’s so wonderful in the rare times it happens.

” I know my parents’ colleagues, and they know me, telling me my poopy-pants time… 🙄”
?

“Then, I wanted to befriend him, so was willing to show more of my vulnerabilities — the only way to make true friends ”
Yes, I agree. I just didn’t see my LOs as friends. I always had romantic interest in them.

“I assume you are talking about emotional/mental needs here, and I agree with you. ”
Yes

“I mean when I TRULY gave up any hope on something, then a hand out of nowhere almost always came to fetch me out of Dante’s “inferno”.”
So this hand rescued you from feeling bad?

“I guess it depends on whether we think an external “reconciliation” is necessary in better both sides (perhaps they already forgot and forgiven the past matters and moved on? ). ”
Possibly. I think to just show up in someone’s life out of the blue after decades to make myself feel better would be selfish.

“Maybe our internal ““repentance” is more important?”
I guess.

“I would welcome their contact, so I could discuss and apologize for what wrong they think or I think I did. Living in misunderstandings does not help improve our social skills.”
I would welcome them, if they contacted me. But if I contacted them … we’d what? … message back and forth for a bit and then we’d fall off the planet with each other again. Probably would happen if I contacted them, too. Best to leave well enough alone.

“I can’t change the history in which Mom did not pay her parental duty properly and even “harmed” me. 🤨”
No, but that doesn’t mean you have to give up your life for her. You can put limits on what you will and will not do.

“No need yet…. What talking could do to our unwanted biological changes 🧐 …. Not naming it at least could help in denial, based on Mom’s logic 😀. I’ll leave it to Fate lady’s hand for now…”
Ok. I won’t bring it up again. But if you need to talk about it, I’m here.

“To be honest, I never tried to “get in anyone’s head”, we COO people are very fatalistic — either you naturally take me in your head or leave me alone, vice versa, in friendship or relationship. We don’t believe efforts in this arena of life.”
Well, yes, that’s true.

“True. But you already have that “gunpowder” inside you, it only needs to be lit by a catalyst, LO.”
Well, yes, that’s the problem. Because every time I get near an LO, it’s a trainwreck.

“Since birth, we were trained how to spot morons and recognize “supermen” in relations”
Are we? Who trains us?

“When did you realize that it is a big portion of innate you — DNA ❓”
Hmmm … probably my last LE. (Not LE-lite.) Something someone said to me. (Not my LO.) I hadn’t thought of myself like that, but this person’s comment made sense.

“I don’t like that kind of heart-racing!”
I think I’ve sought it out.

“Because I “dumped” my “stuff” on his ears, so my old wounds /cptsd were “healed” in the end. I could not get the desired LE reciprocation, but got the next best thing in my life (totally unexpected) ‼️”
You may be one of the few people on here who had a beneficial LE.

“A tiny bit. It might be a part of my vanity or a sense of “mysterious”connection….”
I’ve lost the thread on this one. What are we talking about? 🙂

“You didn’t❓ I cannot even remember what we said in any previous day without rereading them! *cough……… cough* — I’m really getting dementia 😓”
Nah. The posts are just so long, you can’t remember everything we wrote because we’re both so chatty. 🙂

“It’s truly been Lady Marcia and Miss Snow “in Search of Lost Minds and Lost Time in Limerence”! 📚 👯‍♀️”
Yes!

Okay, I’ll check those out. Seems like everything I want to watch is marked as “about to leave Prime Video,” however. I hope they just mean they won’t be free but I can still rent them. 😛

Serial,
“It was sad to see how Wilde grew limerent for and couldn’t stay away from Bosie, while the ones who truly loved him were kept at a distance.”
Exactly. The one lover played by Michael Sheen really loved him. Was Jude Law not beautiful? He looked like a god. A petulant, bratty, beautiful god.

“I also noted that Constance got very little treatment except for being the ignored wife. Very little about her life’s work, her own intelligence, her personality—or her possible affair.”
Yeah, they didn’t give her much screen time but it was Lizzie from “Pride and Prejudice.” I was happy to see her.

“Considering she was ignored by Wilde after he discovered he was gay, I hope she did! She was only about 40 when she died, before Wilde did, and didn’t have time to move on from Wilde and find somebody else.)”
Me, too. Yes, she died young as did he. I think the children were orphaned, but I read they considered him a good dad.

“BUT I also discovered that a movie about Constance—not about Oscar’s life, but about HERS—is in production right now. I can’t wait. 🙂”
That should be interesting.
There are another two movies I’d recommend. “Dorian Gray” released in 2009. It’s not all that great. The guy paying Dorian is a bit bland … but Colin Firth plays Lord Wotten and he is so deliciously decadent.
And “The Governess.” The guy who played Bosie’s father is in it. Tom Wilkinson. He has this torrid affair with Minnie Driver, who plays his children’s governess. It’s a period piece. I thought it was very sexy.

So I watched “Wilde” last night. Very well done, and I recognized that scene in the sick room from De Profundis. It was sad to see how Wilde grew limerent for and couldn’t stay away from Bosie, while the ones who truly loved him were kept at a distance.

I also noted that Constance got very little treatment except for being the ignored wife. Very little about her life’s work, her own intelligence, her personality—or her possible affair.

(I googled last night and online sources insisted she didn’t have a PA with the guy. But I have a book about her that says they did have a PA. Considering she was ignored by Wilde after he discovered he was gay, I hope she did! She was only about 40 when she died, before Wilde did, and didn’t have time to move on from Wilde and find somebody else.)

BUT I also discovered that a movie about Constance—not about Oscar’s life, but about HERS—is in production right now. I can’t wait. 🙂

LaR,
“Hey, no fair. A week ago you wanted me in a line with Adam and MJ against your wall!”
Hey, it’s a war. The war of the sexes. Whoever said it was fair? 🙂

“Yeah, but I was talking about that ‘only person in the crowded room’ effect. No amount of willpower or intellectualising would change where that magnetic pull takes me.”
Is that what happened when you met your SO?

“True dat. Though all this is hypothetical. No way in reality that she’d actually be part of that.”
I agree. It’s not a good way to start something. You can never trust each other if you ever got together for good. But let’s be honest: It happens all the time.

“That’s how it nearly always starts out, while it all feels fun. But then it turns darker. Some people on here seem to working very hard later in/after their LE, to understand it and not repeat.”
It’s actually fairly easily to squelch it. For example, when LO-lite emailed me … I should have let it alone. I knew something was off. Why is this guy emailing my personal email at home? But I didn’t want to let it alone. I kept the emails going. Limerence is a selfish thing.

“I agree. ‘Hot’ comes later than basic compliments to test the water.”
Thus, I might compliment something about the man. In rare instances, I might say “cute.” I don’t like to drool on people right away. I’ll give you a little taste of how I’m feeling but I don’t want to give you the whole pie right away. How dull is that? 🙂

“You mean ‘date 2’ guy there, not Sketchball? Date 2 has gone quiet?”
I’m a little drama. Maybe you didn’t notice. 🙂 He has, but in the meantime I was convinced it was over and having a complete spiral. 🙂

“You’re one smart cookie, aren’t you? Go on, take the 🔨 to that one then if you must …. But I think you’re bang on here.”
“When I’m good, I’m good. When I’m bad, I’m better.” Mae West 🙂
If I were to guess … you’ve always played the role. The Good Son, the Good Friend, The Good Boyfriend, The Responsible Employee. And there’s a part of you that’s tired of the role, and these LOs tap into a part of you that goes beyond the role .

“Though she wouldn’t bother turning up for someone she could eat alive. She wants someone who will dish it out in return.”
Totally. You have to be able to at least stand your ground.

” I still don’t quite follow but I know when not to push.”
I’m not sure what you’re not getting. 🙂 A guy who is picking up on my cues (which isn’t easy because I can be hard to read) and pushing things just a little bit physically. To the point it’s just a little bit inappropriate. Just a little bit of raunch in there.

” And I get the need to be vague bit. ”
I didn’t give every detail, but didn’t I give enough? So at the end of the evening, when he kissed me again, he got just a little grabby in a slightly inappropriate place. It was brief. It was subtle (not groping but touching), but I dug it.

“Look, I am buying myself a hall pass to be vague again in the future without getting hammered for my grammar or verbosity.”
Just have it make frigging sense! 🙂

“If you just answer this, I think I’ll get your drift – is that excitement or angst speaking in that sentence?”
Excitement

“Yep, it is spectacular how many of us limerents spin in this hamster wheel, and for how long. So addictive despite no good outcome.”
At the end of the day, ask yourself, “What is really happening here? If this was a movie or a book, would you walk out to the theater or throw the book across the room? “

Marcia,

“Well, honey, I don’t get in line. 🙂”
Hey, no fair. A week ago you wanted me in a line with Adam and MJ against your wall!

“But is it? Because some people really seem to carefully consider the people they date, look at all their qualities …”
Yeah, but I was talking about that ‘only person in the crowded room’ effect. No amount of willpower or intellectualising would change where that magnetic pull takes me.

“But wouldn’t she be part of the straying?”
True dat. Though all this is hypothetical. No way in reality that she’d actually be part of that.

“But most limerents don’t do that. At least not the ones on here. Sorry, I’m being honest. They move right toward the limerence. Do things to encourage it”
That’s how it nearly always starts out, while it all feels fun. But then it turns darker. Some people on here seem to working very hard later in/after their LE, to understand it and not repeat.

“If he compliments me, I might give compliment him, but it will be fairly toned down. It’s too much right away … and I don’t want to be totally obvious. 🙂”
I agree. ‘Hot’ comes later than basic compliments to test the water.

“I think that’s over”
You mean ‘date 2’ guy there, not Sketchball? Date 2 has gone quiet?

[“I was busy trying to ‘adult’.”
Maybe that’s what your limerence is about. That you missed out because you were “adulting.”]
You’re one smart cookie, aren’t you? Go on, take the 🔨 to that one then if you must …. But I think you’re bang on here.

[“But she’d have eaten me alive 25 years ago.”
But you dig that, right? 🙂]
Oh of course😉 .
Though she wouldn’t bother turning up for someone she could eat alive. She wants someone who will dish it out in return.

[“So if you let your guard down and just go with it, it feels more exciting?”
No. Sorry. I’m not being clear. So I have to be a little vague here … ]
It’s OK. I still don’t quite follow but I know when not to push. And I get the need to be vague bit. Look, I am buying myself a hall pass to be vague again in the future without getting hammered for my grammar or verbosity.

“little bit of … ok, what’s this guy going to do next?”
If you just answer this, I think I’ll get your drift – is that excitement or angst speaking in that sentence?

“The last one (not LO-lite) was the most ridiculous. Because so little happened.”
Yep, it is spectacular how many of us limerents spin in this hamster wheel, and for how long. So addictive despite no good outcome.

Typo: “I think I have developed an intuition…”

Lady Marcia,


“My dear, you are many things, but dull isn’t one of them. “

Thank you for your compliment! 🥰

But seriously, I’m NOT dull only on paper, in rambling theories of all sorts, as a way of exploring and learning about the world. You’re my primary resource nowadays to learn about the society, the updated one in the US, which I just cannot appreciate enough 🙏.

“I disagree. They prefer the screens. They don’t want deeper connections. “

😳 You don’t think they feel lonely or isolated or even a bit of numb deep inside? It is sad for me to observe…

“Did he seem sad?”

Up one glance across the street, I sensed something “sad” deep inside his gentle and feminine eyes, and no serial murder or abuser hidden behind them. It turned out that he had more 💦 💦 than your Lim buddy MJ -💦 🪣 💦 here… 😃


“No, I don’t think you’re limerent anymore. You sound much different than you did a year ago.”

I really feel mentally lighter and spiritually liberated, the first time in my life‼️ Not just the biggest LE is gone, but that lifetime mysterious Longing has left me, too…

“Who is always being bad on here? I think you know who. “

If I think who you’re referring to is I/we-know-who, then how can I “slap” your ladyship’s protégé? 😆

Plus, I’ve already graduated from my Stoic apprenticeship (scored 95%), thus automatically NON-react to anything/anyone that is outside of my control… and be Buddhistic about it (trained in COO)… 😊

[“We really LIVE our life ONLY in our mind, no matter what we do outside the mind! ”
“No, most of our life is actually lived on the outside. We need a support system around us. Well, I feel we do. “]

We’re talking about two notions here; but I don’t want to discuss this philosophical concept further; just that everything we say or do (not biological reflexes) on the outside has to be registered and disgested in our mind first, through language and culture, and then to be perceived/accepted either as positive, negative, or neutral experience.

I agree with you that a support system around us is beneficial. But if towards a same experience, e.g. my Japanese gf saving her fried — an elephant, we have 5 perceptions and understandings, how could we support each other? She felt honored, but I felt crushed; how could we support each other in mind and spirit?

“I’m the same way. I will appreciate people doing things for me — acts of service, as I call them — but that’s not what I want or need. “

That’s what COO people usually selflessly give each other between good friends.

“I don’t need artistic or creative inspiration but someone really listening and being supportive. “

I do not NEED but LOVE artistic or creative inspirations, which would stimulate my creativity. I get bored with mandates or routines. Non-judgmental listening and being supportive is great, but seems to become luxurious nowadays — everyone is super busy, rushing to get things done… often unclear meanings/goals of their busying….

“I was told the Japanese colleagues always had the parental over to their homes. “

The same in COO. You wonder why I still keep in touch with Mom LO’s wife (besides I like her)⁉️ I know my parents’ colleagues, and they know me, telling me my poopy-pants time… 🙄

“I never wanted to open up to my LOs and have them see my vulnerabilities and flaws. I was trying to project a much different image to them. I was trying to seduce them. And we weren’t close enough for me to open up like that. “

I did not plan doing it at all with ET. His sudden “landing”, Dad’s death and Mom’s arrival all triggered my “stuff” to surface. I was unable to repress them down again. Then, by opening up with my “stuff”, we became closer, at least for me. Meanwhile, I was not trying to seduce the unavailable him, only was neurally “drugged” to seek interactions with him.

Then, I wanted to befriend him, so was willing to show more of my vulnerabilities — the only way to make true friends‼️ If someone can’t accept who you are inside out and show you who they really are insight out, forget about a true friendship with them ‼️

”No, I think most people have needs. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. A certain level of interdependence — inter, not co-dependence — is necessary for a deeper relationship. “

I assume you are talking about emotional/mental needs here, and I agree with you. However, to distinguish inter and co dependence is not an easy task; the former is tango; the latter is “clutch”. I was not modeled well when growing up, so I was either a bit too close or somewhat aloof in my previous relationships. I can learn and practice it only through social interactions, not just in theory.

“Yes, but it’s not common. Most people go with the generic, flashy comments.”

So… I don’t deal with “most people”… not mind being a lone wolf. 🐺

[”But my mind/soul had to FIRST give up that hopium (LaR’s term) completely. Your rational mind can’t cheat your own soul….”
I’m not sure what you mean. ]

I mean when I TRULY gave up any hope on something, then a hand out of nowhere almost always came to fetch me out of Dante’s “inferno”.

“You don’t have regrets? “

I do have retreats, and wish I could travel back in Time Machine to correct them.

“I have regrets, particularly about the way I’ve treated some people. Now, I don’t think the best course of action would be to contact them decades later out of the blue. Best to just let things alone. “

I guess it depends on whether we think an external “reconciliation” is necessary in better both sides (perhaps they already forgot and forgiven the past matters and moved on? ). Maybe our internal ““repentance” is more important?

“But I still have the regrets. And if they were ever to contact me, I would be willing to discuss what I’d done. “

I would welcome their contact, so I could discuss and apologize for what wrong they think or I think I did. Living in misunderstandings does not help improve our social skills.

“I don’t agree. I put up boundaries with what I would do for the parentals. I didn’t do nothing, but I didn’t rearrange my life. “

I have no choice but pay my duty, no matter how much my life has to be rearranged or restricted (can’t locate anywhere else until she exits). Only thing I could manage/control is my mentality — NOT feeling resentful. Feeling resentful is FUTILE; I can’t change the history in which Mom did not pay her parental duty properly and even “harmed” me. 🤨

“Are you allright? Do you need to talk about it?”

No need yet…. What talking could do to our unwanted biological changes 🧐 …. Not naming it at least could help in denial, based on Mom’s logic 😀. I’ll leave it to Fate lady’s hand for now…

“Are we talking about sex here?”
🆎!

“Well, you have to “get in their heads” so they give a s**t. Of course, you have zero control how someone else feels. “

To be honest, I never tried to “get in anyone’s head”, we COO people are very fatalistic — either you naturally take me in your head or leave me alone, vice versa, in friendship or relationship. We don’t believe efforts in this arena of life.

“Because I was “feeling” it. Because they lit me up. “

By experiences, I know what you mean…

“They provide the wild passion. Or elicit it in me. I can’t generate that feeling on my own, no.”

True. But you already have that “gunpowder” inside you, it only needs to be lit by a catalyst, LO.

“Is your definition of a Superman someone who is good for me? If so, I didn’t notice him because I was too busy chasing after the other morons. “

Since birth, we were trained how to spot morons and recognize “supermen” in relations (through their words with matching actions)… Then, I think I have developed an initiation (especially after that scary trauma…)

“Probably a little of both, but definitely a big portion of it is me. Innate. “

When did you realize that it is a big portion of innate you — DNA ❓

[“What is this “wild attraction and passion” supposed to feel like”
Like you’re jumping over a cliff. ]

I don’t like that kind of heart-racing! I have vertigo, and cannot stand even at edge of a cliff! And I dislike skiing but enjoy skating. The height and speed have never been a cup of tea for me!

“That sounds like it really helped you. Showing him your vulnerabilities. “

Because I “dumped” my “stuff” on his ears, so my old wounds /cptsd were “healed” in the end. I could not get the desired LE reciprocation, but got the next best thing in my life (totally unexpected) ‼️

“So you feel like you’re lost a part of yourself?”

A tiny bit. It might be a part of my vanity or a sense of “mysterious”connection….

“I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my previous message so thoroughly. I hope you don’t mind, but I didn’t respond to your entire message. “

No worries at all, Sister! 🫂
You didn’t❓ I cannot even remember what we said in any previous day without rereading them! *cough……… cough* — I’m really getting dementia 😓

“Our posts are getting a tad long.”

It’s truly been Lady Marcia and Miss Snow “in Search of Lost Minds and Lost Time in Limerence”! 📚 👯‍♀️