To me all of these LO’s sound like NARCISSISTS or NASTY people who just want SUPPLY and you’re providing it like a love sick puppy with it’s master.
Your views of them are flawed, and it’s obviously a cocktail of Limerent Neurochemistry that have you wearing extremely rose tinted glasses, that are blinding your feelings and emotions about this person or confusing them very much. Surely you deserve to be treated kindly? What is it about these people that treat you badly or speak rudely, ghost, or give breadcrumbs or nowt but hassle to you that still has you wanting them? Are you a ‘People Pleaser’ or an ‘Empath’ ..Reckon you can save or rescue them, cure them, turn them, lure them, change them, BE THEM, just make excuses for “oh they don’t mean it” , “oh, they’re having a bad time/ill/tired/etc” – Okay sometimes you need to allow people the benefit of the doubt.But how often does it happen, how many times is enough, treat them like they’re family,no matter what they do “they’re still family” even if TOXIC….but if you know you’ve got a “crush on steroids” aka Limerence for someone or even if you don’t know, but you’re obsessed – What are you getting back? Apart from angry comments, sharp retorts, being ignored, or the odd breadcrumb, fake compliments or little chat over the coffee at work/garden fence/shop/attention from wife’s friend/attention from husband’s friend/gay colleague/celebrity/SM ‘friend’ on the other side of the world you’ve never met!..Whover the LO is, I bet it isn’t much, I bet you’re getting nothing except the odd LOVEBOMB, just something that gives you some hope – it’s that uncertainty that fuels it does he/doesn’t he like me like I want him – does she/doesn’t she find me attractive, feel the spark etc etc…when IRL life you KNOW that this ‘relationship’ isn’t going anywhere, and you know they don’t know the extent of your desire for them or for reciprocation, or if you’ve got a SO or partner, or the LO has an SO..they’re the opposite sex to which you’re usually attracted, there are barriers and a lot of uncertainty FEEDING your person ADDICTION – I think everyone has to question their worth, but not rely on someone outside to validate you, especially someone who isn’t free necessarily to be in a relationship with you – but if self esteem is low, there’s history of abuse or you’re just at a low or going through stress – a shiny LO is going to be like a panacea for all your ailments, until they turn into that drug you wish you’d never ever tried – Build your self esteem, work on yourself, be kind to yourself, be the person you’d want to be with and communicate with your SO before you go too far, talk to a trusted friend or professional counsellor – know that you don’t deserve to be mistreated, and if you’re unlucky enough to meet a disordered or narcissistic LO be very prepared to have your lives and real relationships ruined and then you’ll be discarded by the LO when they’re done with you – leaving you totally alone. You’re worth proper relationships, either with friends, lovers or family who respect you and give something back in return for all you do for them – otherwise you’re not in a relationship – you’re just a supply – Warmest wishes to all x

Lent/official NC start date day1 – LO sees me talking to his colleague online, sends me a message about arranging a time to catch up. Not wanting to be rude and in keeping with my responsive nature I reply and then … nothing. No reply back from LO. Flakiness is common but I now feel sad…again! What a rubbish cycle. Part of me wants to ask him not to contact me again. Seems dramatic though. Push through this current sting and then just hopefully drift.

Mila,

I understand your concerns. I was/not trying to convince you to watch Dr L’s video clips, just to give my feedback after watching those LE topic videos presentations.

Also, I wish that one-sentence punch line flash slower; when I pause the video, YT’ “forward, rewind, and pause” buttons also block some key words in that punch line. So I still can’t read them in one shot before playing 2-3 times.

For me personally, with much gained LE awareness I find it difficult to even make glimmer last a bit longer. With Romeo, it last 1 month; with curio Joe, one week— last two times when I saw him in distance, he looked so ordinary, no more a walking painting of classical portrait.

Hi Sammy and Snow,

thanks, I‘m absolutely sure Dr Ls videos are on point, empathetic and intelligent.
I‘m at a point where I find myself free of limerence, but not yet very stable in this state, and I have some kind of superstitious aversion to occupy myself too much with the obsessive states of limerence, I know them too well and I do have a fear to get sucked back. So I’m not yet at a point where I could leisurely watch descriptions and explanations.
At some point I‘ll be able to watch and enjoy and learn, but at the moment I try to stay away from these topics a bit.

@Mila,

I’m an audio and video learner, with strong helpless “irrational” intuition, so coaching/advising with presence and voice has far more effects on me. If I don’t feel initial (also 2nd/3rd time) “click” with presenters — their sensitivity, passion, easiness, etc, forget about whatever they want to say with whatever words…

Now after falling to the lowest low of LE and rising up, I rewatch Dr L’s “Is limerence always bad”— https://youtu.be/LNKQvUKVPAA?si=6PFK_NHj7JQnliqm to power my wings 🪽. I’ve gone through both the heaven and hell, now am making efforts in staying a bit higher than the Earthly ground, and of course, lower than the heaven (hard to reach that level again once out of LE). With some of the Stoic mindset, it’s working well.

I prefer Dr L’s video clips much better (in general follow energetic, passionate, and sensible male presenters/voices in YT). His approach is scientifically informative (love those charts), psychologically insightful (some of us here and I have experienced), empathetic, and very encouraging for our recover and renewal.

Dr L: I feel the one-line punch (usually in black small print) between clips could last a bit longer, not only for ESL speakers like me (sometimes had to rewind several times to see what it is said), but for an emphasis — short phrases and one-line sentences stay much longer in viewers’ mind.

@Mila.

I understand your reluctance to watch Dr. L’s videos on limerence, lest they cause you to spiral emotionally. Limerence can sometimes leave one with “residual feelings of anxiety”, even if one feels that one is doing so much better overall. Perhaps at some point in the future when you feel genuinely secure in your recovery journey you might like to check out a few just for the experience? 🙂

I can confirm for the benefit of other readers that the material Dr. L covers in his videos is fairly general in nature, nothing too personal, nothing that hits too close to home, nothing likely to bring up painful emotions in the average listener. Comforting vibes but still solidly academic. Nerdy and fun at the same time…

For people who feel really vulnerable but want to watch a video and feel “babied”, I’d actually recommend the work of several female You-Tubers addressing limerence. Of course, Fenna Van Den Berg’s name (from Following Fenna) has already come up. I think Fenna has a very gentle approach. There’s also a woman named Doctor Becky Spelman. She only has a couple videos on limerence, as she mostly deals with other topics. But she has a very soothing voice and presence. I.e. if you watch Doctor Spelman’s short video “How to spot of the early signs of limerence”, you’re definitely not going to walk away feeling judged. 🙂

@norma

Well I have no *&-$%% idea! hahaha :))

Yes, your crush hasn’t gone away *yet*.

But, I can tell you, as a repeat-limerent, who has had overwhelming, soul-crushing LE’s come and go)…that it WILL go. No Contact is a huge step and it is essentially guaranteed to be effective. (Though of course it’s very, very hard…it can be done!) It feels like a shift in your feelings will never happen, but it will.

I think, honestly, that if you can get through a couple more weeks, you may begin to feel a shift. You may feel…like, yes, you miss the interaction. But, you might find the feeling of real need/desire has weakened considerably. And missing interaction can be managed much more easily than the need/desire you have right now.

Chemically, your dopamine will also return. Your brain is depleted right now, for sure. It will return. Your brain will begin recognizing it again. With that, you’ll feel a bit of focus, a bit of motivation…more regulated. These feelings aren’t huge, but, you’ll notice they are there.

You might find, if you are able to sustain NC or very thoughtful LC, that you are even glad the episode happened, because you will see aspects of yourself and your life that have always seemed “normal” to you, now seem like small miracles. Just feeling secure, or spending time without the howl of limerence can feel good.

To CSC:. You’re right of course. The problem is that the crush doesn’t go away, even though he is rude.

By the way, what are the rules for expletives?

@norma

I once heard it said that rudeness is the weak person’s imitation of strength.

I am just going to weigh in here and say that a normal reply to such a kind offer would be “thank you so much for thinking of me, but I have little appetite…I appreciate the offer though. :)”

I am going to hold my tongue here but I second what Mila said. (Only I would use more expletives.) You deserved at least a polite response, even if it was a no thank you.

He should not be surprised you are distancing yourself. Friend, crush or something else, his behavior would assure distance from anyone.

I don’t know why some posts have a place to reply and some don’t.

I have learned that my LO IS a very snappish and irritable person. This isn’t the first time this has happened. It’s just who he is. I don’t excuse his behavior. Every time he is unkind, my opinion of him gets lower.

The problem is that, no matter how poorly I think of him as a person, I still have an insane crush on him.